Monday Nitro – September 4th, 2000 – Sebastian

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Tonight is the Triple Cage match famous for how bad it is, and because its on the Best of Nitro DVD Vol 1. They do a new intro on this show (well unless it was on last weeks episode but no one cares because everyone on the site is here for me) that’s actually pretty cool as its a bunch of clips of wrestlers beating each other up in black and white.

1st Match: Dark Carnival (Insane Clown Posse) vs Filthy Animals (Rey Mysterio and Juvi Juice) (C) w/ Disco Inferno, Konnan, and Tygress for the Tag Team Championships

Tygress feels Konnan’s shirt but Konnan doesn’t like women so he tells her to cut it out. Filthy Animals do a standard WWE tag team match style from 2008 and take both of the Dark Carnival out and plancha onto them. If this was an episode of Raw we’d cut to commercial right after that, and come back to one of them in a chinlock, and the tag match would be about ten minutes too long with a bunch of filler involved. Juvi and Rey do a lot of fast paced team stuff. Dark Carnival catch them, and to ICP’s credit they don’t look embarrassing in the ring at all, they don’t look like pros or anything like that but they definitely don’t look bad, everything they’re doing looks crips and like it actually hurts. I know I’m doing next to no play by play but the match is so fast and awkward there’s not much of a point.Basically the match plays out with Filthy Animals trying to do fast paced stuff but the ICP are trying to slow them down. Could work if they didn’t cram a fifteen minute match into a five minute one. Juvi Juice wins the match with a roll up.

DUD The match was just horridly paced and the “heat segment” was about a minute long. Pretty horrible but the ICP didn’t look bad in the ring at all.[Note From Caliber: ICP are probably the best celebrity wrestlers of all time. They really care about the business, and have the utmost respect for it]

Vince Russo comes out and the triple cage is down. The commentators aren’t sure whether or not the match is happening now or later. Russo goes for cheap heat by making fun of the Cowboys for losing (41-14, yikes, sounds like my school football team minus the fourteen points). Vince explains the rules of the Triple Cage match. Basically you have to climb up three cages, retrieve the title, and then leave the cage to win. So basically your best bet is to sit at the bottom staying fresh and then ko’ing whoever has the title at the end. Its just stupid using basic thinking skills. Tonight there’s going to be qualifying matches for the Wargames and Russo says that if Goldberg wins his match tonight that he’ll negate the no-touch policy. Hmm, interesting, you know Russo’s got something up his sleeve here. I actually like that a lot, it keeps the viewer engaged and leaves a certain level of suspense for later tonight.

Kevin Nash comes out looking pretty ripped. Nash says he wants to know what Russo is smoking. God I hate that phrase. I’m Straight Edge yet I have people constantly assuming that I’m high because I have allergies and my eyes get red, and I naturally have bags under my eyes. And its just such a cliche’ thing to say back in the late 90s, early 00’s. Anyway, Nash goes to attack Russo because he’s mad that Russo’s putting his title on the line. Nash starts choking him out when Sting comes out from under the ring. Vince is pretty great here, yelling, “Nash, kick his ass!” Nash just flips him off and leaves, making sure to lock the cage door behind him. Sting says he’s going to win the match later tonight and is about to leave when Russo starts taunting him pissing off Sting. Sting runs after him but Russo runs up to the Triple Cage and the heels follow after Sting, and then just to make things more construed Booker T and Ernest come out to fight the heels. Its just a pain in the ass trying to comprehend what’s happening here, there’s just too much going on. Russo climbs down the cage when Goldberg comes out, causing Russo to run out the exit next to the ramp. [NFC: I haven’t read any further, but I’m willing to bet everything I have that Nash acts like he isn’t digging Russo, only to swerve us and oh boy, they planned it all along. Again.]

I.. kind of liked that segment. The Nash thing was pretty stupid as Nash doesn’t really have any reason to be mad at Russo considering that Nash is going to have to put his title on the line eventually anyway and it seems a bit contrived. The Sting appearance was great because Russo did these hilarious facial reactions were he looked like he was going to piss himself and then as soon as Sting turned his back he started acting like a badass, and was flipping Sting off and stuff like that. Sting gets pissed and goes to get him but after that things just got ridiculous with all the heels and faces brawling in the cage. I do like that they’re building up Russo as a guy who you really want to see get his ass kicked but the build up might be for naught as WCW in 2000 is very weirdly booked and there isn’t always a pay off for things. I wouldn’t be shocked if Russo just kept on being a total dick and never got his comeuppance.

