Live from Uniondale, New York
The announce team tonight as always; Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden, Scott Hudson
I watched Vince Russo’s KC shoot for the WCW 2000 Timeline, and literally his answer for EVERYTHING was that it was either not his fault, or that whatever happened was because it was entertaining. There is nothing entertaining about WCW 2000. Nothing. He also let us know quite a few times that 5 star matches don’t bring in ratings. Yeah, that’s true, Ric Flair, Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, Stone Cold, The Rock, Triple H, John Cena, Chris Jericho & CM Punk have all drawn consistently because they put on crappy matches. Who watches wrestling for wrestling? On with the ENTERTAINING show…
We get a promo video of Vince Russo’s build up for the title shot, followed by Borash getting out of a limo with Russo behind him.
Big Vito vs Johnny The Bull – I Quit Stickball Bat vs Kendo Stick Match
That’s literally what Tony said. “It’s an I Quit Stickball Bat vs Kendo Stick Match”. The announcers have to give us their history, and why this match is important. Makes perfect sense. I mean why take weeks to remind people, build it up, and put it on PPV when you can throw it away on the beginning of Nitro and have Tony give you the cliff notes? They keep panning over to a woman in the front row who’s apparently Vito’s sister. I’m guessing his sister turns on him sometime very soon. As the match goes, Vito hits Johnny with his stick of choice, then vice versa, and so it goes. Reno soon comes out to put things in Johnny’s favor. He beats on Vito for a minute until his sister comes in the ring, and the match that can only end when one man says “I quit” just ends when the ref rings the bell. Of course it does.
I have no idea who won, or how they won, because it’s never addressed. This lasted about 5 minutes | *
Borash & Russo backstage, with JB letting Vinny Ru know that he’s the man
We get more footage of David Flair as he assaults patrons on a payphone. He gets an address from a phonebook, and is on his way.
Jarrett & Steiner come out for a promo, in which Jarrett says Russo is the man, and then Steiner, much to my surprise, claims he’s better than everyone. This is all to set up an introduction for Vince Russo. He’s a heel, but of course he’s playing babyface because why not have as much fun as you can when you book yourself to win the heavyweight championship in your hometown. Sting’s music hits, and up on the screen we see him standing behind Booker, as he tells us he has Booker’s back. He instructs Russo to “look behind you”, as we see Goldberg make an entrance through the crowd, which upsets Steiner to a degree.
Now we’re hanging out with Kronik in their dressing room, and they seriously look like a living version of Vogue magazine. I mean, Bryan Clark is wearing a sleeveless, teal, skin-snake print silk shirt for crying out loud. I wouldn’t be afraid of these guys. I’d be more afraid they’d redecorate my house and overcharge me for it. I’m sorry Sebastian, I know you have a kronik-crush on them, but they suck. Mike Sanders shows up and they’re told they’re out of the tag-team battle royal tonight, which is for the WCW tag-team titles. They don’t take kindly to this, and Adams says he has a plan.
Tag-Team Battle Royal for the WCW Tag-Team Titles
It’s never explained why this is happening. Why should it, really? Kaz from the Yung Dragons is eliminated first, followed by Shane Helms from 3 Count. Konnan is on commentary and he delivers some brilliant & biting quips as he informs us that many of the other teams are either gay or masturbate a lot. Oh ho ho ho. Kronik show up and eliminate the Harris Brothers. Jamie San and Shannon Moore are eliminated, followed by Lash and Loco. Security then comes in and mace Kronik before handcuffing them. OK, so Kronik are taken away by security because they weren’t legal participants, but their eliminations still stand? Sure, why not. Disco shows up and hits Juice with his Disco Duck, then drags him out. Rey tries to put up a fight, but Jindrak & O’Haire put him down for the win & the titles. These guys are easily the best tag-team WCW has, so it’s about time.
Jindrak & O’Haire win the straps after eliminating Rey Mysterio at 6:22 | ** Not a bad match really, but all of the logic was some of that magic that helped WCW lose $62 million in on year. But who cares about logic? People don’t want logic, or to be treated like they have at least half a brain! ENTERTAINMENT!
Backstage we’ve got Mean Gene with Howard Stern’s Wack-Pack. They’re going to be judges for the first ever WCW bikini contest. I can hear Russo’s explanation for this
right now “Who WOULDN’T want to see a bunch of weird guys make passes at hot chicks in bikinis?! That’s so freaking entertaining! During that portion of Nitro, we did a 49.8, which was higher than the final episode of M*A*S*H!”
