Monday Nitro – April 24th, 2000 – Sebastian

WCW Monday Nitro 4 24 2000
Review by Sebastian Howard

They go over events of last weeks Nitro and the only thing I really have to say about it is its pretty cool that Hogan called Eric Bischoff and told him he’s going to kick his ass in about five minutes.

Vampiro is fighting Vampiro but you people can’t understand that Vampiro is Vampiro and Vampiro is also Sting, and Vampiro is also all of us at the same time so I’ll just call one Vampiro Sting and the other Vampiro Vampiro. Vampiro takes out Sting from behind with a pipe or something.

1st Match: Terry Funk (C) vs Bam Bam Bigelow for the Hardcore Championship

Bigelow attacks Funk during his entrance with a trashcan. Bigelow brings Funk in. Bigelow puts a trashcan on Funk and hits him with a chair. Is that what you’re supposed to do in Smackdown vs Raw? When I put the trashcan on the dude I never now what to do. Anyway, Bigelow is kicking some ass with the chair but Ernest The Cat Miller runs in and does a jumping kick thing giving Funk the win.

DUD So after the pay per view that showed Funk destroying himself to win the match, on Nitro two weeks later he gets his ass kicked, doesn’t even get a move in, and Ernest Miller wins the match for him. Russo’s a fucking idiot.

Billy Kidman w/ Torrie Wilson comes out. John, what do you think of Torrie Wilson? Kidman says that Hogan knows that Kidman’s too much of a man for him. Does that mean Hogan saw Kidman’s penis or something?

Jeff Jarrett w/ A Guitar, The World Heavyweight Championship, glasses, Slap Nuts shirt, Kimberly w/ Giant Boobs, and Eric Bischoff all come out.

I think I listed those in order of importance, usually the woman comes last but Kimberly was involved in the main event last night while Eric just kind of stood there. Jarrett is wrestling DDP in the Triple Decker Cage match from the movie. Eric Bischoff starts yelling and its weird because I can hear what he’s saying but he doesn’t have a microphone with him. He probably has one of those wired ones on him. DDP comes out with an Albert Einstein shirt because DDP’s Diamond Cutter move involves gravity… or something. It took me a long time to come up with that joke too. Anyway, while I was coming up with that joke Kimberly implies that she’s been fucking Eric Bischoff and Dimaond calls her a super bitch. Kimberly gives Page the divorce papers which leads to a brawl, David Arquette comes out of the crowd but gets his ass kicked only for (Who’s better than?) Kanyon to come out and clean house. The heels go to the stage and Eric Bischoff challenges David to a match. David’s voice on the microphone is absolutely horrid, it sounds like a women screaming because you accidentally slipped her roofies and accidentally tripped and fell, and your penis happened to fall into her. anyway, David is wrestling Eric so Page can get a title shot or something. Y’know Eric could probably kick David’s ass in real life, I mean Eric has a black belt.

Vampiro’s looking for Vampiro backstage.

2nd Match: Chris Candido and Sunny vs The Artist formerly Known as Deez Nuts and Paisley

Sunny gets on the mic and pretty much says she’s better at being a prostitute than Paisley. Chicks get into a cat fight, Ref breaks it up. Sunny goes up to the top and hits Chris and Artist. Artist goes for a suplex but Chris stops that. Chris accidentally takes out Paisley with a clothesline, Chris fights with The Artist on the outside of the ring and Sunny pins Paisley for the win.

DUD This match isn’t important though because….

Vampiro is coming out! And by Vampiro I mean Sting! Sting hits Chris with a Scorpion Deathdrop for some reason. He grabs a mic and yells about how its showtime. Y’know, Dr Publix is a pretty good soda. Sting challenges Vampiro to a First Blood match tonight. So…. Sting couldn’t have waited until Chris left the ring.

3rd Match: Team Package w/ Elizabeth vs Kronik

As we all know Lex Luger’s gimmick is a total ripoff of Buff The Stuff Bagwell’s gimmick. Buff really should sue or something. Aww, doing Play by Play for this is going to suck! Kronik dudes look exactly the same, I’m just calling both of them Buff Dude.

So the Buff Dude’s come after Flair and Luger. And STACY KIEBLER COMES OUT TO THE RING!!!! THERE DOESN’T NEED TO BE A REASON DAMN IT!!! Buff Bagwell comes out because this match is so fucking awesome! Luger takes out Bagwell on the apron and Shane Douglas runs in and hits Flair with a baseball bat, Kronik hit a double chokeslam for the win.

