Nitro again, opens up with a limo arriving. Out comes David, who’s greeted by Crowbar in a tux-shirt, and says this is David’s night. Daffney is there as well, and so is a man named Ozzy.
We then see Jarrett, who says perhaps the band should play at the wedding.
They have a new opening video, which I have to admit isn’t that bad.
Filthy Animals [C] vs Kroni>| – WCW Tag-Team Championship w/ Konnan & Disco on commentary
It’s Juvi & Clarke for a minute, before Rey finally tags in. Borash asks Konnan if we’re going to see a “face full of stuff”, to which Konnan says “nah, cause they didn’t want to sell it”. Oh snaps! That’s inside talk! Wait a minute, that must mean these guys really don’t like them! I knew it! Everything else is fake except this match! Just then, the Harris Brothers show up, and attack Clarke, then Disco hits Adams with the Last Dance [Chartbuster] and rolls him into the ring. They get a 2 count, and can’t seem to put him down until Mysterio does a leg-drop off the top rope onto Adams’ hangdang. Nothing too
terrible, and having Disco on commentary always helps.
Mysterio hits Adams with a Top Rope Leg Drop to the junk for the pin at 4:14 | *1/2
Now we see another limo, which contains Stacey.
We get a recap of the War Games match from last week.
The Cat comes out, and tells us that the main event of Fall Brawl is Nash vs Booker T in a steel cage match, in order to keep Russo out. Well, that must mean without a doubt that Russo won’t be able to effect the outcome of the match in any sort of way. Later tonight, Nash faces Scott Steiner, and Jarrett is going to apparently fight Cat’s assisstant, Ms. Jones. Well, why not? Double J comes out to accept the challenge, and says he’ll handcuff himself for the match. Steiner soon shows up to slap Cat in the Steiner Recliner.
Big Vito vs Reno – Stickball Bat On A Pole Match
Yeah, you read that right. We get footage of Vito getting his ass kicked by the Thrillers last week to set this match up. They go at it for a minute, before Reno gets the advantage and is about to beat Vito when Johnny The Bull comes out to save him. Oh, he’s obviously here to protect his friend, and former tag-team partner, and I know Russo, there’s NO way he’d tur—oh man, SWERVE! Johnny cracks Vito, and Reno nabs the pin. They celebrate for a moment before Vito gets up and nails them all with the stick, thus prompting the other 30 members of the Thrillers to come out and beat on Vito. For those that don’t remember, we last saw Johnny in a hardcore match with Funk, in which he tore his urethra. Not only did he tear it mid-match, but he then went on to FINISH IT. He wrestled with a torn dick! That’s pretty f’ning burly. This match could have been something, as Vito & Reno seemed to have a bit of chemistry. Oh well, why waste time on wrestling when there’s a wedding to watch.
Reno pins Vito after Johnny nails him with the Stickball Bat at 2:00 | *
Medusa is interviewed, saying she has a problem with Torrie Wilson being hired simply for her looks
Torrie Wilson vs Medusa
They fight for 20 seconds, well, Torrie is beat up for 20 seconds, and then Douglas comes in to draw the DQ. Kidman of course comes for the save. Apparently he hasn’t been seen since New Blood Rising, well, my apologies to Kidman, because I hadn’t noticed, or cared.
DQ at .30 seconds when Douglas shows up | No Rating
Afterwards, Madusa interjects herself into Douglas’ & Kidman’s match at Fall Brawl, which is a scaffold match. Sometimes I’m so mad at myself for creating this website.
We see a third limo arrive, followed by the Partridge Family Bus. Of course I’m being serious. Who gets out? Naturally, Mike Awesome.
Backstage, Steiner is upset. He wants Goldberg, not a match with Nash. Kevin then says, hey, let’s do what I did with Hogan. I touch you, you lay down, 1-2-3. Steiner then needs the whole “I lay down?” thing explained about 8 times. Really, Nash should have explained it in numbers, starting with Steiner’s 66 & 1/3rd % chance of winning.
Double J vs Ms Jones
Double J gets handcuffed, and Cat lays some blows into him before Ms. Jones tells him to go backstage. Tony exclaims about what an athlete Ms. Jones is because of her ability to push Double J into the guard rail. Back in, she goes for the guitar, but Jeff kicks her in the mid-section, grabs the guitar, and lays her out for the pin. He appears to go for a post-match beat down, but this brings out Mike Awesome to make the save.
Double J pins Ms. Jones with a guitar shot at 1:10 | DUD
Seriously, only in a Russo world could you explain what you just say by saying “A guy in hand-cuffs hit a girl with a fake guitar and then a guy dressed like he lives in the 1970’s came out and beat him up”.
Backstage, Steiner still doesn’t get it, so Nash is literally drawing it out for him on a board. Steiner finally gets it, and isn’t happy. They’re seriously doing the “good guy books two bad guy friends together in a match and bad guys plan to fake the match to get at the good guy but neither wants to lose thus we’re made to think they’re really gonna fight” bullshit? Haven’t they seriously done that for the last 96 weeks in a row already? On the bright side, this was probably the most entertaining segment in all of Nitro 2000.
