Monday Nitro – June 26th, 2000 – Sebastian

 

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I have to mention this before the review, I’m on uppers (caffeine) and downers (sore throat pain relief) so this review might come out a little weird. [Note from Caliber:  And here I thought you were the Straight Edge Superstar]

We get clips from last weeks Nitro and the last Thunder. I would tell you guys about the clips but they’re spliced together so badly you can’t tell what’s going on. They’ll show clips of a match from Nitro then cut to The Cat talking on Thunder, then more clips of a random match from Nitro, and then Thunder again. I simply can’t get a simple narrative out of these clips.

The Cat Ernest Miller comes out, John says that Miller’s been really fun lately, I personally haven’t seen it yet but any segment that ends with Goldberg eating a contract is entertaining enough for me. If you’ve been following lately you’ll know that we’ve given two Nitro’s in a row good marks, incidentally they’ve been the only two good shows all year. I’m usually pretty apathetic going into these Nitro shows but since we’ve had two good shows in a row there’s an intrigue over whether or not this shows going to be good. Then again, our version of good is probably so dimmed down by these Nitro shows I might like Terminator 2 if I saw it right now.

Anyway, The Cat walks out to the ring and pimps Bash at the Beach in thirteen days. Ernest predicts that Jeff is going to beat Hogan and Goldberg is going to beat Nash. Lamest sign of the night as I see Sold-Berg. How uncreative can you fucking get, Jesus? Ernest says he’s having a four way match tonight with Jarrett involved. However the faces have to qualify by wrestling someone else tonight. Kevin Nash vs Mike Awesome, Scott Steiner vs Shane Douglas (Ernest Miller calls Scott Big Poppa Dump which is fucking awesome), and Goldberg gets to get into the match without having to do a qualifying match. Then, for almost no fucking reason Hacksaw Jim Duggan comes out to the stage and complains about how the New Blood is destroying WCW. Hacksaw says that Hogan and Sting are both injured and Flair’s “retired,” but Hacksaw’s still there. Hacksaw keeps on repeating things and doesn’t look comfortable on the microphone at all. Ernest sets up Hacksaw vs Goldberg tonight in a qualifying match; you guys remember that total apathy thing I was talking about earlier?

We cut to Vampiro backstage staring at a camera man who I guess is flying as the camera shot is taken really far up in the air looking down at Vampiro. Vampiro says its never going to end as we cut to a dude who looks like a stereotypical ’80s rocker as he’s wearing a KISS shirt and has Axl Rose hair. We go to Kanyon sitting in a book signing booth for his Positively Kanyon “book.” Nobody cares about him though and no one wants his book even though they’re free.

1st Match: Jindrak and Sean O’Hare vs The Filthy Animals w/ Tygress (Rey Mysterio and Juventud Guerrera)

Jin and Sean pummel Juvi and throw him into Rey to clean house. I’m actually kind of surprised that they’re starting the match with offense as Jindrak and Sean made their entrances during the commercials and Filthy Animals have a manager, a new, I think Beastie Boy’s entrance, and Juvi and Rey are both really damn popular. Jindrak misses a splash so Juvi gets the ten punch. Sunset flip by Juvi and Rey hits a dropkick allowing Juvi to get a two count. Juvi with a missile dropkick from the top for two. Juvi opens up Jindrak’s legs and they do the 3D headbutt to the balls spot. They set Jindrak up for a double dropkick move but Jindrak moves and they both kick each other in the balls. Sean in and he hits both guys with a clothesline from the top. Jindrak and Sean pick up Rey and Juvi, and hit them both with suplexes. Sean tosses Rey and hits Juvi with a sidewalk slam and Jindrak hits Juvi with a frogsplash.

2.0/5.0 Pretty decent actually, both big guys looked pretty good but the problem with this is it makes it look like the crusierweights are just so below the bigger guys. It was a debut for Jindrak and Sean O’Hare though so its fine for them to go over and again they looked really good. Really fast paced match and there didn’t look like there was any carrying here either, I imagine that Sean and Jindrak were nervous because this was their first Nitro match and they brought the goods here.

Hacksaw’s hanging out backstage playing with his wood (eh, get it?) when his Wife comes backstage and tries to get him to not wrestle Goldberg tonight but Hacksaw lived through the ’80s damn it. He probably listened to NWA and watched Predator every day like a real man, he never backs down from a challenge!

