That’s right, it’s a SWERVE!
Instead of a WCW 2000 themed article, we’ve decided to pull a swerve once in a while and review something else. Right now we’ve got disc 1 of the new Falls Count Anywhere DVD, with 2 & 3 right around the corner.
We start off with random clips of guys beating each other up in hardcore matches and Jim Ross freaking out on commentary. Some people find the fire extinguisher spot to be kind of silly but if you got hit with real foam from a fire extinguisher it’d burn the shit out of your eyes. [Note From Caliber: Yeah, I often wonder where they get the stunt extinguisher, and what a bummer it’d be if there was a real fire and someone grabbed that by accident.]
Cut to Mick Foley hosting this. He talks about how you have to knock the snot, boogers, mucus, or whatever you could get out of their nose. Mick says this next match was pretty badass for its time.
1st Match: Sgt. Slaughter vs Pat Patterson Alley Match 1981
There’s no Ref and its no holds barred but who’s going to count the pin? The wrestler? Knowing Pat Patterson he’s probably going to pull out a giant thing of oil and grope Sgt. Slaughter and there’s nothing the Ref can do about it damn it! Pat comes out in a I love New York shirt and he just looks totally out of shape. Salughter comes out in a wife beater and green pants. He looks pretty out of shape too. [NFC: Yeah, I find it funny that not working out was the norm back then.]
Pat kicks the crap out of Slaughter. Then he goes to biting. They end up on the commentating table and Pat kicks Slaughter on it. Now Pat takes off his belt (heh) and, “Gives him a whooping,” according to Vince. Pat chokes him with it but Slaughter throws him over the top. Pat comes back in there and whips him with the belt. He starts choking him again but Slaughter pokes him.[NFC: …with his boner!] Now Salughter has the belt and barely touches him with it but Pat sells anyway. Now Slaughter puts the belt around his mouth. I’m pretty sure Pat was into that kind of thing. Slaughter chokes him for a while with Pat’s own shirt. Pat uses his momentum to send Slaughter to the outside. For some reason Slaughter’s sweating even though 100% of this match has been chokes and whipping. Sounds like a normal day with Pat Patterson.
Pat hits a scoop slam and hits a stomp off the middle. This is important because he has cowboy boots which don’t have spikes on them or anything and are supposed to be more dangerous than wrestling boots for some reason. He does the same thing. Then he bites Slaughter, they do a close in camera shot and you can tell his teeth arent even touching Slaughter. Slaughter comes back by using his Combat Boots! They’re more dangerous than wrestling boots because they’re used in combat! This match is pretty bad, Slaughter just kicks a couple more times. Then he throws Pat to the outside. I can’t really tell you about the space in between moves here but everythings happening really, really slowly and its taking along time for them to do moves, and the pay off is choking and biting.
So Slaughter brings Pat back in the ring but Pat fights back with punches and hits a catapult which was a big move in 1981. Slaughter is really busted open here. He’s just bleeding profusely. Pat is kicking his ass but Slaughter goes low. Holy shit, that’s a lot of blood. You know my uncle tried to convince me that the blood is just ketchup but that’s bullshit, I mean when exactly are they going to put the ketchup packets on?[NFC: Honestly, I’d rather cut myself any day than bathe in Heinz 51. Plus, someone would probably rib me and put mustard in the bottle, so I’d come out from under the ring looking like I got a Twinkie Bukkake] Anyway Slaughter hits Pat with brass knucks he had in his tights. Pat blocks other attemps and sends Slaughter into the corner. Pat takes off his boot and clubs it at Slaughter then slams his head right into the back of the post! Slaughter’s getting fucked up!
What was up with those super bright lights that leave imprints on the cameras that you only see in like 80’s-early 90’s wrestling? They must be really annoyning for the wrestler, I imagine they’re really hot and just make you sweat more. Anyway the Ref calls the match even though its supposed to be a three count that wins. Pat wins and Slaughter leaves.
2.5/5.0 Match was really, really bad but Slaughter got fucked up and it was pretty brutal for the time period.
