The commentators hype the fact that Goldberg is back and that him and Tank are going to confront each other tonight. We get a shot of Tank Abbot getting out of his car. The build up has done a great job of making me want Goldberg to just kill Tank, while the build up also made Tank look like a legitimate competitor that can hang with the big guys. [Notes From Caliber: I agree, completely]
Eric and Russo come out with R and B security. Eric talks about the audience and tells them that he loves them. I’d love an audience dedicated enough to sit through this droll if I was producing it too, that’s why when I read I only read my own work, because I love myself and no one can hold up to my high standards, except for me. Eric announces matches for tonight, Scott Steiner vs Vampiro, Nash is going through a New Blood Gauntlet and if he loses tonight he loses his shot at the Great American Bash for the World title, and he loses the shot if anyone interferes. Eric says to make it even Jeff Jarrett is going to wrestle Sting. I imagine something screwy is going to happen in the main event. Vince Russo starts talking about how how much WCW sucks compared to WWF. Then he calls the fans horn-yankers…. what the fuck does that mean? Is that a New York thing? [NFC: No, it’s a Russo thing. Which means only he knows what on Earth it’s referring too, and it sucks]
Russo also says he’s gonna fuck up John Rocker because Rocker talked shit about New York. Russo mentions a cage and talks about how he’s going to drop Flair off the top of it. I think that means Russo vs Flair tonight. Eric announces that he’s going to wrestle Terry Funk for the Hardcore Title. Wow, there is absolutely nothing on this show that grabs my interest. Eric directs his attention to Goldberg and tells Goldberg to go home because they interrupted their business with Nash and if Goldberg interferes again Eric will suspend him. Russo grabs the microphone… jeez this segment just won’t end. Russo calls Goldberg a punk and tells him to suck it. Goldberg comes out to the ring and something I notice is that he’s not really that big here. His arms are still big but he’s not Rock big. Goldberg takes out three members of R and B Security but Russo and Eric leave. A bunch of other security members come out but they’re too scared to get in the ring with Goldberg. Well that was…. anti-climatic. We wait for Goldberg to come back for months and the payoff is for him to beat up some random security guards. I imagine they did this to try and get a ratings booster above Raw and grip people’s attention so they’ll watch it when it comes back from commercial. Basically they’re MTVising here, made for people with short attention spans, all style, no substance.
1st Match: Shawn Stasiak and Chuck Palumbo vs Kronik
Clarke hits Shawn with a pumphandle slam. Adam throws out Chuck. Heels are regrouping inside the ring. Ernest Miller comes out. Adams takes a superkick from Shawn and then a neckbreaker. Chuck Palumbo gets tagged in and comes off the top with a flying shoulderblock for two as Clarke breaks it up. Shawn gets tagged in and hits Adams a couple times an does a jumping European Uppercut. Crossbody by Shawn to Adams for two. Adams reverses a whip and hits Shawn with a sidewalk slam. Adams gets a tag to Clarke. Kronik cleans house and then everyones fighting on the outside. Ernest Miller walks to the ring and tells the Referee to count the men out of the ring. The Referee doesn’t want to comply so the Cat puts the Referee in a Cobra Clutch and forces this Referee to do the slowest fucking count ever. Adams throws Shawn back in and Cat tells the bell ringer to ring the bell because Kronik was counted out. Kronik is pissed off and beats up The Cat, Shawn, and Chuck.
1.0/5.0 Too short to be anything but what was there wasn’t actually bad.
Billy Kidman argues with Torrie, something I notice is she has big breasts. Some chick walks in and he tells her she’s a dumb bitch. I’m sure she meant it in a nice way. The Misfits are backstage and Booker T comes in wearing body armor. That chick from earlier tells the Misfits which composes of Booker T, Chavo Gurrerro, some dude who looks like he did too much cocaine in the 80s, some fat dude, and that dude who pretends to be Chris Jericho, anyway she tells them that Kidman yelled at her so Booker T challenges him to a match.
