So I have this show to review, and then after this I have Night of Champions, which is a three hour Pay Per View, and then after that Raw, all to watch. That’s a combined what, hour and a half (this show) plus two hours and twenty minutes, plus another hour and a half for Raw is a combined time of what, five hours and twenty minutes of wrestling? Plus I’m going through a best of WWF in the 90s thing right now (Bret Hart is the most fucking boring wrestler ever and Perfect/Hart from King of the Ring ’93 is the most overrated match ever). [Note From Caliber: No.] Sometimes being a wrestling fan is a real chore.
1st Match: Rey Mysterio and Tygress vs Natural Born Thrillers
Interesting choice, this is where the match left off on the PPV, it was an elimination match and was really fucking good but stopped because of a fake neck injury from Paulie O. This match doesn’t have the same desperation of the last one and is gonna suck dick, and be really cartoony. The match before had this really good suspense because Filthy Animals were getting their asses kicked the whole time and the Natural Born Thrillers had four guys in there while the only two people left on the other team were Rey and Tygress.
The problem with this match is that everything that Rey and Tygress do is so cartoony that you can’t really get into the match. The Thrillers will work on Rey for two minutes and he’ll just come back out of nowhere. It takes all believability out of the match. Rey gets some momentum in and eliminates one of the guys but the big guys team up on Rey. Kwee Wee runs in and hits two of the dudes with chairs eliminating them and now its down to Sanders and Tygress. Sanders goes for a press slam but Tygress reverses into a sleeper. Man, fuck this match. Madden acts like Tygress is the hottest thing ever and she’s really not. Anyway, Rey distracts Sanders and Tygress hits the Facebuster for the win.
DUD Couldn’t develop a story and the big guys were made to look like bitches. Everything that made the match work at the show the night before was what didn’t make this one work.
Nash tells the Natural Born Thrillers they suck. Way to put over the new talent Nash. They show shit from the ppv and blow the Steiner/Goldberg match. Overrated but not bad at all. The crowd was totally dead though because of Steiner’s shitty submission finisher and they didn’t let Goldberg make any long comebacks which killed any momentum he had going and the crowd just died because of the structure of the match but its interesting to watch if only for the reason that SCOTT STEINER CARRIED THE FUCKING MATCH!
Vince Russo comes out to Goldberg’s music and the commentator’s are pretty funny actually. Schivaone says, “The fans don’t know that its Russo (as we saw him backstage but the fan in the arena didn’t),” and Madden goes, “And when they see its him the cheers will get even louder!” Russo comes out and brags about himself. He then tells the fans he got a letter from Goldberg saying that, “I don’t deserve you, I’m a disgrace, I don’t deserve the fans, I’m a loser,” and the fans start chanting asshole. Madden, “I think the fans are talking about Goldberg.” Back to the letter, “I resign and if the kids need someone to look up to they should look up to you because I am not half the man you are. You are my God.” That letter was pretty humorous actually. I might like these Russo segments, the problem is he does a GREAT job of making you want to see him die… but I’m afraid he’s never going to get his comeuppance. Russo could let his ego get ahead of the story and just keep on straight ‘heelin with no payoff.
Scott Steiner comes out and cuts a fucking hilarious promo. After beating Goldberg he now knows that he’s buffer than Goldberg because he beat hm up. A lot of the fans are actually behind Steiner and start a, “Goldberg sucks,” chant. Scott says he wants to go for the title next week. If Steiner vs Booker T happens Caliber’s in for a treat, their match on the last Nitro was really good and I’d put it ahead of Steiner/Goldberg.[NFC: Yeah, apparently you don’t know what happens on the September 25th edition of Nitro.] Jeff Jarrett comes out, and get this, he calls everyone a slapass! Nash comes out because is been five minutes since we’ve seen Nash. Nash gets in the ring and fuck, he’s tall. Nash says he wants a rematch because of the rematch clause. That rematch clause is the most boring thing in wrestling ever, it means that whatever match you saw last time you see again and usually with the exact same result. Mind you that was 90% of WWE’s ppv’s in 2008. Russo makes a triple threat or a tag match… or something and Russo is going to be Nash’s partner tonight and whoever wins the tag team, triple threat thing gets a shot at the title next week. Whew, I’m so excited. I mean look at the contenders for the title, we got Jeff Jarrett, a guy who’s mic ability equals that of a Pokemon, and who’ve we seen wrestle Booker T about ten hundred times, Nash who’s fun in segments but is boring as fuck in the ring and let his skills wither and die because once he became part of the NWO he could get away with being a horrible wrestler, and Steiner who… I mean he’s Scott fucking Steiner. Then there’s Russo… I mean its fucking Russo. What an unexciting product, meanwhile the super hot Trips and Dwayne at the time were doing critically praised Ironman matches over in the WWF.
