The show opens with a limo arriving, and I begin to wonder just how many pro-wrestling shows opened with limos arriving since 1997. We’ll say in 1997 there were 80 primetime wrestling shows, add another 40 in 1998 for Thunder, and another 40 in 1999 for Smackdown. So that works out to 420 shows from 1997 until the start of 2001. I’m gonna say that 500 times a limo arriving opened those shows.
So, Arquette gets out of a limo with DDP & Kanyon, only for another limo to show up with members of the New Blood. If only a muscle car were to smash into the bad-limo. Hoorah! Such a thing has happened. Hulk Hogan gets out and starts fighting with Mike Awesome, which will continue for the entire show.
Mark Madden says Bruno Sammartino is rolling in his grave now that Arquette is champion. And people don’t give WCW announcers respect.
Crowbar vs Norman Smiley w/ Mystery Partner – Hardcore Match
Norman comes out with a guy dressed as the local hockey team’s mascot. I’m willing to bet good money its Ralphus. The match doesn’t last long, and it’s no more than your typical WCW hardcore match. However, it doesn’t have Knobbs, and that’s all I ever ask.
Norman hits the roll up after about 3 minutes – *1/2
In the mean time…David talks to Kurt Russel about the day-to-day life of a World Heavyweight Champion.
In the mean time….Shawn Stasiak is out to prove he’s perfect by breaking the free throw record.
Arquette then comes out to the ring with DDP & Kanyon, and they don’t get to say much before being interrupted by the NB. You see, the NB is dissatisfied with David having the belt. I feel that they’re just selfish though, because they’d probably complain about anyone having it besides Jeff. Call me crazy, but I don’t think they’re on the level. They tell David that if he wants to play sports entertainer, then he can play it against Tank Abbot. DDP isn’t happy with this, so now it’s DDP vs Tank, with the stip being if Tank wins then he gets to face Arquette. They never mention if it’s for the strap or not.
The Wall vs Horace – Table Match
About 30 seconds in Miss Hancock comes out, to which Madden says “Snoochie Boochies”. Why the hell does he say this? If there’s one guy who I know is young & hip, and need not pander like this, it’s Mark Madden. So you go Mark, I’m Rick James, bitch! Horace sets up a table, and is about to finish the job when Kidman runs in for the distraction. Wall makes good on this and chokeslams Horace through a table for the win. They proceed to beat the hell out of Horace until Hogan makes the save. This of course brings out Mike Awesome, so Hogan beats the three of them up. Eventually three guys are finally able to take down one, and set him up on a table. Hogan finally gets back up, but ends up getting powerbombed through a table for his troubles.
Now, this match might not seem like a big moment, but it is. Because ladies & gentlemen, we have a NEW RECORD! The idiotic time-keeper rang the bell TWO-HUNDRED AND THIRTY SIX TIMES! I may exaggerate from time to time, and out-right lie to those who love & trust me, but honest to God I thought the time-keeper was E Honda from Street Fighter doing the 100 Hand-Slap with the bell hammer in his hand.
The Wall chokeslams Horace through the table at around 3 minutes – *
In the mean time…we get a promo from Vampiro in which he smells a tombstone. If he had a Feebreeze Air Freshener he wouldn’t even know he was in a graveyard.
Steiner vs Jeff Jarrett vs Hugh Morris
It was Steiner & Jeff vs Hugh at first, but of course it wouldn’t work out like that. Jeff kept going for Steiner’s pins, which turned into Steiner working over Jeff. The match ends with Jarrett smashing Scott with a guitar.
Hugh snags the pin after about 3 minutes – *
We’re now in the graveyard, with Sting mobbing around looking for Vampiro. What I find funny, is that Sting is just
traipsing around a graveyard in his ring attire. Also, last Wednesday on Thunder, Sting showed up still covered in the red liquid. What the hell? Was he just sitting at home, preparing dinner and such, watching TV, and driving his kids to school
while in his wrestling gear and covered in fake blood? I can only pray there was a parent/teacher conference at the time.
Vampiro jumps Sting with a shovel. Madden says Vampiro is taking Sting to the basement. Graveyards have basements?
He then picks up a tombstone, as Sting literally waits for Vampiro to hit him with it. Vamp smashes Sting’s skull
with it, effectively killing him. I mean, seriously. We’re suppose to believe that a block of marble crushing your skull
will be a temporary hassle? I can’t wait for the next Nitro where Vampiro shoots Sting with a fucking shotgun and
gets a count of 2.
In the mean time….we get a clip of Luger working out, while Flair approves of his body.
