Note from Caliber: Sebastian had an idea. He thinks we should go to a posting schedule. I can dig on that. So, starting today, every Monday you’ll get a new Nitro, with a PPV on the last Sunday of every month. Now, on the Monday that follows that PPV, there won’t be anything, and business will pick up as usual the Monday after.
Something that’s really bugging me about this Nitro on my torrent is the fact that the tape is making this really annoying crackling sound. I can’t stand it but I’m doing it for you people, so I’m not only suffering through this show but I’m suffering through a crackling sound too. Remember all that I’ve sacrificed for you people. I could be reading Brian Keene right now but instead I’m doing this, *sigh*.
Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo walk out to the ring together. I think these two are like, Scott Keith’s two favorite people. Eric stops his speech in the middle of it to jaw with some random lady in the crowd. There’s times to jaw with the fans but when you’re starting off a speech about fucking Goldberg turning heel isn’t the time to do it. Eric says that it really does make sense for Goldberg to turn heel and says the reason it makes sense for Goldberg to turn heel is because Goldberg’s tired of all the fans loving and glorifying him. I can connect here, it really does get tiresome, I mean yeah using people as footstools and having people feed you grapes is cool but c’mon guys, a guy gets tired of you doing everything for him. I mean that argument is so inane, “I was really tired of people loving me and giving me more money.” That’s like someone who stops using a computer because its too convenient or stops banging a hot chick because she’s too hot. Goldberg comes out and tells the people not to ask him why, and then says the reason he turned heel is because he didn’t have any reason not to. I said the same thing right before I ate dog poop (real story, the guy said he was going to give me a bunch of Airheads if I did it).
Nash comes out and just yells a bunch of profanity at Goldberg. Then he says some weird everything is fake but what’s happening what right now speech. He says that Goldberg has had everything given to him on a silver plate and that all the guys in back made Goldberg, not Bischoff. Nash tries to get to Goldberg but the security officers who come down with Goldberg jump Nash and handcuff him. Honestly that’s a good idea, the security guards never do anything and its a perfect way to use them now that Goldberg’s heel. I’m kind of hoping that Goldberg doesn’t do his normal fireworks posing thing when he comes out later because it would be so awesomely heelish. Vince says he wants good ratings so he sets up Nash/Goldberg for later tonight. I’m kind of curious as to how Goldberg is going to play heel.
Nash is being put in a police car backstage which makes no damn sense because he’s going to wrestle later tonight. Vince Russo is there and he’s talking shit to some little kid who ends up being Nash’s nephew. Scott Steiner runs at Russo but Russo escapes while the cops kind of half assed hold Scott back. We get a flashback to the Mamalukes beating Terry Funk for the Hardcore Title. I think they could be pretty entertaining, Terry Funk’s just a boring old dude who likes showing his ass.
1st Match: Vito(C) vs Terry Funk for the Hardcore Championship Backstage
Vito locked the other Mamalukes backstage because he wants the Hardcore championship. Funk jumps Vito backstage and locks him under a garage door. He hits him with a chair, a really buff security guard comes and unlocks the door only for the guard to eat a chairshot from Funk. Vito tries running away but Terry throws a bunch of random crap onto Vito and throws him into some water containers. Then Terry beats the shit out of Vito with the water containers. Those things fucking hurt. They fight up into the crowd, well its not really a crowd because half the seats are empty. Vito punches Funk and Funk falls off the bleacher thing that the crowd sits on and onto a table. Vito does some lame punchy kick stuff and brings him to the ramp right next to the ring. Vito pulls out a table but Funk hits a low blow. Terry sets up the table laying up on the outside of the ring and Vito throws Funk into it. Vito throws Funk into the ring and sets up the table outside. Vito goes in and DDT’s Funk. Vito hits Terry in the back with a chair and piledrives him through the table for the win.
2.5/5.0 Decent hardcore bout, kind of trashy but still kind of fun and fast paced.
Funk goes back in the ring and throws the title to Vito and gives him a handshake. Funk turns his back now and Vito hits him from behind with the title and then gives him the boots. Very effective as making Vito look like an evil badass.
Vampiro is talking to some hooded man in one of those dark rooms with steam coming from behind. Hooded dude tells Vampiro its not over and there’s more souls to be punished. Nash tells Scott to watch his nephew. I imagine that Scott’s going to have a three way with his sluts and when he’s done Jeff Jarrett will have captured the nephew and they’re going to use that to make Nash lose to Goldberg.