2nd Match: Shane Douglas and Torrie Wilson vs Kwee Wee and Paisley
This match… just kinda sucks and is about three minutes. Ends with Shane powerbombing Paisley for the win, like a badass.
DUD But Shane is a rad heel.
Russo and Nash plan strategy on a chalkboard. Nash pretty much tells Russo to distract the other guys while Nash sits on the apron doing nothing, and then spells Bite Me. Man, I’m so excited for that main event I can’t see straight. Booker and Sting talk shit backstage and Booker uncharacteristically punches Sting in the face leading to a pull apart brawl. Disco Inferno hangs out with Disco Duck which leads to him wrestling Ernest Miller, and if Disco wins he gets the Commissioner job, but if Ernest wins Filthy Animals lose the tag titles. Yeah, that makes sense. I remember back in the 60s when Ali lost the title because Sugar Ray Robinson lost to Paul Pender.
3rd Match: Disco Inferno vs Ernest Miller
Ernest kicks Disco once and pins him for the win.
The match was too good to rate.
Nash doesn’t want to wrestle tonight and Steiner, and Jeff want him to talk Russo out of being killed but Nash is like, “Na, I gotta go listen to 2CHAINZ AND SMOKE ON THAT GAS!” Now Russo needs a tag partner.
We are thirty minutes in, have had three matches but I think the total wrestling is about seven minutes.
AW FUCK YEAH! We’re rewatching the David Flair/Mail Man thing. If you want to see my write up of it go read the PPV team up Caliber and I did. Its okay, I’ll wait.
You didn’t read it did you? Bastard.
If you did I apologize.
Oh God, please stop sending threats to me. I’m sorry, look you could probably beat me up anyway, I didn’t mean what I said about your girlfriend being really ugly and you being a stoner bitch who steals people’s glasses.
You haven’t seen the way he looks at her, I have! Honestly though, I do wish they’d continue with these segments and do more of them rather than just reshow the one from the PPV. These could get ridiculous and entertaining, like you could have David Flair go to Walmart and attack some old lady because she banged Stacy.
Some guy comes out named Smooth and says he knows who the father is. David runs in with a pipe ready to beat some ass but Smooth calms him down and tells him he has a video tape of who the father is. Smooth says he needs David to pay him first. They exchange and Smooth goes to count the money but David ko’s Smooth and then runs off with the tape. Why not take your money back? I guess David’s a man of his word. We cut to Russo who’s fucking around with a tape. Hmmm, I wonder who the father is.[NFC: In the WCW 2000 Timeline with Russo, he said Ric was gonna be the father, which would have been fucking AWESOME. Because it would explain why Ric was so quick to forget all the bad shit, and he could be like “See! This is what happens when you mess with the Nature Boy! Whooo!”] Steiner and Jarrett try to talk to Russo but Russo doesn’t want to talk ’till after the Booker T/Sting match and mentions Kronik. David goes to the production guys but the dude doesn’t want to play the tape so David ko’s him with the crowbar… and then just leaves. Does David not know how to work a VHS player? Like he needs someone to put in the tape for him? I mean, that’s fucking hilarious. Russo tells Sanders to give Kronic a tape and tells him not to tell who he got it from. Yeah, I’m sure Kronic are too stupid to videotape Nitro, does no one on this show know how to work a VHS?