The Harris Brothers go to the Commentator Table and force them to play some clip,. because I guess the commentators have control over what the production guys play. There’s just some lame clip of the Harris Brothers attacking Kronic at a bar. Shane Douglas says he wants a match with Goldberg, and Russo’s all, “One on one?” Douglas brings out the Natural Born Thrillers for a handicapped match but Torrie goads him into a one on one match, and Shane’s all, “You really think I can do it?” Shane ends up deciding on a one on one match with Goldberg, but when he leaves Russo tells the Natural Born Thrillers to watch his back.

2nd Match: Sting vs Vampiro (JCP Champion) and The Great Muta Qualifying Match for Triple Cage Wargames Thing

Sting hits Muta with a bulldog but Vampiro catches him with an atomic drop. Vampiro holds Sting to get sprayed in the face by Muta but Sting moves and Muta hits Vampiro. Sting throws Muta to the outside and hits the Scorpion Deathdrop for the win.

DUD Could’ve been good if given length but the match was about two minutes long.[NFC: No joke, this feud has been going on for 3 months, with Sting having defeated Vampiro about 40 times]

Hot chicks working out backstage and Lance Storm is training her. “She has to be in tip top shape if she wants to be Canadian.” Badass. Russo tells Stevie Ray he should try his hardest in his match tonight and he could end up becoming the World Heavyweight Champion. He’s probably wrestling Booker.

Stevie comes out and says that Russo’s an evil snake that makes him have weird feelings in his tummy. He says that Russo says he’s threatened to tear up his contract if he doesn’t do this match tonight…. AGAINST HIS BROTHER! WOW, I DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING! WHAT A SWERVE! [NFC: Stevie Ray should know that WCW contracts are printed on magical paper. We’ve seen Goldberg literally eat a contract, and it was back in mint-condition a week later.]

3rd Match: Booker T vs Stevie Ray

I imagine that this show is going to suck as the matches they’re doing could be really good but they’re shortening them for the Cage match tonight. Booker tells Russo not to hate the playa, but hate the game! [NFC: Just to cover all grounds, I’m going to hate the player, the game, and the box it came in]

Stevie starts the match by attacking Booker which is weird because he was playing the face in promo. Ray with punches in bunches and a scoopslam for two. Backbreaker which Booker fights out of really quickly. Booker comes out with an elbow after a criss cross. Kick into the Scissors kick. Booker goes for… something but Ray catches him and hits Booker with a sidewalk slam. Stevie foes for a powerbomb but Booker backdrops out. Booker goes for the Book End but Ray elbows out only to run right back into it.

DUD Match was only about two minutes, this is really annoying. These matches could be REALLY good, the show card looks good, but the matches and angles are sped up making them horrible and less important because of the stupid Triple Cage match. They’re playing a whole shows worth of stuff in thirty minutes and its ruining it.

Kronic beat up Yung Dragons because they’re mad about Harris Brothers. Badass.

Three Count are about to dance when Kronic come out. Three Count tries attacking Kronic but Kronic just chokeslam them all. This is awesome, Kronic do their signatures to Three Count because they’re pissed off badasses who got jumped in a bar. I love Kronic, they’re now like my favorite part of this show, I think they’re badassness is heightened because I’ve been reading Maddox for like a week straight. Jeff Jarrett comes out and says they’re not getting Harris Brothers tonight because instead they’re getting a tag team match. Jeff goes on commentary and defends his action on Thunder were he hit a woman with a guitar saying it was because, “Women shouldn’t be in the ring, she should be in the kitchen.” I agree, I assume the woman just got lost and ended up in the wrong place. Women tend to forget where they are if you don’t direct them all the time.

Anyway Kronic beat up Ernest Miller for two minutes.

4th Match: Shane Douglas w/ The Buck Tramp vs Goldberg

Torrie is on the Mic and Jesus is she bad. Her voice sounds horrible, like she’s just one of those chicks who constantly nag you and you try to ignore it and go back to playing video games but her voice is so annoying that you can’t completely tune it out. She just says the generic, “This place is a Hell hole and I wanna leave because you fans won’t shut up.”