Shane Douglas comes out and says he has a new partner who’s been exiled from WCW for reasons that suck and his partner is….
BUFF THE MUTHAFUCKING STUFF BAGWELL!!!!!!!!
Bagwell says, get this, he’s buff AND he’s the stuff. Well its better than Jericho’s last return promo. He then calls out Kronik.
2nd Match: Shane Douglas and Buff “God” Bagwell vs Kronik
Kronik takes out Bagwell but Shane gives Bryan Adams an eyepoke. Bryan comes back with a presslam and tags in Clark. Clark throws Shane into the corner and gives him the boots. A couple nice chops and a whip into an elbow. Clarke goes for a pump handle slam but Buff comes into break it up. Shane hits a russian legsweep and then this really cool move were Clark’s laying down and he jumps down and like snaps it back. Bagwell cleans house but then Shane tags in. Kronik works over Shane and Buff runs in only to run into a full nelson slam. Kronik hit the double chokeslam which is their finisher for the win.
2.5/5.0 Decent and fast paced, this Nitro has been pretty watchable so far.
Buff and Shane start jawing and Shane has knucks on for some reason. I guess he put them on in the match but the camera guy never caught it. Bagwell starts walking away but Shane hits him from behind with the knucks and lays the boots to him. Eh, that was too similar to what just happened at the end of the last match but it could be a good angle.
Ernest Miller is backstage and is waiting for Hulk Hogan. Mean Gene talks to Billy Kidman and tells him that Hogan’s going to wrestle Jarrett, the champion, for the title. Kidman says that their going to need a special referee for that match. Um, no they won’t, there’s plenty of regular referees.
MIA come out minus Booker T. Hugh Morrus is mad because at a press conference Prince Iaukea pushed around Hugh Morris’s grandpa because he was under Sharmell, his valet, eating pie. Literally, eating pie. Sharmell and Iaukea come out, make the challenge of Lt. Loco vs Iaukea, and Loco accepts.
3rd Match: Loco (Chavo Gurrero)(C) vs Iaukea for the Crusierweight Championship
Chavo gets a small package for two. Iaukea comes back with a low blow. Chavo comes back and sets up Iaukea in the corner with his legs open. He brings in the chick and the chick takes off her shirt because it’s WCW in 2000. Sharmell comes into the ring to break it up so the chick, Major Gunns, kicks her between the legs and Chavo Gurrero hits a DDT for the win.
DUD Wasn’t bad but it wasn’t really a match either. Also morally Iaukea’s right here, this old dude is stalking this poor woman for no reason, by sticking up for his woman he’s doing the right thing.
Backstage four chicks come up to Goldberg but as we all know Bill isn’t into chicks and orders Russo to get them out of the room. Cut to Hulk Hogan arriving at the arena. Ernest Miller tells Hogan he’s got the title shot in ten minutes. Hogan accepts and then Jeff hits Hogan over the head with a guitar. Like three feet away Horace Hogan is broken through a table and ko’d, which is important because he was supposed to be the special referee for the match between Hogan and Jarrett tonight. This is actually pretty good booking, they’re making new important advancements with each scene with having cohesion, good booking so far.
Russo tells David that he’s proud of his performance against Flair last night. Yeah, you seem to be the only one. Russo says he’s tired of being everyone’s punching bag. Russo talks about how buff he is, yes he seems to have the same arms I did when I was fourteen. Which means he’s way bigger than Punk. Russo tells Flair that he’s going to fuck him up so Flair comes out to the ring in the lamest shirt ever. Its exactly what you’d expect an old person (or MacGyver) to wear, it has a bunch of leafs on it and its blue. Flair, stays on the ramp, and then talks about how he’s in his home town, how he won at the show last night, and how Russo isn’t space mountain. Flair tries to get David to come home with him but David doesn’t leave the ring. Flair says he’ll wrestle Russo if Russo retires if he loses, he gets his head shaved, David comes back with him, and Flair becomes the new co-boss with Eric Bischoff. Also if Flair loses Flair retires. Russo asks if he’s just going to get a little trim and Flair says he’s going to shave his hair and his ass. Madden asks if they can save that for Pay Per View. Russo asks if it can be a handicapped match and Flair says he’s going to go get Reed to make it a tag match. Coming up, Hogan vs Jarrett.
Billy Kidman comes out as the special referee. This show really is keeping me interest, I want to see if Hogan can overcome the odds and I also want to see how Nash vs Goldberg is going to end up. It might be that shows decent or it might be the like eight Cherry Pepsi’s I just had, who knows?