4th Match: Sting vs Booker T (C) for the World Heavyweight Championship
This match is probably going to kick ass but it sucks that its stuck in the middle of the show. Lock up and Booker to a wrist-lock into a headlock which Sting reverses into a hammerlock. Criss cross and Sting with a kick but Booker reverses but runs into a clothesline. I’m assuming wherever this is from the crowds really racist because everyone is booing the shit of everything Booker is doing and most of the crowd look like rednecks wearing Slap Nuts shirts. Booker goes for a suplex that Sting rolls out of and reverses into an armbar but Booker reaches the ropes. I like how these guys mesh, they’re both really fast and have styles that compliment each other. Sting with the Splash in the corner and he goes for the Deathlock when Jeff and Scott run in. That match could’ve been really good but for whatever reason they decided to rush to the ending three minutes in, maybe because of the crowd or maybe because Russo hates wrestling. Jarrett and Steiner do submission holds to the faces and taunt.
Sanders gives the tape to one of the guys from Kronic and you can just tell they’re badasses that listen to Pantera.[NFC: Are you kidding me? |<roni>| look like Russo’s version of the Village People. I’d be more afraid they’d give me a bad hair cut than kick my ass] Kronic watched the tape and want a match with Steiner and Jarrett now. Match could be good but man how this show sucked big dick.
Lance Storm with Canadian Gunns and some guys all come out. Gunns is just so generic, I man her and Torrie are practically the same person. Generic blonde chicks suck, we need more Stacy Keibler, I never see any women with legs like that in my school. Duggan comes out as a Canadian and he does an over-dramatic promo about the reason he became Canadian was because the fans cheered for Goldberg in one match. What a bitch, that’s not the same thing as Foley & Funk getting the beat-down of a life time inside the steel cage, then the fans not giving a shit about them because of the announcement that Stone Cold was coming up. The Misfits run down for an impromptu match.
5th Match: MIA vs Lance Storm and Elix Skipper (maybe) and Duggan
I was probably wrong on the racist thing earlier as this is from Canada and they might’ve just been booing Booker because they’re more familiar with Sting. It was just… vile booing, it was like Cena in Chicago situation so that’s what I figured was going on. So the Canadians are the faces but they still do the booking where the MIA are faces. Some basic stuff and then Hacksaw hits Rection with a piece of wood for the win. The crowd was really fucking hot for the match chanting Canada the whole time.
DUDLEY DUD DUDDINGS
Jarrett and Steiner are pissed and Jarrett says after they deal with Kronic they’re going to deal with Russo. Awesome is his 70s bus with Coleman. Coleman promises to fuck up Jarrett. While Awesome’s being an apathetic, whiny 70s loser when the ICP come up from behind him.
6th Match: Kronic (now with a backwards K in their titantron) [NFC: Dude, they’ve been like that for at least a month now] vs Jarrett and Steiner… OR SWERVE
Steiner and Jarrett don’t come out, instead Nash comes out with the Natural Born Thrillers. Nash says Kronic’s not in the same league as Jarrett and Steiner and instead they’re going to wrestle The Natural Born Thrillers. Oh man, this is lame sauce. Kronic make short work of them and do their finishers and pin them. Then Reno and Palumbo run in. Man, I am so apathetic toward this, I was actually looking forward to that tag match too. Kronic fuck them up with finishers and now we get Shawn and Jindrak when Steiner and Jarrett attack from behind with a baseball bat, and get the win.
FUCK THIS NITRO! We get two matches that are pretty much guaranteed to at least be three plus stars, and they both don’t happen. Fuck Russo, fuck Russo, fuck Russo, fuck Russo. ICP are so dastardly that they… that’s right… think of the most evil thing that you can possibly think of… you got it? Now multiply it by ten? That’s right, they spraypainted Mike Awesome’s shitty van!!!!!! BASTARDS! Russo gets Sting to be his partner by calling him a chicken and Sting McFly’s it.
Awesome comes out to the ring and his new song sucks. Why have his 70s song be lame as fuck? Why not give him like War Pigs or like something that doesn’t totally suck? [NFC: He should have used Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas]
7th “Match”: Mike Awesome vs Vampiro
Well its cool to see Vampiro wrestle someone who’s not wearing facepaint for once. Vampiro comes in with a kendo stick and works over Awesome but Awesome catches Vampiro and hits a cool looking belly to belly. Awesome sends Vampiro to the outside with a cltohesline and does a rad plancha! Holy shit! Wrestling moves and wrestling! What the fuck is this!? Awesome hits Vampiro with weapons and brings him into the fans. They fight to some weird ass looking stage and Vampiro gets on top of a deck and jumps on Awesome from there in a cool looking spot. Vampiro with a super kick and he throws Awesome back to the outside. Vampiro whips Awesome into the rail but Awesome comes back with a kick and works over Vampiro with crutches. Awesome pulls out a table and sets it up on the outside. Awesome with a broom and he throws Vampiro in. Its so nice… to actually be able to do play by play for the first time an hour into a wrestling show. Vampiro catches Awesome up top but Awesome throws Vampiro off and hits him with a clothesline off the top.