2nd Match: Booker T vs Billy Kidman
Really fast paced, Kidman hits a bulldog off the ropes. Booker T with a pressslam and a scissors kick followd by a spinarooinie. Ten punch in the corner and then he opens up Kidman’s legs open. Major Guns, the chick from earlier goes to kick Kidman in the balls but Torrie stops it from happening. Torrie hits Kidman in the balls but he doesn’t sell it, Madden says he was wearing a cup. Book End ends it.
DUD A bunch of fast paced moves which would’ve been fine if the match wasn’t like three minutes.
Filthy Animals takes out The Misfits after the match.
3rd Match: Terry Funk(C) vs Eric Bischoff for the Hardcore Championship
Ernest Miller accompanies Eric to the ring and does a kind of RVD kick to Terry’s face with the chairs. Eric gets too taunty though giving Terry a chance to recuperate. Terry takes out The Cat with a trashcan and then hits Eric. Cat brings Eric backstage but Terry follows them.
Stacy fucking Keibler comes out and starts dancing because God loves me. Kimberly comes to the ring with Mike Awesome and says that Stacy is trying to steal her spotlight, and that she’s doing a bad job of it. Kimberly says that the secretary stripper look went out in 93 and then hits Stacy with her clipboard.I’m trying to think of something clever to say but the only thing I can think of is early 90s lesbian porn were all the chicks weigh like twenty pounds and there’s really bad music on the whole time. Kimberly starts to leave and Stacy calls Kimberly fat even though she probably weighs about 110 lbs. Kimberly says she’s going to give Stacy a “fat lip” later. Sweet. Terry Funk brings Eric back to to the ring in a wheelbarrow. Terry pulls down his tights because he’s going to stick his ass in Eric’s face. I imagine that creative thought that if it worked for Rikishi it could work for Terry too.
The Mamalukes stop it from happening and hits Terry with a chair, then hit him with an elbowdrop off the top onto the chair. Then they beat him up a little more, I’ll let you people imagine it. You know I got shit from Kyle Fitta for not being specific enough in my reviews, yeah okay, because people need to know every fucking move when there’s a two to one beating going on. Then again Kyles columns now are just random lazily made observations that you don’t exactly need to be Neitzchue to write, “WWE’s boring now because Triple H isn’t doing something.” This is the same idiot who thinks Hulk Hogan is the best wrestler ever because he drew the most, that’s like saying Lady Gaga is one of the best musicians of our time because a lot of people listen to it or that Harry Potter is the best series ever. None of those things are true and anyone who thinks that somethings better based on popularity is a fucking moron. That’s called not having subjective taste, if that’s the case whatever other people find funny you should find funny too even if you don’t or Paranormal Activity has to be perceived to be a scary movie by you because other people perceive it to be a scary movie. Anyway, after a beat down Eric pins Terry for the title. Doesn’t need a rating because it was two segments rather than an cohesive match.
4th Match: Scott Steiner vs Vampiro (Came to the ring with gasoline and a blow torch)
Scott brings Vampiro into the corner and hits him with some punches. Hits him with a throw over slam, then a press slam. Whip by Scott but he runs into a boot from Vampiro. Vampiro hits some karate kicks. Scott reverses a whip into a clothesline and then an elbowdrop. Scott doesn’t go for the cover and instead trhwos Vampiro to the outside.Scott hits Vampiro with a chair around the outside of the ring. He brings him over to the Commentators table and tries to break him through the table. The table doesn’t break and Vampiro doesn’t really sell it so I think that was a botch and Vampiro got legitimately hurt. I’ve heard that when the table doesn’t break it actually hurts more. They fight back inside and Vampiro comes off the top with a legdrop. Vampiro goes for a blow torch and hits Scott with it but one of Scott’s hoes hits Vampiro with a crossbody. I think Vampiro may have AIDS now. Vampiro brings the woman to the ramp and starts putting gasoline on the ground but before he can continue Sting comes out from backstage and hits Vampiro with his bat to the head. He throws Vampiro into the ring and Scott hits the recliner to end it.
1.5/5.0 Nothing memorable, just acceptable.