Big Vito comes out with a kendo stick and issues an open challenge for his Hardcore Title. Then Jamie Sonn, one of the masked dudes from Three Dragons comes out. Vito fucks him up with the Kendo stick when Young Yay (I fucking hate having to rewind to find these dudes names and I’m probably not even spelling them right), then Yajing Yayshii comes down and all Three Dragons team up and hit him with crossbodies. Then they all go up and kind of do that thing from the WCW movie with the triple splash from the top rope thing. One of the dudes counts the pin but its not an actual match because there wasn’t a Referee in the ring. Johnny is hanging out with Terry Funk backstage and Funk hits Johnny in the back with a chair to toughen him up because I guess that Funk is training is Johnny how to win hardcore matches. Chuck Palumbo and that other dude go into the production room and are taking control of the cameras, pyro, and entrances I guess. Shane Douglas tries leaving but a security guard says he’ll be fired if he leaves. The guard whispers something in Shane’s ear. Cut away to commercial and we come back to Shane Douglas on a bed and he says he slipped and hurt his ankle. He tells Ernest Miller to book Scott Steiner vs Buff Bagwell, but Ernest Miller has a better idea, how about Buff Bagwell vs Scott Steiner tonight? Shane admits that Ernest is a genius and then pays the guard earlier after Miller leaves the room.

Three Count come out to dance but Chuck Palumbo and that other dude who looks like 90% of people in Gold’s Gym fuck with their music. Tank loves Three Count’s dance routine and is pissed that he can’t jam to them so he goes to the production place and pulls out the tag champs, and then forces them down to the ring. He says that there’s an impromptu tag team title match tonight between the two teams.

2nd Match: Three Count(Shane Helms and Shannon Moore) vs Shawn Stasiak and Chuck Palumbo

Three Count does a bunch of spots on the two big guys but the heels single out Shane Helms and work him over in the corner. There’s two problems with this that I see right off the bat, this match is almost identical to the first one, two small guys vs two big guys. There’s not too many ways to do those types of matches so they’re going to be very similar. The second problem I have is this match really shows how good Shannon Moore really is and he really deserves better than this shit. Shane Helms doesn’t really do anything impressive in this match as he’s a punching bag for ninety percent of it. I usually do full play-by-play but this match is so short and so fast paced I’m going to paraphrase for this one. Heels work over Shane Helms for most of the match, Shannon Moore runs in and is fucking awesome but then tags in Shane and Chuck hits Shane with a metal bar behind the Referee’s back for the win.

1.0/5.0 Too similar too the last match and most it was a heat segment with Shane Helms so it wasn’t even as fun.

Kronik comes out and hits Shawn and Chuck with double chokeslams. These Kronik guys are getting a pretty good reaction from the crowd and they’re really fucking buff. Three Count decide to dance some more so Kronik decides to beat them up because they’re probably homophobic and think that all people who dance are gay, or some shit but then Tank Abbot takes out Kronik and dances backstage with Three Count. Honestly, that whole segment is a guilty pleasure, its pretty damn enjoyable. Cut to Kanyon and suddenly he has a huge assed line of people. The reason for this is because he put a sign up that said free drinks. We get a clip of Jim Duggan recovering from cancer, I’m happy for him but something that comes to my mind is how the fuck do Duggan and Piper both get cancer but Flair and Hogan don’t? Have you seen Flair’s fucking skin? Actually, how has Flair not died yet, he was like, what, sixty-three at Wrestlemania 24? People who look at that match need to mention the fact that most sixty year olds hurt themselves eating oatmeal and Flair’s taking moonsaults and doing steel cage matches with Triple H.

3rd Match: Jim Duggan vs Goldberg

Duggan and Goldberg trade punches and since Duggan is the face he wins but the Ref backs Jim up and Goldberg kills Duggan with a clothesline. They go outside but Duggan hits Goldberg with some good punches. Goldberg comes back by throwing Duggan into the post and peppers him with some boots. Hot damn, this match is really well booked so far with boy guys just killing each other. Back in the ring and Goldberg hits a snapmare into a chinlock. Now with most matches I would bitch about them doing a break two minutes in but this a heat segment and the crowd really gets into it cheering for Duggan. Duggan fights up but Goldberg hits him with some haymakers and brings Duggan into the corner. Duggan reverses a whip and hits Goldberg with a scoopslam. Duggan’s taunting and doesn’t see Goldberg hop back and hits Goldberg with a spear followed by a Jackhammer for the win.

3.0/5.0 Wrestling wasn’t great but this was really well booked and a good brawl that doesn’t drag on and makes Goldberg look fucking awesome, just really well done.

Goldberg hits Duggan with some punches to his injured kidneys causing him to “cough up some blood.” Duggan’s wife comes down to the ring and the EMT’s come down and put Duggan on a stretcher. Cut to Kevin Nash WALKING! Cut to some jobbers looking depressed. Cut back to Nash backstage and he’s watching as Duggan’s put in a stretcher and Nash is pissed. This is good assed booking, Nash now has a reason to actually be mad at Goldberg and both guys are super rugged; I’m actually looking forward to their match at the Bash.