DUD I mean we only got one shot of Stacy and it wasn’t even of her ass.

Bagwell beats up Flair with a baseball bat and does muscle poses. Sounds like me at School. Kronik beat up Bagwell and Shane Douglas.

Vampiro quotes a Spider. Eric Bischoff says something stupid. Cut to an interview and Eric says that Kidman and Mike Awesome are teaming up against Hogan and Hogan needs to get a partner. Well that’s kind of unfair, how are Mike Awesome and Kidman supposed to have even a small chance against Hogan?

4th Match: Mike Awesome and Billy Kidman w/ Torrie Wilson vs Hulk Hogan and The Power of America

Kidman and Awesome attack Hogan to start but Hogan gives them a double headbutt. Clotheslines Awesome over the top. Awesome and Hogan fight on the outside. Back in with Hogan in control. Hogan punch Awesome and hits him with a clothesline. Hogan whips Awesome with his belt and chokes him, then punches. This shit is so obvious, Hogan’s going to kick both these guys asses for a bit, then they’re going to team up on him, and some dude is going to come out and tag in, win the match. Anyway, Hogan actually did a backdrop suplex so that’s cool. Hogan with another clothesline. More punches in bunches. Hogan gets distracted by Kidman and Awesome, and Kidman team up on Hogan in the corner. Hogan hits both guys with a double clothesline. Hogan goes for the ten punch on Awesome but Kidman breaks the up. Hogan goes after Kidman giving Awesome a chance to take him down and hit a splash for two. Hogan hits a big boot, then a scoop slam and elbows, then a kick to the face. Awesome goes to the outside and Hogan rams him on the table, then threatens Mark Madden or something.

Hogan whips Awesome into the guard rail. Kidman hits Hogan with a chair. They double stomp Hogan on the outside. So is the No DQ rule from last week being activated now? Heels bring Hogan inside. Awesome pulls out a table and brings it inside. Heels set up the table. Awesome powerbombs Hogan through the table. Nash is backstage watching the show, why the fuck are the only TVs they have in WCW shows backstage super small? I wouldn’t be able to watch shit on that TV. They set Hogan up on another table and Kidman sends Hogan through a table with a frogsplash. Kidman does the Hogan taunt and hits Hogan with a legdrop for the win.

2.0/5.0 Pretty bad match, Hogan was beating up both guys but that ending was pretty cool, I didn’t expect Kidman to get a clean win with a legdrop.

Nash comes out and he’s not cleared to wrestle. Oh snaps, he might hurt himself giving Kidman a powerbomb. Nash kicks some ass but Torrie hits Nash in the balls. The Ref is distracted with Torrie but I don’t see why she has to distract the Referee, I mean there’s not a match going on. Anyway, the heels hit Nash’s leg with a chair and his legs injured.

Watching commercials from this show, there’s some weird shit were all they imply that an M8M is a prostitute (it has people whistling at her and she tells the people to buy a bag). Then there’s some Slim Jims fighting inside a dude’s stomach. A commercial where a dude tells his son he’s going to have a car when he dies I guess, some Star Wars video game commercial where a dude’s lightsaber goes off in an airport. LeBron James dances about Basketball.

5th Match: Eric Bischoff w/ Kimberly and Jeff Jarrett vs David Arquette Who’s Not Gonna Take It Anymore w/ Diamond Dallas Page

Mark Madden says that Page has to do the Self High Five a lot, if you know what he means. Nice sign that says, “Rather be at Raw.” Eric chokes out David in the corner. David comes back with a spear and does a weird dance. Then the Worm, a couple Suck Its, and an elbow. David has the match one but Jeff pulls the Ref out and hits Page with the Title Belt. Jeff runs in and tries to hit David with the guitar but misses and hits Eric instead. Kanyon runs in and takes out Jeff and David gets the pin.

Vampiro is looking for Vampiro still.
David and Kanyon are hanging out with some prostitute backstage while drinking champagne. Jeff argues with Eric.

6th Match: Big Sump Pump w/ Prostitutes vs Booker T

I wonder if the person who made these storylines did it in the same fashion that new South Park episode did. For people who didn’t see it they had a Sarcastaball thing going on where Randy, the Dad was mad they took the kickoff out of Football so made these ridiculous rules to use as an example, “Let’s have the kids dress in bras and wear tin foil hats, and instead of tackling let’s have them hug.” Well imagine if someone was like, “You know what I would looooooooove to see? How about we make it NO DQ all night and then people lose by Disqualification? And how about David Arquette becomes WCW Champion! And Booker T loses his entrance music!” And Russo took this all seriously and thought it sounded good so decided to use it.

