Ready To Rumble – Caliber & Sebastian

April 5th, 2000
Director: Brian Robbins

Those who requested this, know that you’re all villainous bastards.

Sebastian –

I was going to do this review Roger Ebert style but this movie’s so bad I feel I have to make notes as I go along. The two main characters are Gordie (David Arquette) and Sean (Scott Caan). So the movie starts off with Sean telling some kids how cool wrestling is and how this Jimmy King dude is the greatest wrestler ever and how he can raise the dead minus dogs. So then Gordie wants a new slushie so gets into a fight with the store manager who’s going on about how wrestling’s bad so he starts kicking his ass but then Randy Savage comes in Jimmy King comes out of nowhere. It turns out that its a dream (hard to believe, I know) and Gordie ends up getting a refill on his drink by sticking a finger up his ass.

As you can tell this is already the best movie of all time. It gets even better as Gordie and Sean get into a fight and Sean pulls out a suplex. I mean, last time I was in a real fight, well it was against a dude like a foot taller than me and the only move I got in was a slap but if I could’ve had more prep time I would’ve totally hit him with a German suplex. So they end up on Nitro as they bought tickets. They go googoo over the Nitro girls because computer porn sucked ass in 2000. So DDP comes out and he’s getting booed even though he was getting huge pops in real life on Nitro. Then this super un-buff, fat dude named Jimmy King comes out and cuts some dumbass promo about how he’s going to make DDP his dungeon bitch.

This movie treats wrestling as fake but real. Like the booker tells DDP that he’s going to job to a piledriver but then says that he wants DDP to shoot in the match. Then when they’re actually wrestling they act as if they’re actually fighting each other. Well kind of until DDP starts hooting, then Jimmy’s shooting. To be fair the matches are actually pretty well choreographed in this movie. King comes back with a perfectly fair low blow but then Cage’s goons, which involve like Sid Vicious for some reason even though he was a total babyface at this time. Then the King’s pals turn on him and they do a stupid assed Four Way Massacre thing that involves four people jumping off the top rope and doing a headbutt which, of course would kill someone in real life.

This movie only get’s better as it has full grown men crying about a wrestling event which causes them to crash their truck. They end up in a truck full of farting nuns and they play Van Helen songs with them. Some dude who’s playing video games helps our characters find Jimmy King through a computer. The only way this could get better is if Alexis Texas and Gianna Michaels were in it. They find Jimmy’s wife and she’s complaining about crabs. So of course Gordie’s interested.

The dude who was playing the arcade game’s Dad is really badass. He tells him everything is for pussies. Puking, for pussies. Talking on the phone, for pussies. Drinking Coca Cola, for pussies. Well he didn’t say that last one but y’know he was thinking it. They end up meeting Jimmy King at a trailer and he tells them that wrestling’s fake. They try to do wrestling moves to him so he kills them with a double sledgehammer. What the Hell is up with that move being used as a finisher in movies? Hogan used it in No Holds Barred too.

Then we get some random music about a guy complaining about himself with a nice guitar in the background. Sweet! They end up staring at the chicks boobs and the scenes really cool because instead of being able to see the boobs for more than two seconds it keeps on cutting to David’s face. Awesome.

DDP starts trash talking Jimmy King so he escapes out of a porta potty to kick some ass with a toilet seat. The best part of the movie is when Kenny jumps off the toilet and hits an axehandle, then wins the title even though it wasn’t even a match. Phew, the manager dude calls him out on that shit and makes a Steel Cage match for the title and ten thousand dollars.

Jimmy King tells Mean Gene he’s sexy and then gets drunk. Well actually he was drunk when he said that but he gets more drunk and falls down a sewer hole. Jimmy ends up getting re-trained by Martin Landau, who plays a Ric Flair rip off. Gordie wants to do Sasha (Rose McGowan) so they end up eating dinner. Sasha tries doing Gordie but Gordie realizes she’s way too skinny so ends up kicking her ass. Hells yeah, this movie kicks ass! I’ve always wanted some chick to try and put the moves on me only to kick her in the face. John get’s to experience all the cool things like beating up chicks, lucky bastard. Sid Vicious and Perry Saturn end up taking out the Ric Flair rip off.

It turns out that Sasha was working out for the bad guy all along AND HOLY SHIT SID VICIOUS IS CRYING! Best part of the damn movie right there! Gordie’s Dad tells him his dream is stupid so he believes it and gives up like one minute later. They have these King Posse try out. Its just people with super awesome gimmicks but I guess the King is too original for Stan The Fireman. “I’m going to hose you down!” I mean c’mon, would you fuck with a dude who’s going to hose you down? No, you’d probably end up hosing your pants instead!

They’re having a Triple Cage match which is somehow more imposing than a Hell in A Cell I guess. So they have this match and Kings kicking some ass but then his Son turns on him. The faces come out but they can’t break the cage. Gordie rams a motorcycle through the cage door and the faces start kicking some ass! Gordie hits a spear. Gordie is wearing his police uniform and then Sasha comes out of nowhere to randomly talk to Gordie. Someone hits her with a ladder. DDP and King are on the second cage and DDP kicks ass, then goes up to the third cage. They’re fighting but then Page throws King off the top of the cage to the first cage. Sting runs on the wire thing and knocks off Page. Um, how is that fair? At all? If that’s the case than Sting could’ve just won the title. I think, I don’t know Gordie became part of this match and he wasn’t in originally. Page and King end up on top of the cage. Page is supposed to be the bad guy but King’s the one who constantly does low blows. King hits a scoopslam sending Page through three cages effectively killing him. King grabs the title for the win. Yeah, and don’t worry if that wasn’t enough for you there’s still ten minutes left in the movie. Aww yeah, baby! I can’t get enough of Ready to Freaking Rumble!

