The last few weeks I’ve been moving to a new apartment, and as per usual it’s been the event from hell. I’d seriously rather tell Russo he’s a great booker than ever move again. No. No I take that back.
We get a recap of Thunder. Steiner and Nash, in ski goggles, demand a title shot. Nash gets it, and defeats Jarrett for the title. Of course, the highlight is seeing a row of R&B Security on each side of the ramp, Steiner running out with his arms outstretched and clotheslining them in a row. I’m surprised he didn’t just stretch his arms out and spin in a circle.
Live from Salt Lake City, Utah
Kevin Nash comes out, title in hand, followed quickly by Scott Steiner, women carved out of Hepatitis in hand. Nash talks about how the New Blood has tried to destroy the Millionaire’s Club, but just haven’t got the job done. He says Scott Hall is in Florida and getting healthier by the day. To that I say, you sir, are a liar. Nash then calls out Ric Flair, who arrived earlier in a limo, telling his family to stay there while he went inside. Of course, once he got inside, R&B security kidnapped his family, and I believe him to be none the wiser. Flair gets on the mic and talks about how he’s gonna beat both his son David and Russo come the Great American Bash. Nash follows this up by giving Flair the title back, saying he never really lost it. That’s why we watch pro-wrestling. Two warriors in the ring, heart rates jacked, sweat pouring, bodies pushed to the limit as they hand titles over to each other.
Double J comes out to talk about his misgivings with Flair. Russo shows up to reveal that he has his family held hostage. Millionaires give chase as we cut to a scene of Vampiro driving a truck full of gasoline.
Filthy Animals come out, with Disco Inferno as their newest member. See, it’s funny because Disco is trying to talk “gangster” but he’s all suburban and dorky and just can’t do it! Har har har!
Disco Inferno vs. Chavo Guerrero – Lumberjack Match
The only highlight of the match is when you realize that WCW felt Rey Mysterio would be a much better draw as a pathetic 13-year-old in baggy Tommy Hilfiger jeans, having just discovered what one can do with a boner, than a masked superhero who puts on amazing matches. The match is a few moves and then a spot with Major Gunns kicking Rey in his 619.
Chavo hits the Tornado DDT for the pin at 3:13 | *
Elsewhere, Vampiro is interviewed and reveals he has sinister plans for the gas, as someone will die. With the way this show is shaping up, I’m hoping it’s me. As the interview concludes, Kronik comes into frame, beating up a Harris Brother, who’s then saved by Sean Stasiak and Chuck Palumbo and his Lex Flexer.
Ms. Hancock comes out to let us know she can dance. Now, newbies may not know this, but there are 2 hard and fast rules in wrestling. If there’s a hot girl in the ring about to do something slutty, a heel will prevent it. If there’s a trophy in the ring, it will be destroyed. As if on cue, Chris Candido comes out to express his displeasure with something she did on Thunder. I’m not a family member of anyone of WCW, so I didn’t see that Thunder, but I’ll assume her activities were unscrupulous. David Flair comes out to save Ms. Hancock, which then brings out Ric, which then brings out 20 members of R&B security who are all taken out with a chop from Ric. Seriously, how are these guys finding work? They’re so weak I could stab them with a bag of wet hair.
Elsewhere, Kimberly arrives and we get footage of her throwing DDP’s stuff out of their house.
Booker T comes out as G.I. Bro. He explains that the reason he’s G.I. Bro is because when he first started in this business this is who he was. That’s the absolute best explanation for something that Russo has ever come up with. No joke. G.I. Bro calls out Mike Awesome, who arrives driving an ambulance. Is DDP gonna arrive in a crop duster later?
G.I. Bro vs. Mike Awesome
Calling Mike Awesome “The Career Killer” isn’t going to get him or WCW anywhere. Hopefully they hurry up and make him the guy who intercourses fat chicks so this job is somewhat worth doing. DDP arrives and helps Bro put Awesome through a table, and then into the back of the ambulance. Apparently this was an ambulance match. That’s the genius of Russo. Even though you’re watching a tables match, there’s still the chance someone will win by escaping the steel cage.
Awesome is put in the ambulance, giving Bro the win at 3:15 | *
Elsewhere, Palumbo and Stasiak get beat up by Kronik.
Thumbs up to the guys who brought four signs so they could spell out FUNB, but instead spell out BNUF.