4th Match: Mike Awesome vs Kevin Nash

Awesome puts Nash in a headlock but Nash gets out with a backdrop suplex for two. Nash puts Awesome in the corner and hits him with some elbows. Nash does a DX Chop allowing Mike to come back with an attempted German but Nash elbows out but he lays on the corner and Awesome hits him with a clothesline. Then he hits Nash with a clothesline from the top for two. Mike goes back up because I guess he can’t think of anything else to do and hits Nash with a frogsplash for two. Awesome goes for a powerbomb but Nash backdrops out and clotheslines Awesome to the outside. Nash goes out to and hits Awesome with some elbows. Awesome comes back with punches and throws Nash inside, he grabs a chair but Nash kicks the chair into Awesome and pins him for the win.

2.0/5.0 Match showed how limited Awesome is as he seemed to be running out of moves but I could be wrong, there’s not that much time left in the program and maybe they just had to rush through the match as it did seem rushed. Pretty decent match. [NFC: Awesome is anything but limited. Probably the best big-man of all time]

Filthy Animals are getting knocked out backstage but the camera never catches who’s doing it. We get a clip of last Monday when Shane attacked Bagwell and on Thunder. Bagwell was wrestling Bigelow but Shane hit him with a kendo stick from behind costing him the match.

5th Match: Buff Bagwell vs Scott “The Big Dump” Steiner

I have a feeling this match is going to really suck, it might be because I have special ESP powers or it might be because its Scott Steiner vs Buff fucking Bagwell! I did like Bagwell for a bit but then he became injured and then he came back only to get punked by Shane Douglas every week. Even though I think Bagwell’s decent I don’t think he can get a good match out of The Big Dump.

Bagwell starts flexing and Steiner’s probably pretty jealous because Bagwell’s big without looking fucking deformed and can get laid without hiring prostitutes. Steiner’s pretty pissed off about these facts and pummels Bagwell. Bagwell comes back by jumping over Steiner from the turnbuckle and hits some punches and a clothesline. Scott reverses a whip but runs into an elbow from Bagwell, who then hits a splash off the second rope from the turnbuckle for two. Scott jumps back up and sets up Bagwell in the Tree of Woe. He chokes him out in the corner but the Referee makes Scott break it up. Sick backdrop suplex by Steiner and he goes for the Steiner Recliner but Bagwell stands up and hits Steiner with an electric chair. Bagwell hits Steiner with the blockbuster but he kicks out, shit I actually thought Bagwell had it won there. Bagwell argues with the Referee giving Steiner time to get up and wins the match with a belly to belly suplex.

2.5/3.0 Kept it short which made it decent and the close falls made it a fun match.

Scott shakes Bagwell’s hand and then starts walking down the ramp when Shane Douglas runs into the ring and attacks Bagwell from behind. Scott runs in to make the save and Bagwell and Scott both pose together. Jarrett says he’s going to pummel those bitches in the four-way. As for the match, he says he’ll retain there too. Stacy Keibler comes out of David Flair’s lockerroom and Daffney’s spying on her.

Stacy comes out to the ring because God loves me. She says some shit but that’s not important because she starts dancing.Then Daffney runs in and attacks Stacy but Stacy kicks Daffney in the face with her heels. Daffney and Stacy start slapping and Daffney tackles Stacy but Stacy Keibler is God so she wins by pulling Daffney’s hair and then leaves. Stacy starts leaving but Daffney grabs a microphone and says she’s going to kick Stacy’s ass so bad that Stacy is going to have to go back to Hooters. Mark Madden steals the words out of my mouth, “Which hooters is it?”

Filthy Animals are trying to figure out who attacked them. Booker T attacks Kanyon at his book signing and hits him with a pretty stick chair shot followed by a scoop slam through the table. Some slutty chick with too much makeup tries interviewing my Beautiful and Beloved. Stacy makes the match at Bash at the Beach a Wedding Gown match and Stacy promises that she’s going to wear something sexy. I am so watching Bash at the Beach.

Disco Inferno thinks that Lance Storm is the one attacking the Filthy Animals and goes down to the ring. Inferno challenges Lance Storm to a match and says he’s stupid and Canadian. In most instances were the person isn’t named Chris Jericho they go hand in hand. Lance Storm runs in and does a dropkick and a suplex. Lance goes to the top but Disco crotches him and then hits him with a neckbreaker back on the mat for two. Russian legsweep for two. They do a really botched sequence were they do like four Irish whips without doing anything. Disco goes up but misses a splash and Lance hits a rana for two. Lance whips Disco into the corner and hits him with an elbow into a Northern Lights suplex for two. Lance runs into an elbow in the corner and Disco goes for a kind of RKO but Lance reverses into half crab for the win.