Gordie and Sean beat up the manager, then throw him into the crowd where they beat him up. Because that’s what responsible, setting examples for their children people would do, beat up a defenseless man. King makes Gordie his tag partner because he needs two straps I guess. End of the movie the store owner gets beaten up by Goldberg and Ric Flair rip off has a bubble bath with some prostitutes.

5.0/5.0 Absolute masterpiece of a film, it kicked so much ass its unbelievable. In between the great characters, the impossible to stay away from story, Nuns farting, Stan the Fireman, and Sid Vicious crying, this is well, the best movie of all time. You’re not a true wrestling fan till you’ve seen this movie.


 Caliber –

The Fink [I call him that because his last name is Howard. Ask me and for $4.95 I’ll give you a rockin’ nick name] gave you the blow by blow, so I’ll point out certain things I did and didn’t like, and give you a more standard film review.

First off, I want to say how proud I am to be a wrestling fan after seeing this film, as it shows it’s fans in the most positive of light. Countless times did my friends and I stand around the TV screaming at it, and punching the air while we screamed “PIN HIM!”. Not to mention the countless times that a dastardly higher-up caused me to break down in tears. I mean, allergies.

Alright, we know there’s a lot of bad in this film. DDP is suppose to be the bad-guy, but we’re not given any reason for him to be. He’s a guy who listens to his boss and does the job when asked. Jimmy King is a complete asshole who shows up drunk, never listens, and is a complete dick. So, we’re suppose to feel bad when he finally gets his comeuppance? Then we have Gordie & Sean who are guys in their mid-20’s and believe wrestling is 100% real. They have no idea that Jimmy King was legitimately screwed over. As far as they know, what they saw was all part of the show. However, they’re so upset over this that they feel the need to track him down and restore him to glory.

Are you kidding me? At 14 I never felt the need to rally up my friends & head to Texas to help Stone Cold get his title back from Kane. It’s ridiculous. Although Fink & I did hike up to the deep parts of Canada to convince the Mountie to get his IC title back from Roddy Piper. It’s been over 20 years, but I think we’re wearing him down.

Then, once they help King, they ambush DDP and the bad guy Sinclair sets up the rematch. Even though he fired Jimmy King. Because I guess contracts didn’t exist in 2000. Also, is the up coming match a real match? Or do these mortal enemies in real life still work out an ending together?

One of the shocking things about this film is there’s actually a few funny bits. One of them being when Gordie & Sean are talking to Jimmy King about his past accomplishments and 100% believing in them. Like when he had a broken neck but flew out of the wheel chair 2 weeks later to extract revenge. Oliver Platt was great as Jimmy King. It’s a character I’d actually like to see in a much better film.

A drunk Mean Gene was a high-light. So was Jimmy King stealing a candy bar from a beat-up old man. I also had a chuckle when WCW was playing in “New York Arena” which I assume was suppose to be Madison Square Garden, and they had a big “sold out” sign. At this point it was at least a year before they’d sold out anything. They must have really enjoyed indulging their fantasies.

Martin Landau was great, but that’s no surprise. How the hell he was talked into doing this role is beyond me. To see him do this and then watch Ed Wood a few days later is quite the contrast.

How on Earth would a 4 post massacre do anything? 2 of the guys are delivering head-butts to your shins. Dastardly, I’ll be uncomfortable for at least 5 minutes! Also, I find it rather cheap on WCW’s part that they didn’t even use a proper WCW World Heavyweight Title replica. It’s one of those $100 plastic ones.

For a non-wrestling fan, this movie would be absolute death. For a wrestling fan, it’s worth a watch because of how completely ridiculous and insulting it is. Plus, you get to see Sid cry. Always a plus.

*1/2 out of 5

4 thoughts on “Ready To Rumble – Caliber & Sebastian

  1. Five things you forgot to mention:

    1.The tag match before the “Sinclair screws King” scene involved Juventud Guerrera and Prince Iaueka taking on Billy Kidman and a maskless Rey Mysterio (the reason why WWE never re-released this movie). And much like modern day Rey Mysterio, he injured his knee on the set.

    2.Three of the characters in this film are based off the following real-life wrestling personalities:

    Jimmy King = Ric Flair
    Titus Sinclair = Eric Bischoff
    Sal Bandini = Stu Hart & Lou Thesz

    3.Bischoff had been fired from WCW in September 1999 prior to filming due to WCW being a financial and creative bust, but most of his influence remained. The appearing wrestlers, especially Diamond Dallas Page, were chosen by Bischoff, who would’ve had this quite sizable role as the main villain in this movie. Yeah, would’ve loved to have seen him, not Joey Pants.

    4.The scenario of Jimmy King getting screwed by Titus Sinclair was actually based on a real-life issue between Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair. In April 1998, Flair was fired from WCW for allegedly no-showing a taping of Thunder. By the end of the year, Flair was back in WCW after filing a lawsuit against Bischoff.

    5.”Sugar” Shane Helms and the late great Chris Kanyon did David Arquette and Oliver Platt’s stunts respectively, while Scott Caan performed his own stunts. Not to mention, Kanyon was also the fight choreographer for this movie.

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