Russo And Bischoff Security come out but Sting and Scott clean house.
5th Match: Tank Abbot vs Goldberg
Fans are behind Goldberg. Goldberg hits Tank with a superkick. Float over suplex. Rick Steiner comes out and hits Goldberg with a chair. Tank tries to pin him with his foot on his chest but Goldberg kicks out. Well if you had actually tried to pin him asshole you might’ve gotten the victory. Kevin Nash comes out to the ring through the audience so the heels don’t see him. Nash grabs Rick and brings him to the outside of the ring. Goldberg hits Tank with a Jackhammer for the win.
DUD However, the angle was pretty good but I’m not an idiot so I don’t give star ratings because the match happened to have a good build up.
Kimberly says she’s gonna fuck up Stacy. Its gonna be a slobberknocker folks.
6th Match: Jeff Jarrett vs Sting
Jeff attacks Sting while his entrance is still going on. Whip by Jeff but he runs into hotshot by Sting into the ropes. Sting misses a Stinger splash but comes back with a set of clotheslines. Jeff goes for a rana but Sting hits him with a powerbomb. Sting goes for a Scorpion Deathlock but Jeff throws him out of the ring to the ramp walkway. Jeff hits Sting with a chair. Jeff works over Sting’s abdominal region with the chair. Sting hits Jeff with a clothesline that sends Jeff back in. Sting goes for a sunset flip but Jeff holds on with the ropes but the Referee kicks his hands way allowing Sting to get a sunset flip for the win. That’s old school 80s WCW stuff were Teddy Long would kick away the heels hand when they were trying to stop a sunset flip. I don’t think anyone ever won with it though. Sting grabs the title but Eric comes out and says the match never was for the title. Sting’s pissed off and tells Eric that Jeff’s going to go into Great American Bash in a bodybag. He hits Jeff with a Scorpion Deathlock on the ramp and then hits Jeff with his guitar knocking him out.
1.0/5.0 Match was short but the ending was actually pretty surprising.
Backstage we have Eric yelling at the paramedics, “He’s the champion of the world, be careful with him damn it!”
Mike Awesome comes out to the ring and tells Page that he’s going to end his career at Great American Bash. As we all know, this didn’t happen as The Undertaker ended up doing that. Kimberly comes out, then Stacy. Stacy’s going to wrestle in her secretary costume. Sweet. Stacy makes Kimberly sign a contract and Stacy says its so she can’t be held legally responsibly for the match. DDP comes out as Stacy’s partner and Kimberly mentions that she has a restraining order against Page. Page tells her she just signed her restraining order away.
7th Match: Diamond Dallas Page and Stacy Keibler vs Kimberly and Mike Awesome
Stacy and Kimberly start pulling on each other and Stacy throws Kimberly around by her hair. Stacy tries to post Kimberly but Awesome stops her. Stacy slaps him and he runs after her but she tags in Page. Page goes for a roll up and gets two. Clothesline for two. Page goes for a Diamond Cutter but Mike hits a low blow and then a German Suplex. Mike sets up Page in the corner and hits him with a clothesline. Mike chokes Page. Page gets back up and punches away at Awesome. Awesome reverses a whip and hits a clothesline. Splash and Awesome goes to the outside. Awesome sets up a table on the outside of the ring and then hits Page with a frogsplash off the top for two. Awesome is about to hit Page with something but Stacy undoes a button on her dress thing and he gets distracted by her thighs giving Page a chance to hit Mike with the Diamond Cutter for the win
2.0/5.0 Pretty decent heat thing here, made Mike Awesome look really good but it kind of made Page look like bitch. The only way he could beat Awesome was through a distraction.
Eric Bischoff is saying Hogan isn’t coming out here tonight because he’s not going to wrestle Horace Hogan. Hogan comes out but he does it in his Hollywood gear with the NWO music. Hulk tells them to lower the cage.