Booker T comes out in a leather jacket with sunglasses which means he’s Jean-Claude Van Damming it. Hell he even has like Spandex pants on. Booker tells the hookers that once you go black you never go back… then chokes both of the chicks? What the fuck!? Well that was… weird. Anyway, Scott punches Booker T and we cut to commercial.

Commercials…. damn Bowflex was still around in 2000? Oh, ha I remember payphones, those things kicked ass. They do this stupid assed advertisement for NitroGirls.com. Thank God that we have actual porn on the internet now that isn’t two seconds long and sucks ass.

Russo tells Bagwell and Shane Douglas to fight Kronik for the Tag Titles. I don’t know dude, Kronik are probably pretty tired from that two-minute match earlier tonight.

7th Match: Kronik (C) vs The Stuff for the World Tag Team Titles

Bagwell and Buff Dude are in. Dude with a chop, Bagwell with a kick and a neckbreaker. Bagwell brags about how buff he is to the other Buff Dude. Shane in with an elbow for two. Shane hits some punches but Dude no sells it. Shane with a clothesline but Dude hits a hotshot. The fans start chanting boring. I don’t really see why. Dudes go for a double chokeslam but Bagwell stops that from happening only for Bagwell to get hit with the double chokeslam. Russo takes out one of the Dude’s but other Dude kicks Russo and goes for his finisher but Shane breaks that up. Bagwell hits everyone with a baseball bat, then Russo hits the Ref with a baseball that. Russo counts the pin for Bagwell and we have new Tag Team Champions.

DUD That was fucking stupid.

Luckily to make up for that next match Tank Abbot is coming out.

Why does a wrestler ever say cut the music? Whenever they start talking the music stops anyway. Tank calls Goldberg Ghostberg. Mark’s about to piss himself at the commentator as he’s hiding behind the other commentators. Tank just walks around throwing shit and decides to beat up Bob Ryder, the guy on the WCW site or something. No! Anyone but him! Jeremy Borash runs in but Tank just takes him out with a punch. Pssh, we all know Borash could kick Abbot’s ass in real life.

Eighth Match: Cage Match for the World Heavyweight Title: Diamond Dallas Page vs Jeff Jarrett (C) w/ Vince Russo

Mark Madden calls Jeff Jarrett the Best in The World, man someone in WWE now should make that a shirt, I bet it’d sell like crazy. Page slams the cage door on Jeff before the match starts. Page brings Jeff into the crowd and throws him into shit. I know I’ve seen this match before, I think it’s on my Nitro DVD Disc three. Page and Jeff just kinda whip each other into the guard rail. Page throws Jeff into the cage. Onside the cage now. Page with a ten punch but Jeff hits a lowblow. Jeff with kicks. Jeff whips Page into the cage. Jeff kicks Page around. Page comes back with punches in bunches and a clothesline. Diamond Cutter but Mike Awesome gets to the Cage door. Jeff reverses the Diamond Cutter into a DDT. Jeff goes for a scoop slam but Diamond gets out and hits Jeff with a Diamond Cutter. Awesome tries to get in but Kaynon runs in and takes out Awesome. The Diamond Cutter gets Page the win.

DUD The match was mostly just these two guys throwing each other into shit.

Main Event: Vampiro vs Vampiro (Sting) First Blood Match

Why does Vampiro have a Pepsi logo on his shirt? Sting comes down from the rafters on that wire thing. Sting was stuck on the wire allowing Vampiro an opening. This match is going to kind of suck, we have three minutes left in the show. Inside the ring and Sting takes Vampiro out with a clothsline. Vampiro’s back in only to be thrown back out by Sting. Wow, I really want to buy that Vampiro shirt now (they had a commercial for a Vampiro shirt before the Page match). Vampiro goes on the commentators table and a bunch of blood falls out the ceiling. The New Blood come out and beat up Sting put him on the rafter thing. So Sting is knocked out on the wire thing, with a bunch of blood, and he looks dead…… does anyone else see a problem with that?

Final Thoughts: While the show had no good wrestling what so ever it wasn’t that hard to sit through at all, everything moved smoothly and kept my interest, so it wasn’t boring but it wasn’t really good either.

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