2nd Match: Midnight Express w/ Jim Cornette vs Miss Lively and Boogie Man w/ Big Mama – Atlanta Street Fight – Starrcade November 28, 1985
So Lively’s a prostitue that’s a man dressed as a woman. Lively pulls out some powder from her purse and throws it at one of the Bobby Eaton. Bobby hides under the ring and Loverboy Dennis has a sleeper put on him. Nonny comes out of the ring with powder and throws it at Boogie Man. Yeah, fighting fire with fire! I love that the commentators didn’t bitch that it was evil either just because he’s a heel. For some reason the Express try taking off Lively’s pants but she has like another layer of pants underneath. They take out Boogie and team up on Lively. Jim comes in there and hits the prostitue with his rack. Heh, that sounded kind of funny. Boogie Man boogies up but Express take him down with a double clothesline. Bobby went up to the top for a frogspalsh but the prostitue hits him with a clothesline.
DUD That match was really bad, not even people who like brawls would’ve liked this.
They strip Jim down to his amazing heart underwear. I don’t see why that’s a bad thing, its just going to make the chicks want him even more.
3rd Match:Arn Anderson and Barry Windham vs Ron Simmons and Butch Reed w/ Teddy Playa Playa You’re a Racist and You’re Going One on One wit The Undertakeh aka DOOM! Street Fight – Starrcade December 16, 1990
Wow, we skipped a lot of years here. They really want to jump into the 90’s, fine by me, I can’t sit through another of those slow paced powder throwing terrible matches. As long as this DVD doesn’t include Al Snow vs Road Dogg from that on Raw I think I’ll be okay. Just thought I should mention that.
Simmons attacks Whindham and out to the stage ramp thing and hits him with a scoop slam. Arn starts hitting Ron with a belt. Huh, Vince is racist for letting this on a DVD! I figured that one time he said nigga right next to Booker T he was just trying to communicate with him. Butch Reed opens up Barry, hits him and works over the cut with a belt. Holy crap, I just realized who’s on commentary, Paul Heyman and JR! Into the ring as Whindham hits a scoopslam but misses the Trips knee. Arn goes in the ring and hits Butch with the belt. Arn works over Simmons on the outside with a chair.
Ron gets in the ring and hits Barry with a spinebuster for two. Reed in and he hits Barry with a knee, punches in bunches. Jim Ross keeps on saying that Butch Reed is Simmons and that Ron Simmons is also Simmons. anyway, Ron goes to the top but Barry lowblows him and hits him with a superplex for two. Reed with a shoulderblock off the top onto Arn. Barry hits a DDT onto Reed. Ron retrives the chair from Arn and hits him with it busting him open but only for two. Reed hits a piledriver on Barry and then chokes him. Arn backdrops Reed over the top and they start double teaming Simmons but Reed stops that and then Reed and Barry do a roll up but both guys arms are on the ground so its a tie. They keep on fighting after the match anyway.
4.0/5.0 Really good match, very fast paced and very hardcore.
Mick Foley talks about how sexy Cactus Jack is. Mick talks about how this next match is one of his favorites.
4th Match: Cactus Jack vs Sting Falls Count Anywhere Beach Blast June 20, 1992
Jack’s music is so bad here, just really, really generic 90’s music. Its kind of like the theme to the song of Spiderman Maximum Carnage but lamer. Then a dude starts singing but his voice sucks. What was up with WCW’s stages like Beach Blast actually having like fake sand on the stage? WWE should do that now. They could call it winter blast and have CM Punk wrestle the Undertaker in an icicle match or something.
Anyway the match starts on the stage as Sting hits a fame asser on the stage for two! Sting goes for the Stinger Splash but Mick dodges and Sting hits the ropes. Sting falls to the outside which is concert and Mick hits an elbow onto him. Mick hits Sting with a neckbreaker. Cactus goes for a sunset flip off the apron but ouch, how much must that of hurt? Sunset flip off an apron onto a concrete floor! Sting rams Foley into the guardrail and that would’ve been a DQ if its a normal match because Bill Watts was a dumbass. They fight into the fans and they actually have room to wrestle as the guards keep the fans back. Sting with a suplex on the concrete! Five minutes has gone by but it doesn’t feel like it, this match is kick ass!