8th Match: Hollywood Hulk hogan vs Horace Hogan: Cage Match
Hulk with punches in bunches and scraping across the back. Whip by Hogan and a clothesline. Hogan whips Horace with his belt and then chokes Horace. More punching. Horace rolls to the outside and Hogan rams him into the cage. Hulk grabs a chair but Horace hits him with a boot. Horace hits Hogan with the chair in the back. He misses a chairshot into the steps. Hogan comes back with, get this, more punches. Back in the ring, Hogan with more chairshots and whips Horace into the chair. Hogan actually does a pretty cool spot after that were he puts the chair on Horace’s face and then hits a legdrop for the win.
DUD Yeah, Hogan is the best wrestler ever my dick. Also why was this a cage match? They didn’t use the cage except for Hogan throwing Horace into it once.
Kidman comes in after the match is over and tries to attack Hogan but he just throws Kidman through the table that was set up last match by Mike Awesome.
Ric Flair(who can be considered to be the best wrestler ever unlike Hogan’s anyone can do what he does bullshit) is having an absolutely crazy promo backstage that’s actually getting me excited, which is more than I can speak for most of the show.
9th Match: Vince Russo vs Ric Flair w/ His Wife and Son: Cage Match
Doesn’t having two matches in the cage kind of make it less special? I have to admit, Flair looks pretty sexy for his age. Vince hits a shoulderblock and starts taunting him, Flair brings Vince into the corner but Vince hits him with a lowblow.Flair comes back with chops into the corner and takes off Vince’s shirt. Backdrop suplex. Kneedrop to Russo. I have to hand it to him, Russo’s taking some pretty stiff stuff in this match. Russo rolls to the outside were Flair throws him into the cage. Chop to Russo. Flair throws him into the cage again. Another chops and then some punches. Vince is pleading with Flair so Flair does what any man does when another man pleads with him, throws him into a steel cage. David Flair goes into the ring, I don’t know how, the cage door was supposed to be locked and no one explains it. Flair hits David with a backdrop. They go to the outside and Flair whips David into the cage. Russo tries to get out but Flair’s younger son bites his hand.
Russo sets a ladder up in the ring for some reason. Russo takes out a trap door that’s set up in the cage. Flair tries to get to Russo but Russo keeps on kicking and punching Flair keeping him off. They both go to the top of the cage. Flair signals that he’s going to throw Russo off. Russo eyepokes Flair and tries to get off the top so Flair stomps Russo’s fingers and Russo drops a pretty far distance. Flair hits Russo with the Figure Four. Damn, Russo’s pretty badass, he’s taken a lot of sick spots in this match. Russo is in the hold for a really long time and won’t tap. That’s stupid, Russo should’ve tapped, that makes Russo, by kayfabe, tougher than a lot of other wrestlers who actually have tapped in the Figure Four. Anyway, a bunch of blood falls on Flair and David puts Ric in the Figure Four as Vince pins him for the win. Well that was pretty unexpected too. More of an angle than a match as Flair just killed him the whole time but that was actually a pretty cool way to put Russo over Flair, I just figured David would’ve cost Ric the match but they actually did something unpredictable.
Main Event: Kevin Nash in a New Blood Gauntlet
Vince Russo comes out with the New Blood. Russo reexplains the rules that if Nash loses he’ll lose his title show and if the Millionaires Club interferes he’ll lose his title shot.
Nash takes out Disco Inferno faster than he did Bob Backlund. I guess the rules are you don’t actually need to pin them, they just need to have their shoulders on the ground. He takes out a five people including Rey Mysterio with a big boot. The rest of New Blood decide to just team up on Nash. Goldberg comes out and they take out the New Blood together. Another exciting, unpredictable twist. Sweet. Eric comes out and says that on Thunder he’s going to suspend Goldberg. Goldberg tells Eric that if he suspends him Eric’s next.
Final thoughts: The majority of the show was quite dull with sub-standard wrestling. Storyline wise the show was actually pretty good, a lot of twists I didn’t see coming and you can tell that WCW was trying to up their game for Raw. Not a good show, but its not as terrible as what I’ve come to expect from 2000 Nitro and at least here you can tell they put some effort into it. Also Russo took some stiff moves so if you hate Russo you might want to watch that match.