You guys should not be getting one update a month. That is unacceptable. It’s my fault. I’ve been working on other pieces of writing, and it’s tough to go from doing something you like to watching Great American Bash 2000. But you know what? You guys want’em, and that’s reason enough for me to quit slacking like a bitch.
We start off with live shots of Baltimore cops waiting for Goldberg. They give us a run-down of the PPV, or at least the main events. Caliber is sad.
Chavo Guerrero vs. Disco Inferno – Crusierweight Championship
The MIA come out, prompting Chavo to pull out a grenade and say he’ll kill whoever interferes in his match. Madden refers to Tygress as Mysterio’s Main Trim, prompting me to wonder why he never started his own sex hotline. An old guy, sort of looking like Doc from Back to the Future, just wonders the hell on out. He gets knocked out, which is cause of great concern for the ref, which allows Juvi to nail Chavo with an inverted DDT. But then Lash runs in to hit Disco with a Side-Russian Leg-Sweep. Honestly, if they’d given this match actual time, and not dedicated it to a ton of weird shit, it could have been great. As it is, it isn’t.
Disco eats the pin after Lash’s interference at 4:57 | *
Old guy is out until Major Gunns [who has porn videos out there, to my surprise] gives him mouth to mouth, at which point he’s back. With a boner. Yup, this sort of shit went on in WWE as well and I hated it then too. What really pisses me off is that if I had a cable bill receipt I could have mailed it in to get a free Hulk Hogan water raft. Instead, I just get to watch this PPV and receive no rockin’ aquatic promotional material.
The Mamalukes vs. Kronik – WCW Tag-Team Championship #1 Contendership
This match actually had some promise, but again it was cut way too short. What we saw was fluid and hard hitting. Mamalukes actually held themselves pretty well against Kronik, but they decided to forgo the whole tag-team deal to instead focus on the Mamalukes eventual break-up.
Johnny the Bull gets the double choke-slam and then pinned at 9:20 | **
Mike Awesome vs. DDP – Ambulance Match
DDP comes out with Kanyon in a wheel chair and a halo. They’re best friends, and he’s obviously injured, so there’s NO WAY he could turn on DDP. No way. Awesome beats the hell outta DDP, further showing that he needs to act like he’s from the 1970s. DDP hits a sweet Diamond Cutter on Awesome and throws him on the stretcher. Bischoff comes out and looks to nail Kanyon with a chair, but DDP makes the save. Suddenly, and might I add, shockingly, Kanyon is fine, turning on DDP and giving him a Diamond Cutter off the stage. This is the third match that had a lot of promise, if it only had more time and less bullshit, it could have been great. Awesome was a damn fine worker in his day.
Awesome wheels DDP in the ambulance at 9:41 | **
GI Bro vs. Shawn Stasiak – Boot Camp Match
The rules for a BCM is that of a Last Man Standing match. It’s pretty basic, and had Booker been with someone better, or they packed in the gimmicks, they could have had a damn fine match on their hands. As it stands, it’s probably the PPVs Match of the Night. The only real complaint I have is that the WCW count is honestly double time of any normal LMS match. That’s fine when the end isn’t near, but when the finish creeps up it really takes the drama out of it
Stasiak eats a Lex Flexer and is unable to answer the count of 10 at 13:58 | **
Shane Douglas vs. The Wall – Best out of 5 Tables Match
It takes the announcing team half-way through the match before they figure out that someone will have to put the other through three tables if they want to win. The Wall puts Douglas through two in a row, via a chokeslam and a basic throw. They battle to the back, and Wall wins the Sting Award for Dumbest Babyface of the Night when he climbs up a ladder to meet Douglas, when there’s three stacked tables behind him. Of course, he eventually falls off the ladder through ’em. Not a bad match, all things considered.
Wall falls through a stack of 3 tables, giving Douglas the win at 8:12 | **3/4
Wall gets up and chokeslams the ref through a table.
Tank Abbot & Rick Steiner vs. Scott Steiner – Asylum Match
For those that don’t remember this from Nitro, it’s like they took the WWE’s Lion’s Den and put it in the ring. Right as the match begins, an announcement is made that Rick has been added to the match by Bischoff and Russo in order to make things even. They beat down Scott for a while, and then Tank wants to wrap a chain around his fist and club Scott. Rick says he doesn’t need that, to which Tank says OK, instead punching Rick with the chain. Scott takes this moment to slap Tank in the Recliner, and it’s over.