Bischoff comes out, and he’s at odds with Hulk Hogan. Eventually the Hulkster comes out, and he isn’t happy with the slanderous things that Bischoff has been saying. His nephew has been appointed the special guest ref at GAB, so there’s that.
Kevin Nash vs. Tank Abbot and Rick Steiner
Abbot and Steiner work on Nash a little bit, but Goldberg makes his return after his injury. It’s a huge pop, as the crowd goes pretty fucking crazy. Of course, WCW could have built on this, however they decided not to. When the Great American Bash happens, you’ll see what I mean. Match just sort of dissolves after a few minutes. Hell, you’d be hard-pressed to even call it a match.
Terry Funk [C] vs. Vampiro – Hardcore Title
Vampiro hits a Nail in the Coffin on Funk, and before the ref can count it, Vampiro hits him with the NITC for no reason. He then demands his pyro go off as he tries to burn Funk. They soon battle to the back as Hudson says “we’ve never seen anyone take this kind of beating and keep standing”. Well, to be fair, perhaps Hudson has missed every single hardcore match WCW has had in the last 365 days. They battle to the gas truck as Sting manages to make it in the nick of time. I’m a little surprised that no one was burnt alive as promised.
Match just sort of ends at around 5 minutes | *
We get footage of DDP arriving at his house and being kicked out. Of course, the cops kick him out simply because Kimberly said to. Yeah, that’s how the law works.
Speaking of Kimberly, she comes out to the ring and actually sort of works as an obnoxious heel. She can’t really act, or cut a promo, but that actually works in her favor, because it’s so opposite of her delusion of being great. She calls out Liz, and once she comes to the ring both Stasiak and Palumbo hold her in order for Kimberly to put the boots to her. This brings out DDP, who drops Awesome with a Diamond Cutter. Bischoff comes out to have DDP arrested for violating a restraining order that Kimberly has on him and the cops begin to do so. Really? They’re gonna arrest him but over-look the fact that Liz has been kidnapped for going on two months now? So, they slap the cuffs on him, but Palumbo lays out the cops so he can continue beating up DDP. Lex Luger shows up to chase him off. Awesome then puts the boots to DDP, but Karl Malone, who has been front row all night, heads into the ring to drop him with a Diamond Cutter.
Scott Steiner [C] vs. Shane Douglas – Asylum Match for the US Title
The Asylum is a tiny cage that fits inside the ring. Apparently the only way to win is to make your opponent give up completely. Steiner pretty much controls the entire match, which is only a few minutes. The Asylum is one of those ideas where someone is striving to be original, and it just doesn’t work whatsoever. You know the cage that came down the pole and captures the mouse in the board game Mouse Trap? Well, that’s what this looks like. It leaves you wishing it was a full on cage, so the wrestlers could move around instead of fighting like they’re in a phone booth.
Douglas taps to the Recliner at 2:25 | *1/4
Billy Kidman vs. Sting
Sting beats the hell out of Kidman, steadily on the way to an easy win until Vampiro hits him in the head while the ref isn’t looking.
Kidman nabs the pin at 3:25 | *
Afterwards, we’re back to burning Sting alive again until Hogan makes the save. He works over Billy and Vamp, and is about to nail Bisch with a chair until The Cat gives him a Van Damninator. So, they bring out a trash can to burn Hogan’s shirt. They then try to drag Sting into the flames, but Kronik makes the save. I think we all wish they’d have been able to save the shirt.
Jeff Jarrett vs Ric Flair [C] – World Heavyweight Championship
This match is just like every other match of Ric’s when he was in WCW and absolutely didn’t care one bit. Honest to God, Russo believed that this whole “trade the titles” ordeal would wind up spiking the ratings. I mean, who wouldn’t be interested in booking where weeks at a time don’t matter? Who doesn’t want to see two warriors stand in a ring and one of them hands the other one a belt?
Jarrett hits Flair with the acoustic guitar for the pin and the title at 8:06 | **
Showcase Showdown: In an hour and 38 minutes of show, there was 21 minutes of wrestling. Shock as this is, all of the wrestling was pretty bad. While this show was terrible as all get out, it thankfully wasn’t soul-sucking terrible like some of the other ones we’ve seen. Russo’s booking continues to defy all logic, as well as anything anyone has ever been told about how to construct a story. There was no point for all these title changes in two weeks, especially when one of them is done by just handing it over.