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Sting vs Vampiro – Cage Match
Thank God this Sting/Vampiro feud is continuing! I’ve only seen Vampiro get the absolute hell kicked out of him and lose about 30 times. So obviously, this feud is still 50/50 and neither one has gotten the leg up on the other. The House of Pain, as it’s called, appears to be a steel cage with a roof on top, with tons of shackles on the sides. The object is to shackle your opponent to the cage. I’m willing to bet that Sting shackles Vampiro, beats him within an inch of his life, and then next week Sting will want revenge! Of course, if he can even get in the cage, as Vampiro has locked him out. Sting climbs to the top, and beats a hole into the top of the cell. He drops in, they fight. Shockingly, Sting wins by locking Vampiro to the cage and proceeding to beat the absolute hell out of him.
Sting shacks Vampiro for the finish at 6:22 | *1/2
Elsewhere, the MIA discuss serious things. Tylene Buck, otherwise known as Major Gunns has joined the group.
Kronik come out, discussing their days of when they wore sweats & tank-tops, while fighting ninjas on top of moving semi-trucks as they try to rescue the President.
Kronik vs The Wall & Franchise
Franchise ducks out of the match about 10 seconds into it. The Wall is able to put both members through tables, but they feel the best answer to that is the Road Warrior Hawk solution. Wall is quickly double powerbombed through the announce table, before being rolled back in for the 3 count.
Bryan Clark hits the pin at 4:11 | *
Paramedics come out to help, The Wall decides to lay the boots to them. Makes sense. Everytime I go to the dentist I put him in The Walls of Jericho, while I scream at his assistant “ASK HIM!”
Else where, Bischoff is backstage with Kimberly, and it looks like they’re looking for a used car or something. Terry Funk comes in, and Bischoff tells him to hand over the belt. Terry Funk respectfully disagrees with such choice, leading to The Cat to kick him in the back of the head while Eric & Kimberly see an ad for a free trampoline. Dollar signs begin forming the letters ‘Fort Adventure’ in Bischoff’s mind.
Else where, Norman & Ralphus are seemingly homeless I suppose, as they’re rooting through the trash looking for food. The camera pans else where and we see Goldberg’s monster truck in the parking lot. Really? Goldberg didn’t have a smaller car at home? Does he also wear those giant foam cowboy hats when it rains and giant foam fingers for mittens?
The Filthy Animals vs Terry Funk
The Cat drags Terry out, as the 3 Animals get to working him over. Rey hits an Arabian Facebuster, which I always thought was freaking awesome. The Misfits In Action run out to aid Terry, as Disco runs out to aid The Animals, as Booker T runs out to aid The Misfits. Everyone getting all this help, yet I don’t see Sebastian running in to take over this review for me.
Terry Funk is rolled over on The Juice to score the pin at 2:59 | *
Afterward, Major Gunns comes out to give Terry some mouth to mouth.
Else where, Flair shows up.
Then Ralphus & Norman beg to sell pop-corn. Hilarity.
Flair goes into Bischoff’s office and demands to see Russo. Eric claims to not know where he is, although I have a feeling he’s fibbing. Flair leaves, The Cat runs off to warn Russo.
Chris Candido [C] & Tammy vs Crowbar & Daffney – Crusierweight Championship
Hoorah, Daffney. Hancock shows up. Goodness, what happened to Tammy’s ass? It looks like it had a dual-stroke. What a shame. This is an odd match as Tammy & Crowbar execute moves on each other, Candido & Daffney just stand there and watch, then vice versa. At one point, Tammy pays homage to Lance Storm’s chairshot to RVD from the first Barely Legal, as she lightly places it against Crowbar’s head. Miss Hancock says some stuff on the mic that you barely hear. Apparently she’s gonna dance for Tony Schiavone for whatever reason. Crowbar comes after Hancock. Candido tries to powerbomb Crowbar, but they can’t get in sync and take about 3 tries to get it done. However Crowbar does a bit of a Billy Kidman type ordeal with a faceplant. Then Daffney pins Tammy, winning the belt, I believe. Then Ric Flair just runs out. Goddamn what a fucking mess.
Daffney pins Tammy for the Crusierweight Title at 5:19 | DUD
Ric hangs out in the ring, demanding Russo show up. Now we get some footage taking place at Flair’s home. Russo & David pull up in one of those Corvettes that guys in a midlife crisis buy when they can’t afford a real midlife crisis. They pull Daffney from the trunk, which is actually kinda funny. Heading inside,they make fun of a family picture. Russo goes into Ric’s room, and they jump on his bed. Good Lord, messing up a persons sheets? Lower than the low. They go through his closet next. You know, it’s a shame that this feud is all for a hack like Russo, instead of an actual wrestler, because this is actually building a little heat. The crowd chants “boring”. That doesn’t even begin to describe it. David hits the ring, he and Flair discuss a few things. None of them interesting. I mean, would it absolutely KILL them to have Daffney be topless during this or something? Flair announces that he’s not wrestling Jarrett at the GAB, he’s wrestling him tonight. Instead, the GAB will be Flair vs David Flair. That’s pretty smart, I mean, you fill up PPVs with matches that people would rather eat a Yankee Candle than watch, and you’re creating a license to print money. Jarrett runs out, hits Flairhim with a guitar and slaps on the Figure 4.