DUD Match sounds good in my play by play but no one sold anything and it was a complete spot fest with botches. No story, just a bunch of moves.

The Filthy Animals come down to the ring and start fucking up Lance Storm but Kidman comes down to the ring to make a save with a baseball bat. Beat the brat with a baseball bat, oh yeah, oh yeah! Did I make that reference last review? I can’t remember. [NFC: Yes]

Vampiro and that ’80s Rocker Dude start fighting and Vampiro tries to hang 80s Dude on a chain and Tony says, “This looks like a scene from Die Hard.” Tony just got cool points, that actually is a scene from Die Hard when John hangs the blonde dude on a chain. This match is just a bunch of punchy kicky shit so instead I’m just going to comment on how awesome the ’80s were, they were fucking awesome. You had Macho badasses everywhere, music that didn’t suck, and Todd McFarlane Spiderman comics. Anyway Vampiro wins the fight but then someone attacks Vampiro form behind and puts a Sting mask on him. I could not care less about this angle, I’m really fucking tired of Vampiro for that matter; his feuds are all the fucking same with him being mad at a dude for no fucking reason and then the feud goes on and on, and on.

Main Event: Fatal Four Way for World Heavyweight Title: Jeff Jarrett (C) vs Scott Steiner vs Kevin Nash vs Goldberg

Note: Mark and Tony mention that Ric Flair’s Dad died and give him a little “In Memoriam.” I don’t know anything about his Dad but I imagine he was awesome because he made Ric Flair.[NFC: Actually, Flair was a black market baby. Meaning he was stolen from a hospital, and sold on the black market. No joke. His dad did seem like a pretty cool guy from what I read in his book and Flair has said in documentaries] Nash doesn’t come out during his entrance we cut backstage to Goldberg and he’s attacked Nash backstage. Damn, this is some good booking. So they don’t give you a preview of Nash vs Goldberg which is smart and gives you even more reason to hate Goldberg, besides the entrance WCW’s doing everything right with Goldberg’s heel turn so far.

Scott and Jeff are alone in the ring and I don’t know if Goldberg’s going to come down to the ring. As soon as I write that Goldberg runs down to the ring and hits Scott with one punch and takes him down. Jeff’s ko’d on the outside from an onsalught from Steiner. Goldberg hits Steiner with a pressslam and hits goes for a spear but Steiner dodges and hits him with a belly to belly for 2 but Jeff grabs the Ref. The crowds really into Steiner here and is chanting Goldberg sucks. Jeff and Goldberg team up on Steiner, yeah Steiner’s fucked. The heels boot Steiner down. Snapmare into a cross armbreaker by Goldberg. Jarrett’s just taunting. This is just like a handicapped match on Smackdown vs Raw, actually this is exactly what would happen; my Cousin would taunt the whole time while I did everything. Of course the systems so stupid on that game you can get your finisher just from taunting. Steiner takes Goldberg out and hits Jeff with a powerbomb for two. Mike Awesome comes down to the ring and Scott starts brawling with him. Nash comes down to the ring and hits Jeff with a chokeslam. Awesome runs in and hits him with a powerbomb. Nash hits Goldberg with a big boot and goes for the powerbomb but Jeff breaks it up. Nash hits Jeff with a big boot and is going for a powerbomb but Goldberg hits Nash with his signature kick (the one that fucked up Bret) and Jeff pins Nash for the win.

The crowd is pissed and is throwing shit inside the ring. Goldberg pulls out the contract that he ate and throws in Nash’s face. Holy shit that was awesome.

3.5/5.0 That was just such a good assed main event style match with you not really knowing how things were going to turn out, really suspenseful and really good.

Final Thoughts: Another good show, if things keep going like this I’m actually going to be looking forward to these. Great build up of Nash/Goldberg, the only problem I really have with the show is besides Daffney/Stacy we didn’t do build up for any other matches. They were all mentioned but I could care less about Hogan/Jarrett. Jarrett is a decent wrestler but he’s just not charismatic, I only hate him because he always wins and he’s always cheating. You could replace Jarrett with anyone with a decent amount of wrestling ability and the results would pretty much be the same. Anyway, as for the show you had a pretty decent Goldberg/Duggan match, and three other really fast paced main event matches. Nothing super great but is pretty fun to watch and I think that this show is actually worth your time so if you can find it check it out.

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