Awesome goes to powerbomb Vampiro into the table on the outside but Vampiro rolls out and hits Awesome with a garbage can. This match just seems like the best thing ever after an hour of absolutely no wrestling. Vampiro goes for a kick but Awesome catches him and kicks him in the balls, and then Razor Edge’s him through the table! Awesome pins Vampiro on the outside!
3.5/5.0 YES! An actual wrestling match on a wrestling show! Fun brawl that wasn’t part of a bigger story, just two guys beating each other up, rad.
Main Event: Scott Steiner and Jeff Jarrett vs Vince Russo (maybe? Booker T approached Russo in his locker room before the match started) and Sting
SWERVE! Booker T comes out making me Copy and Paste.
Main Event: Scott Steiner and Jeff Jarrett vs Booker T and Sting
Sting brawls with Scott and brings him in the ring and hits a frogspash for two. Booker in and he hits Jarrett and Scott with kicks. Sting with Splashes to both heels. Booker goes for a Book End but Madesa hits him with a kendo stick. Sting goes for the hoe but Scott attacks him from behind. Ms. Jones runs in and slams Madesa on the outside. Madden’s pretty funny here just screaming about Russo, “WHERE’S RUSSO!? WHERE IS HE!?” He kinda reminds of, and yeah, this is going to be one of those things people quote me on, Mark Madden reminds me of Bobby Heenan. I’m guessing the ending here is Russo running and pinning one of the dudes in like the last five minutes. This match could’ve been pretty good but they only had like ten minutes to do the match by the times the intros were over so they have to rush through everything really quickly. I also don’t like how weak they make Booker look, he looks like a chump champion. He’s beaten Jarrett but he gets beat up by everyone else. He almost lost the title to Sting, he got beat up by Goldberg, and he didn’t have a victory over Steiner yet so he just looks like a bitch. Jarrett with the sleeper to Booker so we can do that generic hot tag shit. You know those people who complain about movies, like Friday the 13th being repetitive? Those people must think wrestling fans are fucking insane then. Steiner, with his facemask, in and Booker hits a clothesline and both guys are down.
This Hershey’s Chocolate Ice Cream Pie thing is fucking delicious. Booker gets the hot tag to Sting and Sting takes out the heels and fights Jarrett to the outside. Booker with the Scissors Kick along with punches in bunches in the corner… and we cut to Kronic and Sting beating up Jeff. We go back to the ring and Steiner has Booker in the submission. Russo walks slowy to the ring and grabs the Referee. See, Booker’s made to look like a bitch again. Russo drops the bat and Booker hits Steiner with the bat and puts Russo over Steiner to give Russo the shot. Eh, smart from a kayfabe thing because Russo was probably going to book someone else to fight him for the title…. but still kind of stupid because you know there’s going to be ten thousand guys interfering.
2.0/5.0 VERY generic tag team match that had bad pacing.
Final Thoughts: Minus the fun but forgettable Awesome/Vampiro match, everything on this show sucked big time. I’ve been very optimistic about the show lately, pretty much because even though it has its faults there’s still good things about it, the show would still overall be fun or at least parts of it would. But this show drained me, it left me feeling apathetic and sapped. It made me feel the way I did when I first started reviewing these. It made me feel like a Democrat when Regan was elected or like a virgin who gets promises of banging a chick and then she just lets you grab her tit. I was hopeful, I guess I was over expecting. I don’t think the show would’ve been as bad if for two things, A) The Nitro’s and other shows that I’ve reviewed lately have been pretty good and the PPV was pretty decent too so you had a higher expectation for this show, and they advertised two possibly really good matches on this show in Sting vs Booker T, and Kronik vs Steiner and Jarrett. And I don’t know, maybe the shows will get better, or maybe I’ll just become used to the lameness but until then I have to sit through the shows with a depressed mindset and be excited for anything resembling a wrestling match.