ICP vs Mike Awesome & His Bus – Hardcore Match
ICP come out and challenge Mike Awesome and his bus to a hardcore match. Naturally, he shows up in the bus. Now, since this was an impromptu challenge, I’m lead to believe that Awesome was just sitting backstage in his bus, dressed in 70’s attire with kneepads on? ENTERTAINMENT! Although I must say, it was pretty entertaining when Awesome gave Shaggy a Razor’s Edge ontop of the bus, and then slips off the side, despite Mike jumping and clutching his leg, trying to save him. No such luck. He heads down and pins him.
Awesome pins Shaggy after he slips off the top of the bus at 2:03 | * It was short, and served it’s purpose. Although I am upset they didn’t try to work something out in which the bus pinned someone. Or turned on Awesome.
We catch up with David Flair, who’s arriving now at Chuck E. Cheese. He demands to know the location of some one, and after some interaction with the clerk, he digs through a ball pit.
Cat comes out and says he’s going to make things difficult for Russo. He says that if any of his 3 stooges, Nash, Steiner, or Jarrett interfere in the match then they’re all fired. Mike Sanders shows up to say he’s going to keep Cat from keeping Russo winning the WCW title. The Thrillers show up and lay the boots to The Cat
WCW Bikini Competition
Gene is co-hosting with Paula Poundshock. This may be the absolute fucking worst thing I’ve ever seen on a national wrestling program.
First up is Nitro girl Shay, second is another Nitro girl. Then Torrie Wilson, who looks pretty good. After that is Tygress, and no joke, she looks like she’s 60. Her & Paisley work together, which really doesn’t improve the situation. Next up is the manager of Yung Dragons. I honestly think I could have gone to Wal-Mart and found hotter girls than this. Major Guns is up next, and this prompts Duggan to come out and cover her up. Since she’s out, Paula Poundshock girl takes her place. She wins, which prompts the manager of Yung Dragons to threaten a beating until Midaja comes out to make the save for whatever reason. Why the hell wasn’t Daffney in this thing? She’s the only girl I even remotely cared about seeing. All in all, I can truly say this was the worst segment I’ve ever seen on a national wrestling program. It’s the absolute perfect snapshot of everything that is Russo. This whole thing was like when people are talking about Russo, and then create some completely outlandish, pathetic, and pointless booking plot line as a joke, except this was REAL. Painfully real.
We hear words from Poppa Pump, although not much as he’s blinded sided by Goldberg from behind. He’s not able to do much as security pulls him apart.
Disco Inferno is out now, which I’m grateful for, as he’s one of, oh I don’t know, 3, maybe 4 out of the entire roster that’s fun to watch. He says he isn’t going to let Rey, Juvi, Konnan, or Tygress back into the Filthy Animals. He wants to introduce his newest partner, but instead Steiner comes out and beats the hell out of him. He demands Goldberg. Bill comes out, and says okie dokie, but it’s gonna be a cage match, with no ref, other than to raise his hand. So, if there’s no ref, how do you know who wins? Then again, with most WCW 2000 matches you could have 30 refs and still never know who won.
Scott Steiner vs Goldberg – Cage Match
WCW’s cage is actually a Hell in a Cell. Although their term “caged heat” is about as cool as the mask that Steiner’s wearing, which makes him look like something out of a rape nightmare. They exchange power moves for most of the match, until Midaja saunters down, opens the door, and hands Scott the pipe. Well, good thing it’s c age match that prevents any and all interference. Unless someone knows how to move a latch. Well, Goldberg hits Steiner with a spear and heads on out. If they’d given this match some hype, and more time, they could have actually had a rating here. Oddly enough, these guys do have chemistry. This match wasn’t nearly as good as the one from Fall Brawl.
Goldberg leaves the cage at 4:44 | *1/2
Booker T has an interview where he instructs Russo to save the drama for his mother.
General Boner vs Jeff Jarrett
Hugh has the POW/MIA patch on his pants, and I’m sure they’re proud to be associated with someone named General Boner. Not much happens, as within 2 minutes Team Canada comes down and causes Boner to catch a Stroke, giving Jeff the pin.This was beyond pointless. What did this do for Jarrett? Russo truly felt this was a much better choice than Jarrett & Boner having a great 10-15 minute match in which Jarrett proves he’s a worth while, dominant heel, and Boner proves he can move up to main event status by almost getting one over on Jarrett. But who needs that? Logic doesn’t sell tickets. They start the beat down, which brings out MIA as well as Sting. Storm is upset at Stinger, and says he wants to teach him some respect, so he challenges him to a match right now, which Sting accepts. This has potential to be a great match, however, no one wants to see that. Hopefully a fat woman will come out and pin both of them with her butt, because she’s really fat, and being sat on by a fat person would hurt because they’re fat.
