Monday Nitro – May 8th, 2000 – Sebastian

WCW Monday Nitro 5/8/2000 Review
By Sebastian Howard

So John kept on telling me to review the Pay Per View but I stole his Rambo action figures and threatened to burn them if he didn’t do the Pay Per View show by himself, and every other Pay Per View if I can’t find it in five seconds on Youtube. John readily agreed and I mailed him my Batman Beyond toy as a sign of good faith.

So some stupid shit happened at a hospital where Page got attacked by David Flair and friends. For some reason the Nurse was evil and threw water at Page. How far does Jeff Jarrett’s conspiracy go? He can pay nurses now? Or was the Nurse really Jeff in disguise and he blew up the hospital while walking away from it?

David Arquette comes out with the lamest jacket ever, it looks like he killed a flamingo. He’s also with Eric Bischoff, Mike Awesome, Jeff Jarrett, and Kimberly. Eric goes over the events from the Pay Per View from last night since no one watched it. Arquette beat Eric in a match, then Page beat Jeff at the show with help from David. David won the title at Thunder, and then wrestled Tank Abbot, and I guess that’s all as we don’t get any more footage. The commentators make fun of Eric’s hair turning gray which pisses me off because my hair’s turning gray. Then again I really shouldn’t get offended by Mark Madden, its like Honey Boo Boo saying Gianna Michaels isn’t hot. I know I’m getting a little off subject so let me reiterate, gray hair is sexy. David yells a bunch of stupidness into the microphone (Example: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat’s up!?). Kimberly takes off her shirt to reveal a giant bra. Please, if you guys want to see her boobs just Google them, she used to work for Playboy. Page runs out and hits David with a Diamond Cutter. Jeff and friends attack Page, Sting comes out and cleans house, Millionaires Club runs in but to counter that Kronik come out and the faces clear the ring, and do taunts.

Interview backstage where Eric sets up some matches tonight. Page vs Awesome in a Stretcher Match and Sting vs Double J with the World Title on the line. I guess Eric forgot about Kronik, just like the rest of us.

Norman hangs out with some dude who picks his nose and is fat. No, it’s not Tank Abbot.

Terry gets on the microphone and says that Eric will never get the title belt off his, “wrinkled old ass.”

1st Match: Terry Funk vs Norman Smiley and Ralphus

The backstory for Ralphus is that he used to do crack and Norman is dubbing Nitro, Monday Night Ralphus. Norman and Terry throw a bunch of trashcans and those weird sign things they put to stop people from going into a construction area. They fight backstage and Norman gets on a golf cart and drives around, then throws water bottles at Terry Funk. Then he starts throwing small plastic crates at him. They walk into the kitchen and hit each other with pans. This is already match of the year, I think they can stop now but oh shit, its Ralphus! This match just won’t stop getting better! Ralphus has a gnarly crack showing as he seems to be wearing pajama pants. Norman uses Ralphus as a shield and Terry hits both of them with pans till they fall down and then pins them.

***** Match was just incredible, can I even say anything about this that everyone else hasn’t already said? You can really feel the influence from Ricky Steamboat vs Randy Savage here.

Ric Flair says he’s gotta do something himself. “Ya Lex, I know you’ve been following me around everywhere and its great, I really do love ya like a brother, but Lex, I must have my porn time. And by porn I mean videos of me wrestling Sting from the 90s.” Either that or he was starring in the porn, I’ve heard Flair can pull a good porno out of a broomstick.

Flair goes to the ring with the old World Title. He yells a lot about wrestling in the seventies and says Jeff is badass because he has the belt. Flair wants David to come out to talk to him. David comes out with Daffney followed by Vince Russo. Russo’s theme song is Iron Man? Nah, it’s just some lame generic rock song with the same opening chord. Vince goes over a list of people he’s spitten in the face of. Vince says he’s the Dad David never had. I’m far too uninterested in this to make Vince Russo/Ric Flair’s love baby jokes. Russo suggests David vs Ric at the Great American Bash. Flair says no and Flair tells David he should be a man, and work for his spot. David doesn’t want to do anything until Flair tells him he can get David a job at WWE. Flair goes to chop David but SWERVE David hits Rick with a small white Statue of Liberty knocking Flair out. [NFC: He did that at the PPV too. Does he just have a box of Statue of Liberty statues?]