Man, Shane Douglas is so fucked in this match. Lock up and Goldberg throws Shane. Lock up number dose and same result. Shane goes to a waist lock but Goldberg does a leg takedown that looked kinda cute. To the outside but Goldberg follows and boots the leg, and then throws Shane into the guardrail leg first. Am I going to see a Goldberg match were he uses actual psychology? Too weird. Goldberg tries to hit by the post but Shane dodges and Shane starts working over the arm. To the inside and Shane has a wristlock on. Goldberg powers out and throws around Douglas. Goldberg punches Douglas and rams him into the corner. Clothesline and Goldberg sets up for spear when the Natural Born Thrillers come out. They start beating up Goldberg but he ends up taking everyone out with his signature moves.

DUD Another match that could’ve been pretty good but because it was sped up, ended up as total trash. God, I’m going to have to repeat myself in the Final Thoughts section. This show is so bad.

Russo’s crying backstage. Random advertising for Way of The Gun, its like they want you to turn to Raw. Then they replay what just happened. Lance makes this chick do a hundred more laps so she can be a Canadian. Then the Interviewer chicks decides to be a dumbass and tries to stop the whiny woman from working out because she can’t take the heat, so Lance throws her in the pool like a total badass when some fat guys come out of nowhere and throw Lance into the pool. By the way on Raw for the night opposing this the main event was Edge and Christan vs Undertaker and Rock, plus stuff like Eddie Gurrerro vs Kurt Angle. That sounds A LOT better than this shit. Anyway, just for Caliber David Flair is getting married to my Beautiful and Beloved. I don’t think I could bear to watch the show so I’m happy he’s getting it. Plus its probably going to suck more than this one.[NFC: Fuck you, I hope you run out of Pepsi]

Vito comes out and says the people in the crowd are good looking Italians. Then he talks about how he beat up Russo last week and says he wants Russo to bring it on because he has big balls. Russo’s apparently putting Vito in a gauntlet match. All the Natural Born Thrillers come out and the one guy who always does the mic work cuts some generic ass promo. Vito makes gay jokes. The one guy calls Vito fat and Vito’s all, “I can take all of you guys on.” Which is SO CONVENIENT because he’s going to fight all of them. I guess there isn’t going to be a gauntlet as they’re fighting him all together.

Vito’s so fucked. Vito tries to fight him with his stick but THE DAMNED NUMBERS GAME gets to him after like ten seconds. I refuse to do play by play for this, too many people in the ring. Basically Vito tires to fight back at but mostly gets his ass kicked for four minutes straight and its just a really dull experience. Jindrak does a Lionsault which is odd.

DUD Are you happy? Are you satisfied? How long can you stand the heat?

I don’t think I can stand it for much longer.

MORE ADVERTISING ON NITRO FOR THIS SHITTY WAY OF THE GUN MOVIE THAT PROBABLY SUCKS. Meanwhile on Raw, September 4, 2000 – RAW: Kane b Chris Benoit by Disqualification in a Number One Contender’s Match, The Dudley Boyz b The Acolytes in a tables match, Eddie Guerrero b Chyna and Kurt Angle in a three way match to win the Intercontinental Title, Triple H b Test, Hardcore Champion, Steve Blackman, b Big Bossman, Val Venis and Road Dogg b The Goodfather and Bull Buchanan, Jerry Lawler and Chris Jericho b Tazz and Mideon, World Tag Team Champions, Edge & Christian, b The Rock and The Undertaker.

While that doesn’t sound like a wrestling classic it does sound a lot more interesting than this shit and I’m sure the matches are longer than three minutes.

Main Event: War Games Triple Cage Thingy that is going to suck big time

Jeff Jarrett vs Sting to start off. Sting with punches in bunches followed by a dropkick, and a clothesline to the outside of the ring. Sting rams Jeff into the cage. Sting throws some more punches and rams Jeff into the cage again. The thing is this cage looks more like a fence than the brutal steel one that the WWE uses. Back in the ring and Sting sets up a ladder in the corner. Sting whips Jeff into the ladder twice. Sting’s being pretty brutal in this match. Steiner runs out and Sting tries to climb up to the second cage but Scott stops him with some punches. Since Scott and Jeff are both heels they work together and do a cool spot were the both ram the ladder into Sting multiple times. Scott sets up the ladder and Jeff puts one in the corner. Steiner hits a clothesline and an elbowdrop. They both whip Sting into the ladder. Kronic comes out because FUCK YEAH and they both go in together. Steiner’s in the second cage and gets bolt cutters to cut off the lock. Kronic fucks up Jeff in the first cage. Scott can’t get the second cage open and Kronic go up the second cage and beat the shit out of Scott. Bryan kicks Scott in the nuts, and Adams hits him in his injured nose. They press slam Scott on the top of the second cage and then do a cool gutbuster. Kronic… are so cool. Russo comes out with the Harris Bros.