4th Match: Jeff Jarrett (C) vs Hulk Hogan for the World Heavyweight Championship with Billy Kidman as Special Referee
Jeff Jarrett makes it to the ring first and tells Kidman to start counting Hogan out. Before Kidman can start Hogan comes out to the ramp. Punches from Hogan to start and a clothesline. Hogan with more punches in bunches. Hogan chokes Kidman with his bandanna in the corner. Whip to the other corner and clothesline by Hogan. Hogan chokes him out in the corner followed up by punches in bunches. Hogan throws Jeff to the outside and whips Jeff with his belt. Hogan chokes Jeff with it and rams Jeff into the ramp. More choking by Hogan followed by, get this, more punches. Hogan rams Jeff into the steps and whips Jeff with his belt. Hos is Kidman not giving Hogan shit for using his belt? Jeff rolls inside and lays the boots to Hogan as Hogan tries to get in. Jeff hits Hogan with, holy shit, punches! Then Jeff follows that up with more punches! Hogan, the ever changing genuis comes back with punches! He clotheslines Jeff to the outside and tries to whip him into the ramp but Jeff reverses and hits Hulk with a chair which Kidman lets him use. for a little bit but then he grabs the chair and throws it to Hogan. Wait, what the fuck? Well, SWERVE I guess. Wasn’t expecting that. Hogan hits Jeff with the chair and brings him inside for punches! Hogan hits a boot and a legdrop. He has the match won but Goldberg runs in and breaks up the pin. Goldberg sets up for the spear but Kidman moves in the way of Hogan taking the spear. Goldberg throws Kidman to the outside like a doll and then spears Hogan. Russo walks up to the ring and gives Jeff a table. Goldberg jackhammers Hogan through the table! Holy shit, now that’s how you turn someone heel, make them fuck up Hogan! The fans are actually booing Goldberg now. Booker T runs out to the ring which leads Goldberg to leave. Well that was fucking awesome!
DUD for the match, five stars for the angle. Really entertaining, even the match which was more of angle than anything else as most of the match comprised of punches.
You know Nirvana really does suck but that beat for Smells Like Teen Spirit is pretty cool, I need to find an instrumental for it somewhere. Page comes out and talks about how a bunch of people told him that he would never become a wrestler or become a champion. Page says that Bischoff only half believed in him when they traveled together. Eric comes out with Kimberly and Chris Kanyon. Page talks about how him and Kimberly used to be best friends. Eric fake cries on the ramp, its kind of awesome. Page says that he taught Kanyon and says that its not how many times you get knocked down but how many times you get back up. He then says this business has cost him his health and his wife; he then just leaves through the crowd. Mark Madden says that Page is saying take this job and shove it. This then prompts me to play the Dead Kennedy’s song “Take This Job and Shove It.” John doesn’t like the Dead Kennedy’s or any punk for that matter but as we all know my opinion is the only one that matters.
Vampiro walks out to the ring and talks about how he set Sting on fire. John’s review of that match makes it sound so bad I want to watch it. Kind of like Undertaker vs Yokozuna bad.
5th Match: Vampiro vs Demon
Demon hits a strong clothesline flipping Vampiro and then clotheslines him outside the ring. Demon walks out there and hits some punches but Vampiro comes back with an eyepoke and, and whips Demon into the guardrail. Chops by Vampiro and Vampiro brings Demon up the guardrail and rams him into the grate at the top of the stage that holds up the giant screen. Vampiro sets Demon up and Vampiro walks up the ramp. Pyro goes off and Vampiro comes down with a double axehandle fifteen feet in the air. Shit! Vampiro looks like he really hurt his knee on that. The Referee calls the match.
1.0/5.0 What was there was pretty cool, I mean these guys just kind of killed each other for about two minutes.
Scott Steiner tells this chick with giant boobies to watch over Nash’s nephew while he goes out for his match.
Chirs Kanyon walks out to the ring with hot ass Kimberly to Page’s music. Kimberly says she’s really broken up over Page leaving, and then she says she’s over it because Eric gave her her own licensed product. Its perfume, only $399.99 and then you can, “Save your beer money, spary it on your woman, and pretend its Kimberly.” Kimberly really does have good mic. skills and she’s hot. Her segments are pretty entertaining and she’s a better speaker than Kanyon is by far. Kanyon says these people are stupid for beveling he’s injured and then plugs his new “book,” Postively Kanyon. I can’t imagine its any worse than The Rock’s book. Kanyon issues an open challenge to anyone backstage so he can use his new move, the Diamond Cutter. Scott comes out which we already kind of knew because of that cut scene five minutes ago. Jeez, Scott Steiner’s like too big. Scott walks out to the ring with some hoe and says that Kanyon acts like its a big deal that he walks out to the ring with Page’s wife, well who hasn’t been with her? I actually found that line quite amusing, its even better because Scott’s with a chick who looks way more used than Kimberly.