Oh boy, Duggan is out. He’s got an American flag, and gets the crowd chanting USA, so I’m willing to bet $1, Canadian, that he jumps ship to Team Canada either tonight or at Fall Brawl. Duggan starts to give a retirement speech, and considering he’s stll wrestling today, I don’t think he’s sincere. He says he wants to pass the torch and the flag to someone he believes will do him proud, General Rection. Yeah, Duggan is here giving this emotional speech, and literally has to ask for General Boner. Of course, Lance Storm comes out and says he wants to kick some ass for the hell of it.
Lance Storm vs General Rection
They have a decent match, it of course doesn’t go even 3 minutes, God for bid. They brawl outside, then back in, where Boner misses No Laughing Boner. Storm goes for the Maple Leaf, but Duggan points out that Boner’s arm is under the ropes. Soon, Lance goes for a flying clothesline, but Duggan hits him with the 2×4, which sends him into Boner who hits him with a powerslam, and nabs the pin. Well, if there’s one thing I believe, it’s that Duggan is a true American and General Boner’s friend for life, and will definetly be in his corner come Fall Brawl, when Boner faces Storm for the title. Thank goodness we know
that Duggan would never turn on friend & country.
Storm eats a powerslam & a pin at 2:41 | *1/2
Stacey receives a registered letter, and shockingly, it contains bad news.
It’s the wedding, and I was excited because I thought surely the show is over here in a few minutes…but no, there’s still the main event. I’m so fucking sad. There are tears on my keyboard, because we still have to do the “oh man, they’re really going to fight” build, and then the big swerve. I’m just going to piledrive myself and fucking end it all. Oh GOOD, David wants to talk. He wants to talk to Arn Anderson, which promptly brings out AA. He grabs the mic and tells David he has a few things to say, and that Stacey need not pay attention, as it’s just between him and David. As he speaks into the microphone. He tells David there will be times when your friends say there’s a big party going on, or that hey, let’s go fishing, when in fact you should be doing things with the wife. He says you’ll toil with the descion. But the best thing to do is do it, because it’s easier asking for forgiveness than permission. He then tells David to hide money from her, and then tells her there will be a time when you’ve done the parties and such one too many times, and
you’ll come home, and she’ll be there waiting. She’ll say it’s OK, and to just get a good rest. He tells him that’s when you take the money you’ve hidden and run for your life. Arn Anderson just made this entire show worth it. Of course, David needs to talk more, about how he wishes his dad were here. Of course, why not. Last time we saw Ric you were beating him with bats and shaving his fucking head. Ric actually does come out. He says he let by gones be by gones.Of course, a group of cops come out, and say Ric is to be arrested due to the fact Russo got a restraining order this morning to keep Flair from the arena. If there’s one thing I know about restraining orders, it’s that the person it’s being placed against is never told about it until they break it. Of course. Stacey then takes off without saying a word. Russo is pretty amazing, in that he just had brain surgery, but was able to fly into Charlotte, head into the courts, and get himself a restraining order. All without a hearing or anything.
This show isn’t ending. I’m truly afraid that I died sometime this morning and I’m in hell, and this Nitro is never going to end.
Sting vs Harris Brothers
OK, for some reason Sting is facing both Harris Brothers who each have a massive length of chain they’re allowed to use. None of this is explained. Out comes Kroni>|, and they have their own chains. They beat on the Brothers for a minute, and throw Sting ontop for the pin. What the candy apple hell was that?
Sting pins one of the HBs at 2:14 | DUD
Oh God, David is backstage, and he says he loves Stacey, and just wants to get married. THIS SHOW IS GOING TO FUCKING KILL ME. Oh my God, how long is this recap, 500 pages?! 2 segments this bull shit gets in one show. Apparently, if Russo had his way it would be World Championship Weddings. Naturally, when the priest asks if anyone has any objections, Stacey does. Of course she couldn’t have said this backstage. She now tells him he isn’t the father of her baby. We all know who the plan was to be the father. Seriously, did Russo think that the fans would just be dying to see David Flair
vs Stacey Keibler?
Kevin Nash [C] vs Steiner – WCW World Heavyweight Championship – special guest ref/ Booker T, Goldberg as special enforcer
Neither want to lay down, so they fight for about 10 seconds until Steiner kicks Booker T right in the Harlem Hangdang. Then they pummel him until Goldberg gets in the ring, and of course he gains momentum for a few seconds until weapons are brought into it. Finally, Goldberg & Booker fight their way back, but then the Partridge Family bus rolls into the arena, as the Natural Born Thrillers empty out and pummel Booker & Goldberg. It’s one of the oddest fucking sights I’ve ever seen. Finally, we’re out of time…
Honestly, that has contention for being the worst episode of wrestling I’ve ever seen. It seriously felt like I was watching that Nitro for a week, it just wouldn’t end. We got 3 matches that went over 3 minutes, and only one that went to 4. We had to devote TWO segments to that wedding bullshit, and the only guy the entire arena cared about was shown for a few minutes before being carted off by the police in one of the dumbest reasons for a wrestling arrest I’ve ever seen. Seriously, why not say Ric Flair is arrested because someone killed Russo’s entire family and ate them, and also spread lies that Russo has a 10″ penis when in fact the cops saw documents today tat proves he has a 15″ one? So then Ric Flair can be arrested for allegedly murdering & eating Russo’s family, as well as spreading lies about Russo having less of a monster penis that he actually does. That would seriously be less grating than what they gave us. Easily the 2nd worst episode of Nitro ever, if not the first. Fuck you, Sebastian. If the next Nitro you do isn’t God-awful I’m going to kick you up the dick.