Back in the ring Foley reverses a kick and hits a clothesline. then a headbutt and Mick’s kind of just awkwardly kicking him now. I think its because he injured his other leg and he’s trying to think of things to do which could be kind of hard with a throbbing painful leg. Mick goes to a body scissors and puts his fingers in Sting’s mouth. Sting Stinger’s Up but Mick hits him with an eyepoke and does a fucking clothesline that sends them both to the outside but Mick’s so badass he stands up! Wow, that was cool! Sting comes back with a clothesline. Mick picks up a chair, hits him in the tummy, [NFC: In the tummy? Did he get a boo-boo afterward?] then the back a couple of times. Bang bang! Sting hits a motherfucking backdrop suplex on the outside of the ring on a concrete floor with no fucking padding! Woah! He only gets two. Mick catches Sting as he goes for another splash and slams him on the guardrail. Look it didn’t work the first time Sting, maybe you shouldn’t do it a second.
Foley hits a piledriver but doesn’t get all of it because of his injured knee. He goes for an elbow but Sting blocks. Back on the stage and Sting summons his Bruce Lee, then does some Judo Cops. Sting beats the stuffing out of Foley with a chair, he goes for the Deathlock but they both kind of just fall off the stage. They get back up to the stage and mick hits Sting with a DDT for two. Sting comes back with a clothesline and goes to the top rope, then hits another clothesline for the win.
5.0/5.0 That match was kick ass! The only lame part was the ending but if you think about it it made sense. Sting went for both his finishers and they wouldn’t work so why do them again? This match was just non-stop kick ass.
5th Match: Randy Savage vs Crush Falls Count Anywhere 60 Seconds To Get Up match – Wrestlemania X March 20, 1994
I haven’t seen this match and I’ve seen like every WWE match so this probably sucks. Randy attacks Crush during his entrance even though Crush is supposed to be the bad guy here. Crush hits a pretty cool back breaker and then a sick press slam onto the guardrail for a three count. They have to be down for sixty seconds though. Mr. Fuji hits Randy with the flag after he get’s up and the Ref missed it. You have to make it to the ring I guess or the match to continue. So… is it falls count anywhere but the ring then? Crush puts Randy in a tree of woe and punches him a bunch of times. Oh shit Crush was just handled salt. King’s explanation is really funny. “Randy attacked him before the match so he couldn’t do his pre-match ritual, you know, sometimes he does it during the match.” Randy throws the salt in Crush’s face and hits him with the Macho Elbow but doesn’t pin him. He throws him to the outside, then pins him. Vince is all like, “Why don’t you pin hi…. oh wait you’re throwing him to the outside, that makes sense.”
Fuji tries waking him up but nothing will work damn it. Fuji throws water on Crush to wake him up and Crush makes it back in the ring with one second to spare. Randy chokes Crush on the ropes, but he comes back by hitting Randy with a backdrop to the outside! Badass! Randy comes back by slamming Crush’s fucking head into the post, then the steps! He clotheslines him into the audience but Crush comes back with a superkick. He sets up a piledriver but Randy backdrops him. They fight into the backstage arena. Randy throws Crush into some doors and are in an empty room, pins Crush for three. Randy ties Crush’s foot onto rope, pulls it up, and hangs Crush upside down. This is pretty heelish actually, King has a reason to complain. Now Randy is beating up Fuji because he is the greatest faceheel of all time and Crush can’t get out so he wins.
3.0/5.0 It was pretty good and did a good job of building suspense, you wondered who was going to win and it had some pretty cool spots.
Mick Foley says the difference between a street fight and a Chicago Street Fight is that it either takes place in Chicago or it has people from Chicago in it. Well does that mean I can have a Florida Street Fight right now with my pillow? [NFC: You having a Florida Street Fight with your pillow sounds like something somebody could get 10-15 years in jail for watching]
6th Match: Road Warriors vs Sting and Booker T Chicago Street Fight – Uncensored March 24, 1996
I think we’re either going to get a lot of stuff from the late 90’s or they really want to get to modern stuff. Booker T is in a purple singlet! Greatest thing ever. Road Warriors try attacking before the match but Sting’s there damn it! Sting gets caught with a boot. Hawk hits Sting with the ten punch. Booker T gets caught with a backdrop on the outside. Sting moves out of the way of a splash. Hawk throws Sting to the outside, Booker T with a scissors kick to Animal for two. Hawk hits Sting with some chops and a back scratch. Animal hits Booker with a press slam. Hawk brings Booker to the outside and Sting get’s crotched by Animal. Tony Schiavone makes the lamest joke ever, “That’s the Stinger Splash he didn’t want.” Booker with a piledriver on the outside but Hawk no sells it and takes out Booker with a clothesline. Sting slams Animal into the corner but Animal comes back with a clothesline for two. Booker beats up Hawk. Hawk chokes Sting, and Animal sluggishly throws Booker to the outside. I think Hawk and Animal are already gassed as they’re both going super slow.