Lex tries to make Flair stay but Flair yells that he’s done and then leaves in a limo. So… does that count as Flair’s first retirement? I think he’s had like fifty.

2nd Match: Chuck Palumbo vs

Palumbo comes out to Luger’s music and does Luger’s poses. Ugh, is everyone going to get on the microphone before the match? Chuck Palumbo started on Nitro and got to end his storied career feuding with Jamie Noble and trying to bang Michelle McCool. That’s how I want to go out. Anyway, Chuck brags about himself. Lex Luger with Elizabeth come out.

Lex comes in the ring but it’s not actually a match, Lex is dressed in street clothes and there’s no Referee or bell. So he takes out Chuck but R and B security, Russo and Bischoff security, aka one white guy with a lame assed ponytail and a black dude with a bald head, grab Elizabeth. Lex goes to save the day but Chuck takes him out from behind with his muscle flexer which is like a combination between a dildo and a shakeweight.

So we’re fourty-two minutes in and have had one match, though I will admit it was a classic. Vince Russo complains to Elizabeth for not doing anything. He’s kind of right, I can’t remember her doing anything helpful since what, the 92 Summerslam? Vince makes Elizabeth wrestle Daffney and if she wins she gets to be with Lex Luger but if she loses she doesn’t…. I guess that makes sense.

2nd Match: Shawn Stasaik vs Captian Boner w/ Mr. Perfect

Boner’s name is Rection, like Erection so y’know. Boner hits some clotheslines and Boner goes up top for the ten punches. Boner goes for ITS STACY KIEBLER!!! NOW I’VE GOT A BONER! Neh? See what I did there? Shawn hits a Perfect Plex for the win and Stacy Kiebler has nice legs. Kevin Nash comes out to bury Shawn. Whip by Nash and a big boot. Powerbomb. I hope Nash didn’t hurt himself. Nash gets the microphone and asks Vince Russo what he was smoking last night. I’m going to guess he was smoking logic. Nash calls out Russo and The Filthy animals come out with Torrie Wilson. There’s some promo going on involving Kidman saying Scrotum Poll but who cares, the more important question is would I do Torrie Wilson? It’s a tough question, I mean if this was real life I’d probably have a heart attack or something but I get to act like those fat dudes on fourchan who say no chicks hot. So yeah, Torrie’s boobs are too far apart, give her two out of ten, wouldn’t do.  Filthy Animals beat up Nash but Hogan comes and the Animals just run. How does that make any sense? Nash is already hurt and Kidman almost beat Hogan the night previous, so why wouldn’t they at least try to fight Hogan and Nash? Nash challenges them to a handicapped Street Fight match. Honestly, to be honest, I’m just trying to be honest here, honestly, I honestly think, that match will honestly, to be honest, not be that bad, honestly, actually I’m looking forward to it because all the guys are pros, honestly, yes I honestly actually think that this match will be honestly good. [NFC: Yeah, definitely go fuck yourself]

Eric comes out with Kimberly. The thing I notice is that Eric’s leather jacket is super cool. Eric could probably take Steven Seagal, they’re both karate masters. [NFC: Actually, Seagal is a master of Akido]

3rd Match: Diamond Dallas Page vs Mike Awesome in a Stretcher Match

Page hits mike with a clothesline sending both guys outside. Page throws Awesome into the guard rail. Page sends Awesome back in and Awesome comes back with some kicks, and then chokes Page on the ropes. Page comes back with a urnage. Page and Mike do some really lame brawling. Page does spinning rana! Clothesline by Page. DDT by DDP! Neh!? Kimberly runs to the ring and tries to get Page to sign the Divorce Papers but he rips them up. Mike hits Page with a chair from behind. The Referees come with a stretcher. Mike hits DDP with a DDT on the chair! That was pretty badass! DDP gets up halfway down the ramp. In this version of the match the Referees move the stretcher rather than the wrestler so this whole time Awesome has been setting up a table. Awesome hits Page with a… fuck was Razor Ramon’s finisher called? He hits him with that to send him through the table. For anyone who likes Scott Hall you probably didn’t know this but he killed some dude in the seventies. Yeah, he’s that badass. The Referees take Page out.