DDP vs Tank Abbot
It’s a great deal of punching. Jarrett shows up, hits him with a bottle, knocking DDP out. That means Tank wins. How the HELL does that mean Tank wins?
Tank Abbot vs Another Wrestler
Oh, the Another Wrestler gets in his car, the car won’t start, Tank Abbot wins.
We then get footage of Hogan & Awesome fighting in the back. This has been going on all night. Are we going
to get footage of them sharing a meal, and taking turns spitting on each other’s food between bites?
Kidman comes out. He’s still not a fan of Hulk Hogan. He issues an open challenge. Nash, having just arrived,
seems to want to answer the call. He absolutely destroys Kidman. It’s been a minute without a run….nope
there we go. Konnan & Rey run in, who were apparently free agents. He’s down for a minute, but then kicks the
absolute hell out of them. Honestly, Nash is so charismatic that I’d be more than fine with him as champion
because you’re not gonna get any better matches from anyone, save for Flair, so the champ
might as well be fun to watch. Rey & Konnan run to the back, and Nash….well, he doesn’t give
chase as he so much is suggesting. Hahah, in classic WCWness, they hop into a truck & try to drive away.
However, they can’t because something is in their way, so Nash has to slow waaaaay down as to not catch the
truck. He’s then about to steal a car, but sees they aren’t going anywhere, so he just beats them up some more.
Russo is out. He wants Luger. So, he comes out, only to have about 20 security guards jumping him. Luger
then beats up 30 of them, before the 40 guards mace him. The 50 guards then leave, as Franchise & Buff
come in to attack Luger’s package. Liz then hits Russo with a bat, and runs for safety. She runs pass some security
guards, and well, they’ve tried absolutely nothing to stop her, and they’re all out of ideas. Kronik comes out and
beats up the 60 security guards.
In the mean time…Arquette is upset he has to fight Tank Abbot.
In the mean time…Nash has now trashed Konnan’s truck with a crowbar.
In the mean time…the cops are now arresting Kronik & Luger, yet the fact that Russo has been dragging around a kidnap
victim for days now seems to bother them not.
Vampiro comes out and gives a promo that literally is given with the conviction of my mom going out there and being told to recite it. Sting shows up, and beats the hell out of Vampiro. WHY…WHY am I suppose to care about this?! Sting always gets the one up, and beats the absolute shit out of Vampiro.
In the mean time….Stasiak is still doing free throws. I wonder why they didn’t save this for PPV.
Tank Abbot vs David Arquette [C]
Kanyon comes out with Arquette, and distracts Tank while David comes up from behind. He tries
with a sleeper, but alas. Honestly, I’m surprised Tank didn’t win when David took off his jacket. He keeps trying to beat up Abbot, to no avail. DDP shows up in an ambulance. His music hits, and Abbot once again looks to the entrance, as DDP comes from behind. Really? He falls for the whole behind deal twice in about a minute? Well, on the plus side, Abbot takes one of the sickest Diamond Cutters ever.
David gets the pin after about a minute – No Rating
Backstage, Steiner beats up Jarrett for past discretions.
Stasiak is about to hit the record-breaking free throw, when Hennig shows up to prevent this. I like the idea of Hennig
literally sitting around, waiting for Stasiak to make 5,221 freethrows in a row before ruining it. Perfect patience.
Hulk Hogan vs Mike Awesome
Awesome has the advantage for a while, as they brawl outside. Hogan tries to get it back with a chair, and his workout belt. It works for a minute before Awesome gets it back again, beating Hogan up the isle with his belt. Back in the ring
for some pretty uninteresting action. Kidman shows up, flies off the top rope with a chair, smashing Hogan.
Awesome snags the pin after about 5 minutes – *
Some guy jumps in with a Sting mask and a New Blood shirt. He takes off his mask, and I think it’s Greg Helms, but I don’t know. Security treats him like a fan. Immediately the red liquid falls, taking out Hogan. Then the New Blood comes in to beat him up to end the show.
Man alive, what a terrible show. There were 6 matches that added up, made for about 10 minutes total of wrestling. This New Blood angle is God-awful. I mean, everyone is feuding with everyone and anyone on any given week. One Nitro it’s Nash vs Awesome, and Hogan vs Kidman, then its Awesome vs Hogan and Hogan vs Kidman with Nash vs Kidman. I get it’s the MC vs NB, but we need things to stay a course a….what the hell am I even saying? Like I don’t know what’s coming down the pike. Like I don’t know how God-awful it’s going to continue to get. At least there will be more of the blood falling from the ceiling. Also, now that we have a new Champion in the number of bell-rings, we can look forward to the day it’s dethroned.