Jarrett hits Boner with the Stroke for the pin at 2:16 | 1/4*
Sting vs Lance Storm
Started during commercial break. Thank God that the match with 2 guys who are capable of having a great match together starts during commercial, and not the Stickball Bat Kendo Stick Cricket Mallet Tennis Racket I Quit Cage Match or the bikini competition. I’ll be shocked if this gets 5 minutes. Neither one holds momentum for very long, as they each catch each other with a surprise, and keep up offense until the other starts the cycle all over. Sting almost gets the Deathlock, but Storm turns it into the Maple Leaf. Storm goes full tilt afterward, until Sting goes to bodyslam Lance then turns it into the Deathdrop. No surprise that what we got was great stuff. Any person with an ounce of common sense would have put these two in a feud pronto, but that could interfere in Sting vs Vampiro for the 73rd time in the Loser Is Shot In The Face With a Civil War Cannon match, to which Sting would lose but then make a courageous comeback one week later, despite doctor’s saying he’d never wrestle again because he didn’t have a head. Well, with a little bit of guts, and a pumpkin painted with black & white facepaint, Sting showed’em all.
Sting wins with the Deathrop at 4:18 | ** Not worth tracking down because it’s so short, but it was a nice tease of what could have been
David Flair shows up at someone’s house, and despite being in an angry, psychopathic rage, knocks on the door. Turns out he’s at the wrong house, his destination is next door. The guy tells him he’s out-of-town. So David tells him that when you see him, you deliver this message “I’ll be sitting right here waiting for him”. Couldn’t Flair deliver that himself since by the time the guy next door sees him, he’ll be home? Also, we heard that Russo was one of the guys rumored to be the father of the child, but you just know they would have had it be David. To which he then has a match against himself for revenge for him cheating on his fiance with him.
Vince Russo vs Booker T [C] – WCW World Heavyweight Championship – Cage Match
Russo comes out in full football regalia, sans the thigh-pads, which was legit because of the fact he’d already had about 20 concussions. He attacks Booker with a bat while his back is turned, and promptly heads for the door. However, a good chunk of WCW’s faces are out, and won’t allow it. Russo gets a ladder and sets it up in the middle of the ring, climbing it in hopes of escaping via the top of the cage. It’s not to be as Sting & Awesome prevent it. Booker finally comes to and begins beating Russo from pillar to post. Lex Luger shows up and gives Russo a lead pipe. Sure, that makes sense, as the last time we saw Luger he was constantly chasing Russo because he had kidnapped Liz. Continuity doesn’t sell tickets. Russo knocks out the ref, and then proceeds to knock out EMTS who’ve come to help the ref until one EMT fights back, and turns out to be Ric Flair, which was actually pretty sweet. Booker lays the beating on some more, and before he leaves, Goldberg’s music hits, which for some reason makes Booker just stay in the cage. Goldberg shows up, intent on doing harm to Russo, and just as Booker is about to step through the cage, Goldberg spears Russo through it and to the outside. I’m not sure if they were suppose to acknowledge Russo’s win or not, because Booker had a look of “what did you do?” but then Goldberg acted like nothing was up and went for the high-five. It was at that point the show was over. I’ll be honest, this match worked. It was an instance of Russo’s crash-TV bullshit that actually worked, in which you just do a lot of brawling, and have a lot of surprise appearances. He’s pretty lucky he was wearing that helmet, because he absolutely wiped out on that guard rail.
Russo hits the floor first & wins the WCW Title at 8:50 | ** It’s nice that Russo gave himself not only the title, but the most ring time. Honestly, it’s a match worth checking out for the sheer audacity of Russo, and because of all the crazy shit that’s going on with it.
Showcase Showdown: Another truly awful show. There was some decent stuff, such as the ICP vs Mike Awesome & A Bus, Sting vs Storm, and Russo vs Booker. Pretty shocking that the highlights of Nitro are wrestling, since people don’t care about matches. On the other side, it was WCW delivering some truly awful ‘entertainment’, bottoming out with the WCW Swimsuit Competition. People may have a problem with Arquette being champion, but I was far more offended at Russo holding the strap. At least David respected the business and donated all of his earnings to Brian Pillman & Owen Hart’s families.
Also, Rock Star Gary, you said you attended this show. We’d definitely like to hear how that night went, and what happened after the show went off the air.