Monday Nitro – August 14th, 2000 – Caliber

august14th2000Nitro picks up with Russo in the ring. He’s ranting about how he ran out Hogan, and how he can’t wait to fire Goldberg on TV. Russo then says “Oh, you cheer him!” and then goes on about how Brad Siegel wouldn’t let him fire Goldberg because the fans love him. So, Goldberg is a face now? Despite the fact Goldberg was a heel a day ago? Russo says since he can’t fire Goldberg, he’ll have to have his ass-kicked, by the man in the ring with him, Tank Abbot. The guy who was dancing around with 3 Count while wearing a t-shirt that was cut to showcase his nipples 24 hours ago? That guy? Russo then reminds us once more that wrestling is fake. Hudson for some reason says that this is like “Bizzaro Nitro”. If that were the case, then Nitro would be a kick in the brain. Vince then talks about scripts, and shows us “behind the scenes” signs like “go to break” and such. Seriously, fuck you, Russo.

We come back from commercial, and Goldberg is beating the hell out of Tank Abbot. Then they go to commercial and we come back as the announcers give us a bit of a run down of tonight’s events. Ah, matches that are planned? That’s part of that fake wrestling stuff! Booo!

Shane Douglas & Reno vs Kidman & Big Vito
Awesome, this feud has to continue. What feud you may ask? The one where Shane & KIdman fight because Kidman can’t fuck Torrie Wilson well enough. If you’re wondering who Reno is, he’s a useless lump in leather pants that has hair like Tong-Po from Kickboxer. There’s really nothing worth mentioning. It’s a big mele for the most part until Vito hits a splash on Reno for the pin. Afterward, Douglas tries to hand-cuff Kidman to the ring, but Vito turns the tables. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever been less interested in a tag-match my entire life. Soon, The Perfect Event & Jindrak & O’Haire all run in to help Franchise & Reno. They’re all shirtless and wearing jeans with black leather belts. It’s weird. They look like they’re being beat up by Levi Strouse & The Bugel Boys.
Vito pins Reno with a splash at 3:18 | *  An insanely boring opening match

The Filthy Animals talk with The Cat. They tell him he needs a personal assistant.

We cut to David Flair, who’s in the same outfit from the night before, along with the mud. Gunns offers her condolences. Oh fantastic, now David is going to come out, looking sullen, and try to put on a performance where he tries to convince us that she’s having a real miscarriage. He’s simply rambling, making this whole ordeal that much worse. Major Gunns comes out, pretending to cry and show remorse, but of course she still has to be super-sexy when she enters the ring. Remorse will not get in the way of throwing your ass in everyone’s face. I honestly think Gunns is the worst actress in wrestling history. Hands down the worst. This brings out Stacy, and she says shes pregnant. Tony says we understand why Keibler was all fucked up at NBR. Actually, we really don’t.

Lance Storm [C] vs Mike Awesome – Canadian/US Championship – w/ special guest ref The Cat
Awesome gets a bit of steam, and quickly hits the Awesome Bomb on Storm. However, just as he goes for the pin, Jaque shows up and boots out The Cat. Following Jaque is his old tag-team partner, Carl Oulette. They hit Awesome with their old double-team move. The Cat hits the ring again as Storm puts Awesome in the Maple Leaf, and takes out The Quebeccers. Just then, Elix Skipper shows up to take out The Cat, as Jaque taps out Awesome.
Awesome is forced to tap to the Maple Leaf in 4:35 | * Whatever

Backstage, we meet what is now Team Canada. Lance gives Carl the Hardcore Title, and Elix the Crusierweight.

Jeff Jarrett vs Booker T [C] – WCW Championship
This is apparently Jarrett’s last chance to win the title. Naturally, because this match has history, importance, and the first time I heard it was happening was when they came out to wrestle. At one point, a fan holds up a “The WWF is a joke” sign. Really? They think WWE from the year 2000 sucks? What on Earth do they think of WCW? This match is a condensed version of the ones they’ve been having lately. Jarrett goes for the guitar, but Booker catches him for a Bookend, which Double J gets out of. Booker grabs the guitar, but nails the ref by accident. This brings out another ref, but it’s all for naught because Goldberg comes out and grabs Double J, throwing him into the crowd, drawing the DQ.
Goldberg causes the DQ at 6:54 | ** After the trash we’d seen tonight, this was a welcome change.