6th Match: Chris Kanyon vs Scott Steiner
Kanyon hits the Referee with a Diamond Cutter and Scott kills Kanyon but no Referee, than shit gets really overbooked. Kimberly comes back with Mike Awesome. Kanyon and Awesome team up on Steiner but then Kronik come out to make the save and clean house. The heels run through the crowd and Kronik runs after them. Stacy Kiebler comes out through the crowd because she’s STACY KIEBLER!!!! I don’t care if I have to Google her last name to spell it correctly damn it! Stacy brings Kimberly into the ring but Kimberly hits Stacy with her perfume and rams her into the corner. Kimberly than stomps on Stacy’s glasses because she’s the best heel on this show and is super hot, and awesome.
DUD But you, you already knew that.
Flair’s walking around with his younger son. Cut to Scott Steiner in the middle of an interview and he realizes that Nash’s nephew is missing. Oh snaps, my prediction is coming true.
7th Match: Flair and Reed, his younger son vs David Flair and Russo
Flair chops Russo and Russo no sells like Hogan which I find really fucking funny. Flair just hits him in the face and tears off Russo’s shirt revealing what seems to be body armor. Flair takes it off and chops Russo twice. David run in… to a backdrop! Ric hits David with suplex into a Figure Four. Russo runs in with a baseball bat and hits Ric with it, yeah hit the brat with the baseball bat, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, hit the brat with a baseball bat. Someone better get that reference. Anyway Reed tries to stop Flair’s beating but David holds him in the corner. Russo brings Flair’s wife into the ring and tells her to hit Flair with this Statue of Liberty mini Statuette. She doesn’t do it so Russo hits Flair with it and kicks him a couple of times. David puts Ric in the Figure Four. Ric’s daughter throws a towel in ending the match I guess. This means that Flair’s career is “over.” Russo and David shave Flair’s head and the commentators freak the fuck out about it, he can grow his hair back guys, jeez. They only shave half his head though so he looks fucking horrible, he looks like a fucking Goblin off of that Tom Cruise fantasy movie with unicorns made in the 80s. Jesus, that movie is bad. It doesn’t make any fucking sense, how did that water turn to ice when Cruise was under there? And why did it take the Goblins so long to kill some Unicorns? And why didn’t the Unicorns protect themselves, they’re fucking magic!
Main Event: Nash vs Goldberg
The New Blood come out to the ramp for Goldberg and sweet, he doesn’t do the pyro or any poses, or anything. That’s really smart. Nash and Goldberg trade punches. I like that they didn’t make Goldberg a pussy when he turned heel like they did with Austin. Goldberg really should be kept a badass, don’t fall into Southern ideology about how wrestling “should” work. Nash boots Goldberg to the outside. Goldberg runs back inside and hits his own big boot. This feels like one of those matches you have when you’re Kane wrestling another powerhouse on Smackdown vs Raw 2006. Goldberg chokes Nash in the corner and hits him with a punch to the gut. For some reason Nash is wrestling in a jersey and jeans. Goldberg tries to tear it off but Nash throws Goldberg into the corner. The Filthy Animals or the New Blood try to run in but Nash boots them all out. Goldberg gets a chair though and hits Nash over the head with it. Goldberg takes off his glove and pummels Nash. Nash’s nephew comes down to the ring and is watching Goldberg fuck up Nash. Russo comes out and forces his nephew to watch. Scott Steiner runs down to the ring and kills the New blood. Scott’s about to jump in the ring to attack Goldberg but the police/security guards attack Steiner. Damn, this is some good heel booking. Goldberg’s a super badass and a super heel at the same time. I want Steiner to fuck him up but at the same time I’m not sure he could.
Final thoughts: No really great matches but this show was actually really fun. For the first time since reviewing I can say I really enjoyed the show, booking was solid. I’d actually recommend this as its a fun, fast show that zooms by quickly. Fuck yeah, John’s getting the next show and its probably going to suck, ha suck it Caliber! [Note from Caliber: Go to hell]