2.0/5.0 There wasn’t much actual wrestling but it was pretty good storytelling with Page doing everything in his power to prove himself and Awesome having to almost kill Page to make him lose the match. Page is pissed off, he has his hot assed Wife breaking up with him, he has to deal with Millionaire’s Club, and he’s mad. He wants to prove he’s still a badass and a man, and I just felt it really worked storytelling wise.

4th Match: Scott Steiner w/ Two Chick who look like they have AIDS or at least HIV

I think Scott Steiner should try for Mr. Universe. His muscles are grossly big, they look like he put implants in them or something. Scott talks about how he fucked these two chicks last night. What’s the point of doing two women? I’d be done with the first one then take a nap or play Resident Evil or something. [NFC: I’d be doing that during. Or just tell the girls to go home all together as I play some rockin’ RE6] Tank comes from behind and low blows Steiner in the nuts. Psssh, Scott’s on so much roids he doesn’t have testicles anymore. A couple of body shots and then a shot to the face.

Sting says he’s gonna fuck up Jarrett.

4th Match: New Harlem Heat w/ That Awesome Lawyer Dude vs Harris Brothers vs Mamalukes vs Kronik(C) for the Tag Team Titles

This match is going to suck doing play by play for. Team Package is on commentary. Adam kicks Don and comes off the top rope with a clothesline. For some reason the Referee is letting Kronik in the ring at the same time. Now everyones in the ring as all proper organization has just went out. Now this match is really going to suck doing play by play for. Nah, I’ll just say a bunch of guys hit each other. What is John going to do? Stop paying me? Ha. Harris Brothers try to pin one of the dudes from Kronik. Don pushes Stevie Ray. Bryan Adams pinned one of the guys from Mamalukes, then Harris Brothers get eliminated (one person from the tag team gets pinned and the team gets eliminated). Now there’s a giant clusterfuck in the ring, well that could describe this whole match. Stevie Ray accidentally takes out Big T and Kronik hit Big t with a double chokeslam ending this mess.

DUD No cohesion, no coherency, nothing. It was a bunch of guys hitting each other, this is what people who don’t watch wrestling think wrestling is.

Scott Steiner comes out for no reason and hits Big T with a belly to belly. Scott calls out Tank Abbot. I’ve still got another thirty minutes of this crap to watch. Scott is halting the show until Tank Abbott comes out. Does this ever work? Ever? Austin did it before and got arrested and… that’s the only one I remember. Tank tells some dude not to screw it up. We got to commercial and come back. Goldberg’s music hits and we cut backstage to Tank Abbot. Okay, that’s a pretty funny actually. He has like R and b security and mimics Goldberg’s motions to the tee.

Into the ring and tank hits some shots, Scott hits a belly to belly. Tank brings Scott into the corner but he comes back with a belly to belly and then goes to some weird submission where he’s kind of just laying on him. The fans are chanting Goldberg, shows how interested they are in this. Rick comes down to the ring from the fans and tries to talk Scott out of it but SWEREVE Rick turns on Scott and they team up and attack Scott. Tank punches Scott in the face. The commentators ask why Rick did this, maybe because Scott did the same shit to Rick back in 98. [NFC: Haha, exactly. Scott’s turned on Rick like 3 times before this. Yet they’re baffled as to his actions]

Vince says he’s someone on hold and Nitro tells me to eat at Wendys.