Booker with an Irish whip and sends Animal to the guardrail. Hawk chokes Sting on the ramp outside. Sting just randomly leaves leaving Booker T. Sting comes back with a chair and hits Animal. Sting hits Hawk with it, Animal get’s ahold of the chair and takes out both guys with it. Two on Booker. Booker hits a side kick and Sting hits a piledriver but Hawk no sells. He hits Sting with a powerbomb. This match was getting a little too exciting as Hawk puts on an armbar. Booker T is choking Animal on the outside of the ring. Hawk brings Sting into the fans and punches Sting around.
Hawk and Animal beat up Booker T with a chair. Hawk goes for a piledriver but Sting backdrops him. Has anyone ever actually hit a piledriver on the outside of the ring? Ever? [NFC: Yeah, Funk did it to Flair during their I Quit match] Sting comes off the top onto Hawk and hits a shitty clothesline kind of to the side of Hawk. Animal goes up to the top and Booker shakes the ropes like the Ultimate Warrior about ten times before Animal realizes he’s supposed to be crotched and then he gets crotched on the rope. Sting and Animal do a double shoulder block spot and Sting’s head falls into Animal’s balls. Heh. Animal is back up in about ten seconds and does an exciting choke with his boot in the corner! I think the only reason I haven’t fallen asleep is because I’m drinking Pepsi and I just drank Tabasco sauce which burnt my lip which kinda hurts right now. This Ref seems to have a stupid redneck accent. The only cool rednecks are Jason from True Blood [NFC: What are the chances that the second I read that sentence, I’d not only be watching True Blood, but Jason would be on the screen] and AJ Styles.
This match is really dragging on and you can really tell that Sting and Booker are carrying this match. Stiker [NFC: Is that a mix of Sting & Booker, or a raging typo?] take out Road Warriors in the ring. Sting crotches Animal. Jeez, Animal’s crotch has taken a lot of damage to his groin in this match. I’m sure Hawk kissed it and made it all better. Okay, that was a bad joke but I’m not taking out because nothing has happened and that joke is still better than this match. A lot of nothing happens, anyone want to know how to make a perfect sandwich?
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=sandwich [NFC: I actually don’t find that article very funny at all.]
Hawk is beating the crap out of Booker and instead of Sting doing anything about it he just keeps the chinlock on. Sting comes off the top but Animal throws Sting and pins him for two, it doesn’t work so he tries a bunch more times by holding his hands down. Yeah, because that always works. I think Animal is just gassed. To prove my point Sting does a double clothesline spot and they lay around a bit more. Meanwhile on the outside Booker is carrying Hawk. Bunch of chops by Booker, chops by Hawk, I really want Booker T’s purple gloves. I wonder if Booker T likes Michael Jackson. Booker hits Hawk with a superkick inside the ring but is too tired to get up for some reason. Why, Booker’s barely been beaten on in this match and he just danced before the superkick. Dancing isn’t something I do when I’m exhausted. Hawk gets up and goes to the outside, takes out Sting with the chair. Booker tries jumping to the outside but Hawk catches him with the chair.
Sting leaves the ring to retrieve a weapon and grabs two brooms. Yeah, because if I was in a fight with two indestructible guys who were so insane they thought they’re animals and I could pick any weapon I’d pick a fucking broom. I mean dude, you couldn’t have just gotten a chair from under the ring? Warriors end up using the brooms but then Booiner [NFC: Again, a mix? Or were there times when you typed this article with your face?] fight back. Booker T just leaves as tired of this match as I am. Animal is following Booker backstage and Animal’s panting and shit. Animal accidentally hits Luger and then Stevie Ray comes out of nowhere, then they all team up on Animal. Even Jimmy Hart get’s in on the action. They ko’d Animal and tied him up to a pole backstage. Now its just Sting and Hawk. Sting goes for the Stinger Splash on the outside that never hits and misses. Booker comes back and throws Hawk into the steps. Back in the ring and Booker hits a sidewalk slam. Booker goes up to the top but misses a 450 splash. Stevie Ray comes down to the ring and hits Animal with a chair, Booker T wins. Phew, I couldn’t sit through any more of this.