Tank taps out to the Steiner Recliner at 3:56 | DUD
Backstage, Mean Gene interviews Hogan, and tries to make it seem like Hogan’s career is in jeopardy at the hands of the towering, menacing, super-scary Billy Kidman. Seriously, Hulk Hogan is supposed to be afraid of the guy who could play the lead in the movie adaptation of the NES game Paperboy? No.
Billy Kidman vs. Hulk Hogan – Hogan’s career vs. Hogan getting a title shot at Bash at the Beach
An extremely basic Hogan match, by the numbers. Torrie turns on Kidman, and Kidman knocks out Horace, as it turns out Horace has always been with the Hulkster. Seriously, this PPV is gonna have like 6 or 7 turns by the time the night is over.
Kidman is pinned after Hogan hits him while wearing brass knuckles at 11:39 | *
David Flair vs. Ric Flair
Man, David Flair is so terrible that Ric has to wrestle at half-speed for David to be able to keep up, it’s pathetic. Then Russo handcuffs Ric, but uses a pair of cuffs that have a chain that’s about 6 feet long, so it’s more of a useful weapon than a restraint. This is one of the worst matches I’ve seen in a good long while.
David Flair taps out to the Figure 4 at 10:16 | -***
Vampiro vs. Sting – Human Torch Match
This feud has been going on for what seems like 3 years, with Sting beating the holy hell out of Vampiro at every turn. I really, REALLY don’t want to watch this match. Sting comes out, wearing a T-shirt. These days, that’s not unusual, what with Sting developing an allergy to the gym as he got older. But then? You’d think that they later plan on switching him out with a stunt double, but there’s no way that’s possible. They brawl in the ring for about 2 minutes, then fight their way up to the top of the big screen, which is about 30 feet or so in the air. Once there, the arena starts flashing like they’re wrestling in a thunderstorm. Geez, you’d think they were doing this to hide a stunt double switch or something. Then Sting disappears for a few moments and reappears, clearly it’s him, as he’s set a blaze and plunges from the top of the screen, crashing through the floor. It’s such a disrespectful, pointless and insulting stunt. The announcers become serious, they use his real name, and talk about his family. It’s so WCW at this point, and so disgusting.
“Sting” is set on fire, giving Vampiro the win at 7:23 | -*****
Kevin Nash vs. Jeff Jarrett [C] – WCW World Title
The Cat comes out and announces that The Filthy Animals are filling positions such as announcer and time keeper. There’s a half decent match between Jeff and Kevin that involved interference between six different people, one of which was Rick Steiner, who appeared to turn face about an hour ago, and now all of a sudden he’s back? Goldberg finally comes out and turns on Nash. A move that Russo said would change the wrestling landscape. The crowd didn’t even react. It happened and they didn’t make a sound. It wasn’t one of those “Argh!! I’m so mad!” kinda turns, it was one of those “Really? Now all I’ve left to cheer is Nash, Hogan, and Flair who only wrestles his son or Russo?” Goldberg’s amazing reason for turning heel was because people booed him. But that only happened when he turned heel. So, he turned heel because he turned heel. Beautiful. That’s the problem with Russo’s completely inane way of thinking. There’s a good amount of time where wrestling fans want what’s obvious, and want to cheer an ass-kicker who’s gonna demolish everyone. We also don’t want the company we’re watching to break the record for most consecutive main events to have interference.
Goldberg spears Kevin Nash to give Double J the pin at 17:22 | *1/2
Showcase Showdown: Honestly, at the beginning of the PPV I was hopeful. None of the matches were classics, but they were damn good for a WCW 2000 PPV. Of course, one has to realize that for there to be true misery, people must be given hope, false hope. The last half of the PPV is just God-awful from either a point of match or booking quality, or both. This show was classic Russo, as he was truly getting into his groove. Goldberg had been gone 6 months, and people were still chomping at the bit to see him squash people, so let’s turn him heel for absolutely no reason. Oh well, he’ll be babyface again real soon, and we’ll get Russo telling him he has to win 176 matches in a row if he ever wants a title shot, all while he sits in the Russo-Mobile.