5th Match: Elizabeth vs Daffney

Elizabeth is wearing a black shirt and cameo pants. Did she watch Rambo to psych herself up? [NFC: Yup, and later she creates a bow & arrow out of paper clips and rubberbands. Russo is later blown up when Elizabeth shoots him with a flaming pencil-arrow that has white-out taped to it] Daffney has a Liz will Die shirt. Awesome. Elizabeth grabs Daffney by her hair and throws her around. Madusa comes and attacks Elizabeth ending the match at like four seconds in. Luna, some kinda hot blonde chick comes out and attacks Medusa but gets her ass kicked. Elizabeth grabs a chair for some fucking reason. This is worse than watching Turkish Rambo. Elizabeth hits Medusa with the chair and leaves. But that’s not enough, R and B security comes out to escort Elizabeth backstage. Y’know, I’m Straight Edge but there are two things that make me consider drugs. This show and that stupid video of teachers dancing to Gangam Style they played on the morning announcements. [NFC: haha, oh my God] Who thought that shit was a good idea or that it was going to inspire us? Idiots run our school, idiots.

6th Match: Hulk Hogan and Kevin Nash vs Billy Kidman w/ Torrie Wilson and Rey Mysterio, Konan, plus Mike Awesome

Anyone ever do a boobie fuck? My friend Nick has, he says its pretty cool. Nash punches around Mike Awesome and clean house. Juvy Juice comes out like two seconds into the match to do commentary and then comes off the top, and hits Nash with a missile dropkick. The heels lead Hogan backstage and then hit him with random shit they find, and then throw him in the back of a car. Nash doesn’t know about this as he’s too busy burying Juvy Juice with a powerbomb.

Oh God, this show has another twelve minutes left. Okay so Kidman and friends are driving Hogan away but Goldberg’s monster truck blocks them from escaping. Hogan somehow got out of the closed truck and is super slowly walking.

Main Event: Jeff Jarrett (C) vs Sting for the World Heavyweight Championship

There are ten minutes left and we’re still doing entrances so y’know this is going to be a good match. I don’t understand why Sting’s character is such a rip off of The Crow. [NFC: Because he looked just like The Crow, dressed just like The Crow, and was like ‘the nWo killed me, now I’m a ghost’. The whole idea was actually Scott Hall’s] Like, did Sting not see The Crow till like 97 and then he’s like, “I wanna be like this guy.” Then he saw The Dark Knight in 2011 and wanted to be like Heath. Wait a second, Heath’s dead, Brandon Lee is dead…. Sting only mimics dead people. It all makes sense. STING IS VAMPIRO!

Sting brings Jeff to the outside and suplexes him on the ramp. Sting foes off the top but misses a frogsplash on the ramp. Why are they doing all this dangerous shit for main event they only have seven minutes to do? Jeff grabs a chair and rams Sting in the stomach with it. Damn, Sting’s pretty badass, he’s taking some pretty good bumps here. Jeff hits Sting in the leg. Jeff taunts and walks next to the ring and Sting does a super clothesline sending both guys back inside. Jeff gets up first and puts on the Figure four which actually makes sense because about two minutes ago Jeff hit Sting with a chair into the leg. Sting turns the Figure Four around but Jeff reaches the ropes. Sting comes back with punches and clotheslines. Jeff into the corner and a Stinger Splash. Whip by Sting and another Stinger Splash. Scorpion Deathlock. He has the match one but Vampiro comes out from under the ring and the bottom of the ring fills with smoke because if Vampiro touches Vampiro the entire world ends for 00000.00090 seconds. Sting comes out back from under the ring with blood on him and Jeff wins the match. Awesome.

3.0/5.0 Pretty decent and they did what they could with the time they had. New Blood comes out and beat up Sting for like four seconds and then the Wolfpac music hits. Hogan and Nash come out. Well by wrestling logic Hogan and Nash can beat the entire WCW locker room. We cut to Goldberg’s monster truck destroying a car and we don’t know who’s behind the wheel. As we all know it ended up being Papa Shango using spells to make the Monster Truck move on itself. It’s like Christine but its better!

Final Thoughts: Well, this show was horrible. I want to commit suicide, I have no Pepsi and I just sat through the worst show I’ve ever seen ever. I’m still going to recommend it because my descriptions don’t do justice to how bad this show is. You need to see this for yourself so you can feel like I do. Also that first match is pretty good. To be honest, honestly honest that is, Page and Sting’s matches were pretty good but this show is just so bad and their matches were so short so they don’t really come out as important.

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