DUD This match had its good moments but then it just dragged on and on. Middle of this match they were just randomly going inside and outside of the ring doing random crap. There was no flow, everything just seemed random and lame. By the time you get twenty minutes into this match you’ll end up making a plea bargain with God to just stop the damn match already.
7th Match:Nation of Domination (Farooq, Savio Vega, and Crush) vs Road Warriors (Hawk and Animal) and Ahmed Johnson – Chicago Street Fight – Wrestlemania 13 March 23, 1997
The NOD get’s these rappers singing some random song about how they’re the boys in the hood. [NFC: That’s PG-13, they were actually a tag-team too] I like the NOD’s rules here, one nation under Farooq and justice for absolutely nobody. Oh shit, the Road Warriors are in this match? This is going to suck so badly. The Road Warriors bring an actual kitchen sink to the ring which is kind of funny.
They brawl to the outside and Ahmed sends him and Crush into the fans which Vince calls taking it to the streets. Hawk tries to hit Savio with a 2 x 4 but he misses in the corner. Animal hits… well you can’t really call it hitting the move as Animal hits the shittiest piledriver ever. He was doing it on a table and before the move hits he slides off the table and Farooq still sells it. Hawk puts a trashcan on Savio Vega’s head and does a clothesline. Johnson does a scoop slam to Farooq through the French Announcing Team. A fire extinguisher ends up getting used. Eh, Animal is really out of shape here. Animal hits Farooq with a parking sign. Savio pulls a nightstick out of his ass and hits Hawk with it. This match is just so bad, its…. God help me, its making me want to go back to reviewing WCW 2000.
Hawk uses the fire extinguisher on everyone on the NOD minus Farooq who Ahmed is setting up for a powerbomb. The rest of the NOD attack in suits. The Road Warriors take them out and win by hitting Crush with a 2 x 4.
DUD Just random people hitting each other with whatever they could find for like twenty minutes.
8th Match: Steve Austin vs Bret Hart Street Fight Raw – April 21, 1997
We cut to Austin in the ring and Austin’s waiting it out in ring. Bret’s music comes on and Steve’s still waiting. Bret walks Undertaker style to the ring aka really slowly. I wonder what Bret Hart actually puts in his hair, does he just grab a giant can that says grease and then put it in his hair? Bulldog and Owen come from behind Austin and attack him. They take off Austin’s shirt because they’re jealous that it was better selling than Bret’s pink one. Shawn comes out and takes out Bulldog and Owen with a chair. He chases them to the outside.
Austin’s still injured from the attack and Bret hits Austin with a legdrop. Bret with a punches and kicks in the corner. Bret punches Austin around and hits him with a piledriver. Bret goes to the outside and nabs a chair. Back in and Bret puts Austin’s leg in a chair but misses a stomp off the top. Austin back up with a chair shot to the leg. Now Austin hits the leg with a chair and kicks around Bret. Austin just works over the leg with the chair for a while and then hits the sharpshooter. Refs comes to the ring and tell Austin to let go of the sharpshooter. He doesn’t and this goes on for a while. This seriously goes on for like two or three minutes. I have to know if this DVD was actually watched by the people who made it or if they just looked at the matches and thought, ooh this looks good.
Anyway, Raw goes to a commercial break and we come back with Bret injured and Owen plus Bulldog bitching that Austin broke Bret’s leg. Cut to a random outside place and Gorilla Monsoon is yelling at Austin and telling him to get out of the building. Why wouldn’t Gorilla have security escort Austin out of the arena? Because we would of opened a can of whoop ass on them, that’s why! Another ad break because Nitro must’ve had something really bad on.
Back and Bret’s in the ambulance, Steve’s in the driver seat and is all like we’re going straight to Hell and then hits Bret’s injured leg. And the disc is over, thank goodness. [NFC: I remember watching this episode live, and it was so violent, my mom had to tell my little brother that it was all predetermined.]
Final Words: That last scenes great for TV and if you’re watching old episodes of Raw for whatever but it just seemed out of place here. Most of the matches on this disc are just bad and the only match worth watching is already on the Mick Foley DVD I believe. Next up is Attitude Era, and ECW. Of course John get’s to review that while I had to do this, what an ass.