Else where, Russo says he has some tough love for Liz tonight. I was wondering how long it’d be before Russo got a rape in on Nitro.
Russo & Liz come out, and hang out inside the cage as a maintenance man works on fixing the hole at the top.
He tells her that she’s going to compete tonight in the cage, against Medusa. I don’t get it, is Medusa’s stylist hepatitis C?
She looks so gutter. Well, the maintenance man leaps down from the top, and it’s Mario. As in Mario & Luigi. Oh snaps. Mario takes off his mustache, to reveal he didn’t arrive here in a go-kart, as it’s actually Lex Luger. Medusa & Russo go down, as Liz shoves a cup that Luger was wearing in Russo’s face. Of course security comes out and Luger is jumped and beaten, again. Kevin Nash shows up as Liz, Russo, and Chuck Palumbo make a run for it. Kevin Nash is literally beating up about 13 guys at once. As he attempts to set up Medusa for a powerbomb, Mike Awesome shows up and jumps him from behind. He gets a few blows in before Luger gets up and sends him running. Nash challenges Awesome to an Ambulance Match.
Steiner speaks for a minute, saying he’s hanging out in the alley with Rick & Tank Abbot. I imagine they’re sitting around a burning barrel singing “In The Still Of The Night”. The camera shows Rick & Tank heading to the outside to fight Scott, which ends up with Rick smashing a 2×4 over Big Poppa Pump’s back. Immediately we then see Goldberg’s monster truck just driving through the parking lot, running over cars. I only wish they’d get a shot of him in the front seat driving it backwards or something.
Kevin Nash vs Mike Awesome – Ambulance Match
You guys ever see that In Living Color skit where Jim Carrey is a karate instructor? He then tells the woman how to properly attack with a knife? That’s exactly how most guys in WCW do their chair shots. They’re completely telegraphed, and I’m shocked anyone is ever hit with one. Mike sets up a table near the ambulance, and as he goes for Kevin, DDP shows up to hit him with a Diamond Cutter. They pick up Awesome, and head on over to the edge of the stage. Nash goes for the powerbomb, but isn’t able to get him up all the way, so DDP has to help. Naturally, they don’t put him in the ambulance, and the ref just ends the match. This may be the worst episode of Nitro I’ve ever seen.
The ref ends the match because Nash simply walked away at 5:22 | DUD
Else where, Hogan shows up, as Ralphus & Norman talk about expanding their popcorn business. But oh ho ho, Ralphus scratches his ass and puts it in the popcorn. What’s next? Are they going to be baking a keish that will collapse due to a loud noise? Will they get handcuffed together just before Norman has an important business meeting? Will Ralphus have to dress like a woman, and there will be a guy who just thinks he’s the hottest chick he’s ever seen?
Bischoff comes out with Kimberly and The Cat. I won’t lie, Kimberly is unbelievably hot. Well, DDP comes out and starts to take care of Bischoff & Cat until Kimberly grabs a chair and makes Liz’s chair shot from earlier look like a shotgun blast. Sid then arrives to help DDP, and immediately turns on DDP, because Russo doesn’t believe in giving the people what they don’t already see coming miles away. Hogan comes out to make the save. At least Sid’s shirt was awesome.
Hogan vs Kidman vs Horace
I’m glad this feud is still going on, because I’m dying to see where it goes after Hogan has repeatedly kicked the living hell out of Kidman. Horace refuses to help the NB, and knocks out Bischoff. Which means he’ll turn on Hogan here in a minute. The Filthy Animals run out, Hogan & Horace hit’em with chairs and clear the ring. Torrie comes out, gives Horace a glance, so Horace wollops Hogan with a chair and pins him. Absolutely shocking.
Horace hits Hogan with a chair and grabs the pin at 5:18 | DUD
Two “swerves” in a row. I’m not going to eat a shot-gun barrel. SWERVE!
Ric Flair vs Jeff Jarrett [C] – World Heavyweight Championship
Why has Ric been wrestling in street clothes? The match isn’t much, other than Ric Flair winning his 15th World Title. The crowd absolutely explodes, and from what I’ve read in The Death of WCW, it actually popped a big rating. So naturally, WCW took the title off him almost immediately. Russo comes in, beats on Flair, and takes the belt. Nash interrupts and takes the belt from Russo. He heads back into the ring and gives Jarrett a very simple power bomb that for some reason they felt the need to gimmick the ring for. Why? I have absolutely no idea. Flair holds up the title, as the show fades out.
Ric Flair rolls up Jeff for the pin and his 15th World Title at 6:58 | *
Showcase Showdown: Ugh. Honestly, I think this is the worst show I’ve ever seen. There was tons of very bad wrestling, complied with some of the most boring story-lines in history, people constantly just walking out multiple times throughout the show, swerves that were pointless, and lots and lots of Russo. This show was only an hour and 41 minutes, but it felt so, so much longer. I’m very upset that this show is only getting worse and we’re only in May.