“Young lady, you’re very proud of those, aren’t you? Thank you.”
That’s the statement that opens up the Nitro, as Mean Gene is in the ring, talking to a female in the audience who I believe just showed him some boobage. Gene says he’s got himself a guest, someone who’s been gone for quite a while. Kimberly first comes out, looking pretty good, to be honest. She says she’s the only one who could introduce this man, DDP. He comes out, wearing a jacket that I believe was made at the same store as Puddy’s 8-Ball jacket.
They recap Mancow getting beat up by Jimmy Hart. The announce team as they tell us the big news; Russo & Bischoff are back together, baby! Two guys who brought WCW to unheard of depths are bringing the goods. Get ready for the falling blood, Russo Mobile, and FUNB. Meanwhile, the announce team chatters on with this in the back round;
TAFKA w/ Paisley vs Mike Modest
TAFKA picked Mike Modest out of 2 other unknowns, and I believe he later becomes KiWi. For now, he’s wearing wrestling trunks that look like they belong to Fred Mertz. At one point, Chris Candido saunters out. I mean, he looks like he’s fumbling through a dark theater or something. At one point there’s interference, and Modest scores the win. Of course, it’s non-title, but TAFKA is still a pinch upset.
Mike Modest wins with…well, it’s like a backwards Tombstone, but Mike holds the guy’s head and drops him on his neck. He does it after about 5 minutes.
We’ve learned that Sid has put a $500,000 bounty on Hogan, so whoever takes him gets the cash. What’s the point of even moving this story forward if they know they’re going to reboot the whole company in two weeks? It’s a bummer too, because you know Hogan would be the one to collect the cash.
Ron & Don are interviewed. Don has a bad arm from having sex with Medajah. That’s what he said. It’s such a bummer imagining having sex with a girl who’s had sex with Scott Steiner. I imagine it being like getting hit by a truck covered in AIDS.
Ron vs Booker
It’s exactly what you expect. Jarrett comes down for the interference once Booker hits the scissor kick.
Ron & Don hit the H-Bomb, then Ron gets the pin at 2:10
Hogan comes out for an interview, then dares anyone to collect the bounty. Then, about 6 miles away, and 30 stories up, we see what appears to be a pixel of white. Hogan immediately recognizes this pixel as The Wall, and declares so. Hogan talks trash, Wall puts his hand in the air. This has to be the only time a face to face promo was done with both people in completely different states.
The Mamalukes & Disco vs The Yung Dragons
Not a bad match, really. Mamalukes don’t get a lot of credit for being a decent tag-team. Disco is Disco, of course, and The Yung Dragons are great as always. Afterwards Ron & Don attack the Mamalukes.
Jamie pins Disco after a leg-drop/splash combo, at about 4 minutes.
Team Package vs Sting & Vampiro
Seriously, Flair’s hair looks like he slept in a fucking dryer or something ridiculous. So, Flair & Vamp stay in the ring, while Luger & Sting battle all around the beach scene. Luger gets his face smashed into what I believe is chocolate. There’s some salsa too, I believe. On the way to the beach they use weapons like surfboards, flotation devices, and Luger is eventually pinned underwater. If this had happened during Russo’s future reign, you know, you just KNOW he would have popped up out of the water wearing a fake shark-fin or something and attacked Sting.
Sting gives Luger a piledriver into the wake and rocks the pin after about 4 minutes.
La Parka vs Meng
Meng hits the Tongan Death Grip instantly. Although you can clearly see he’s just grabbing La Parka’s la parka.
We’re then treated to Biff Naked’s video for their cover of Twisted Sister’s We’re Not Gonna Take It for the Ready to Rumble soundtrack. Yes, by the way, I will be reviewing the film for the website. You bastards better appreciate this.
Hugh Morris vs Terry Funk
This match of course doesn’t last long, but has one high-light. Funk slams Morris’ head into the turnbuckle like 7 times, then let’s go. However Morris’ head continues slamming into the buckle twice. Hugh hits the No Laughing Matter, but then Dustin Rhodes comes in to make a DQ of things.
All night they’ve been having the wrestlers give reactions to the news about Russo & Bish. I would have recapped them, but they weren’t interesting. I only mention it now because it’s TAFKA. The guy who NEVER talks, who, even in this show had Paisley talk for him is just sitting here chatting to the camera. It’s crap like this that sunk WCW.
Jeff Jarrett & Scott Steiner vs Curt Hennig & Buff Bagwell
Well, this is an action packed 3 minutes that completely sucks. I’m sorry there isn’t more to report. Buff acts hurt, so he can flirt with the chicks, who are deeply concerned, probably because of the fact he’s The Stuff. The ref goes outside of the ring, for what reasons are unclear, and that makes it so Jeff can hit Curt with the ol’ 6 string.
Steiner clamps an unconscious Curt in the Recliner for the win after about 5 minutes of…well, I don’t feel right calling it action. So, we’ll say after 5 minutes of horseplay.
Hulk Hogan vs The Wall
They do the typical Hogan match. But this time, both guys no sell. Hogan gets chokeslammed, but is back up. The Wall gets leg-dropped, and he’s back up. They brawl to the outside, Hogan goes nuts with the chair. Wall sets up a table, and once back in Vampiro brings the help. They knock Wall into the table, then go & grab chairs to even up the odds. Two guys with weapons against one dude laid out in a heap of table scraps. Sounds about right.
They rang the bell like 78 times, and I believe the match was a draw. Either way, I was the one who lost.
Over-view: Honestly, this may have been the best show I’ve seen since doing this nightmare. There were some ridiculous things, yes, but things felt cohesive at least. Matches never hit the negative rating, which is great. Plus the Spring Breakout setting was nice. Now, here’s the question;
Next week is a Nitro recap show. Where they’re going to show the best of the last few years, to remind folks of how great Nitro use to be. Yeah, they freely admit it sucks. So, do you want us to recap it, or jump straight into the Bish & Russo era? Let us know.