Backstage, a girl is interviewing Big Poppa Pump. However, he silences her by sticking his finger in her mouth. It’s one of the gnarliest things I’ve ever seen, and should for all intents & purposes be classified as rape.

Carl Oulette [C] vs Norman Smiley – WCW Hardcore Championship
Naturally, Oulette controls the majority of the match. Using everything from mops, trash can lids, brooms and mop. Norman gets a bit of offense in, but ends up being more concerned with dancing than winning. Outlette sets up a table and places Norman on it while heading for the top rope. Norman tries to get up by holding on to the ref, and manages to do so just as Carl flies through the air. He crashes through the table, as Cat then falls on top of him for the win. He’s unhappy about this, and doesn’t want the title, but is forced to take it.
Norman pins Outlette after falling through a table at 5:59 | * It’s what you expect, really

Backstage, Nash is displeased about having to fight Steiner again. He only mentions Scott Hall once, which is surprising.

Filthy Animals show up, and I’m fucking upset. Konnan makes some insanely clever jokes in which he insinuates that Kronik are not only gay, but use gerbils in their asses! Har Har Har! Being Gay is dumb! Kronik show up for commentary, but Harris Brothers show up for fighting and they all brawl to the back.

Dark Carnival [C] vs Filthy Animals – WCW Tag-Team Championship
The match is pretty fast paced, with Vampiro doing the bulk of the work against Rey Mysterio & Juvi. When it looks like Vamp & Muta have the upperhand, Sting’s music hits and he comes out to beat them both with a bat, thankfully continuing this 3 year long feud. Sting clearly needs to keep facing them, as he’s only beat the hell out of Vampiro about 40 times or so. Rey pins Muta, giving the lamest faction in wrestling the tag-team titles.
Rey pins Muta after Sting comes in and attacks Muta with a bat at 6:09 | *1/2 Nothing too shabby, and could have been better given more time

Backstage, The Demon demands a 4-corners match with Sting, Muta, and Vampiro.

Elix Skipper vs Kwee Wee
They’re putting on a pretty decent match, marked by a few impressive moments. The most of which being Elix holding up Kwee in a suplex, but when he falls, Kwee reverses it into a sick DDT. Near the end of the match Elix slips on a giant class ring, and slugs Kwee in the face for the pin. I’ve said it before, but it bares repeating. Kwee is a terrible, TERRIBLE gimmick, but he’s talented, and can go in the ring, no problem. It’s a shame he never got another chance.
Elix nails Kwee with a loaded punch for the pin at 6:02 | *1/2 A decent TV match

Sting vs The Demon vs Muta vs Vampiro
I guess a 4 corner’s match is just a 4-way ’bout. Sting beats on all 4, and finally puts Muta in the Deathlock. At this point, Vampiro grabs himself a kendo-stck and aims to hurt Sting, but The Demon says he wants the pleasure, which in Russo booking means he’s gonna turn on Vampiro. As I was typing that sentence, The Demon turned on Vampiro, drawing the DQ. I’m all for this, so long as it draws out this absolutely pointless, boring feud for another few years.
The match ends in a DQ when Demon uses a kendo stick at 2:06 | DUD A waste of time

Nash comes out to talk about Scott Hall. He brings out a cardboard stand-up and cuts an interview with it. He then tells Booker to come on out, which he does, only to get attacked by Steiner with a pipe. He takes out Nash afterward, and then we see Goldberg up on the screen about to deliver a Jackhammer on Midajah. Why? I have no idea. After that, times up, and we’re out.

Showcase Showdown: Man, this was one of the worse shows I’ve seen in a while. This got by on as little story-line as I’ve ever seen in a wrestling program. Matches just happened, and at times were amongst some of the worst I’ve seen. What story-line we did have made no sense, as Goldberg was stalking random people for random reasons. Everyone is a heel, or a face, depending on what time of the day it is. Well, it’s afternoon for me and I’m suicidal. I want to punch Russo so hard in the face it breaks his leg.

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