Stings recuperated and is putting the Scorpion Deathlock on Jeff. Harris Brothers and Kronic go at it and Kronic is kicking ass with the weapons that are littered around the second cage. Back in the first cage Sting hits the Splash followed by the Deathlock onto Russo who is being tortured. Sweet. Back in the second cage and Kronic and Harris Bros are brawling. Mostly just punchy kicky stuff, just kinda there but doesn’t look bad or boring like in the Rumble matches. Nash comes out and they’ve been playing the angle all night that Nash hates Russo so you know he’s going to SWERVE at the end. Sting misses a splash in the corner and Nash takes out Sting with a chokeslam. Nash goes to chokeslam Russo but Scott and Jeff break that up. Russo begs Nash not to kill him and Steiner just wants everyone to team up on Sting. This is actually pretty good from a storytelling point of view. Booker T comes out to shake things up.

Booker goes after Jarrett and hits him with the Scissors kick. Jarrett is not having a good night. Another Scissors to Scotty and then one to Russo only to be taken out by Nash! This is a pretty fun match! Steiner brings Booker to the outside to work over him while the rest of the heels work over Sting. Booker gets back but gets booted down by Russo. Goldberg comes out to save the day. Goldberg hits everyone with elbows and goes after Russo but the heels save him only to get taken out with a clothesline. Russo hits Goldberg with a baseball bat (hit the brat with a baseball bat, oh yeah)! This match isn’t a great wrestling masterpiece but considering the following of the show for this long its a really fun match and is really well done from a storytelling point of view. Out of context the match isn’t as good. Booker and Steiner, and Sting all get out of the second cage and the heels have Goldberg handcuffed to the ring. Steiner is attacking Sting with a baseball bat and Booker has made it to the World Title. Booker grabs it and the fans think that he’s won it, but nope.Booker takes Jarrett out with the title belt, same for Steiner. Sting also got handcuffed by Steiner which allows all the heels to team up on Booker. Jeff takes out Booker with a guitar. The title falls off the second cell and Vince grabs it only for Ernest to ko him. Nash hits Ernest with a big boot and the powerbomb when Goldberg breaks out of the handcuffs and kos all of the heels with spears. Goldberg is about to leave when BAM Bret Hart slams the cage door on Goldberg’s head ko’ing him.

The heels bring Goldberg inside the ring and SWERVE Nash was working with Russo the whole time. WOW I NEVER EXPECTED THAT! Nash grabs the title and leaves.[NFC: Russo is one of those idiots that would play hide & go seek and hide behind a chainlink fence]

Okay, if I was to rate this match on actual wrestling it was horrible, it was garbage, it was trash, it was all that shit… but from a storytelling view and within context I loved it. This match was great, it did the Wargames storytelling perfectly, having the heels working over the face, then you get all hopeful that the face is going to save the day but the dastardly heels are evil bastards and you can’t overcome them because of that. And what made this one better than the Wargames matches is the match is still fair, the heels, if they’re winning there its because they’re just better than the opposing team. Here the match was so ridiculous and overplayed, and that’s what made it great. The heels were using every underhand technique in the book to win the match and make it unfair, they had more people, were working together, had handcuffs and the match did a great job of using suspense. When Goldberg got the title it legitimately looked like he was going to win the match but instead they had the swerve with Bret Hart being there. Just really good storytelling, a really nice surprise, 5.0/5.0

Final Thoughts: The show for the most part sucked big time, all the matches were REALLY sped up, it felt like they were compacting a whole two hours worth of advancements and matches into thirty minutes, it would be like having a big TV Show and putting three weeks worth of episodes in one episode, it loses the impact and isn’t is as important. However, the final match was absolutely a blast to watch and was just really well done. I’m not sure if the match will have the same magic out of context as its more of a character thing but its not totally miserable to watch outside of context so you should try watching it and see if you can get as caught up in it as I did.

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