I know, you probably thought this site had gone the way of Russo, in that we started with something but then…well, oh, hey, check that thing out over there. And ninjas are kidnapping folk.
But that is not the case. Naturally, as I always do, I’ve put too much on my plate. With Str8 Gangster, coming up with stuff for Blog of Doom, getting back to writing for Friday The 13th Films.com, and writing my book, I just don’t have the time to also watch Nitro and write for this site. Sebastian has also been busy, because he’s just a busy dude. But I’m cracking the whip, and we’re back to weekly updates now. I promise. Sebastian will be at the helm for the next couple of updates, with me dropping in on his reviews and offering notes. So, thanks for sticking with us, misery loves company. And ninjas are kidnapping folk.
March 3rd, 2000
By Sebastian Howard
We start out with a brawl between Vampiro and Finlay and then cut back to the ring.
1st Match: Kaz vs Psychosis
Juvy-Juice and Psychosis are heels because they’re Mexican and have an accent I guess [Note From Caliber: Don’t be insensitive. They’re not heels because they have an accent. They’re heels because they aren’t white]. Kaz dropkicks them to the outside of the ring and then hits a splash onto to both. Dropkick by Kaz and Psycho begs into the corner. Kaz slaps him, then runs into a boot, but comes back with a spin wheel kick. Juvy-Juice brags about his Juice and Kaz gets all mad because he doesn’t have any Juice. Psycho comes back with a pancake suplex and then a dropkick from the top. Snapmare into a pinfall for two. Who the fuck pins someone after a snapmare? Snapmare doesn’t do anything, seriously, the fuck? [NFC: I don’t know. These days I’d take a pin after a snapmare than ‘Randy goes for RKO, guy shoves him away, guy does move to Randy, tries another move, Randy spins him around, ducks a punch, then hits RKO’ that we see for every match of his]
Finlay and Vampiro fight into the ring in the middle of the match because whenever someones fighting someone else in real life they fight for five minutes and move to other places. Psycho with a rana from the top rope for two! Kaz comes back with a German suplex off a whip. The Artist comes down with Sharmall and sucks on his finger. [NFC: Usually the Artist saves the sucking for in the ring. AH HA! Take that, Prince! *points to groin* in yo’ face!] Kaz gets caught on the way down from the top rope with a drop kick. Psycho hits his finisher which is a Guillotine Leg Drop from the top. Artist hits Psycho with the belt as the Ref is distracted with Sharmell. Kaz instantly revives which pretty much kills Psycho’s finisher and then rolls him up for a win.
2.5/5.0 Kind of spotty but still a pretty good match, would’ve been better if they focused more on the fucking match but instead they kept on cutting away to Prince and Juvy-Juice for no reason.
Jeff Jarrett and Heavy D will wrestle Sid Vicious and Vampiro. Big D sounds like a pretty scary dude! [NFC: Is it Big D, or Heavy D? If it’s Heavy D, well, that’d be interesting.]
Vampiro and Finlay finally (he, Finlay, finally, neh) get broken up backstage by security. Jeff talks about how great Big D is. And the Mamalukes hype up their match for Uncensored against Harris Boys. You know Vito’s serious here because he took off his hat! Cut to Vampiro who’s being a bitch backstage and throws stuff all over the place.
We cut to some asshole talking about Nitro parties. [NFC: They were before your time, but Nitro Parties were a HUGE deal. People use to send in their videos of, well, them watching Nitro and having a party for it. They looked like a lot of fun, to be honest.] Oh great they’re having one in Florida and its promoted by such great things as Tracphone, a cellphone organization that I don’t believe still exists today. [NFC: It does. I have one] They show clips of the fun they had at the Nitro party and its basically one of those stupid places you go to with a bounce thingy with straps and you like, race people. I’m horrible at describing things but [NFC: the hell you say!]… it has nothing to do with wrestling or Nitro and doesn’t look that fun at all.
2nd Match: Vito vs Ron
Vito is from the Mamalukes and Ron is from the Harris Brothers. Ron hits Vito with punches as Vito comes back with an armdrag and the Italian-American Kick (as Mark Madden calls it, its just a super kick). Ref gets distracted and Heavy D (Don) runs in there and KO’s Vito for the win. The Ref sees the replay though and declares Vito the winner… who cares? [NFC: I always hated that. They use that “ref sees the replay” crap when they see it useful. If that were an actual rule, the cheating would be pointless, because they could watch the replay on the big screen] It’s a pointless hype match. Anyway the Harris Brothers put Vito in handcuffs and then H Bomb (pick them up and throw them on the mat together which is somehow supposed to hurt more than a regular backdrop suplex I guess) the other two members of the Mamalukes. Harris Brothers throw some security around so the cops come and then they leave. Cut to a clip of Thunder of The Wall throwing Crowbar through a table.
DUD Match was about forty seconds long.
Harris Brothers are getting arrested because wrestlers always got arrested for beating up security right? [NFC: In TNA the security guards just become wrestlers to snag some pay back.] Jeff’s scared because Big D’s not going to be there for the main event.
3rd Match: The Wall vs David Flair
Wall throws David to the outside and scoopslams him on the outside. Wall sets up a table…. and then sets up another table. Wall kicks David… and then slams him on the outside… again. Then he stacks two tables under each other even though the fucking floor hurts more than the tables anyway and two tables would just pad it more. Wall starts stalking Daffney so David hits Wall with a crowbar [NFC: he hits her with the wrestler? or an actual crowbar?]. David’s fucking stupid so he stops to taunt and Wall recuperates and chokeslams David through two tables. David acts like he just got Alien Acid in his face and Daffney screams a lot. Yay. Arn, Curt, and Terry come down to the ring and Curt bitches that Flair isn’t there.
Replay of that stupid chokeslam three or four times and the commentators act like its death even though the Hardys have done crazier shit in one match and gotten back to wrestle. Then the most humorous thing ever happens, we cut backstage to Bam Bam bitching at Wall for doing what he did so Wall hits him once and then Bam falls into a random table and just stops moving.
4th Match: Keragias vs The Dog
The Dog just attacks all three members of Three Count as The Dog was Finlay’s and Knobbs mystery partner and of course Evan Keragias is part of Three Count. It turns into a giant brawl and after a minute it turns into the one-on-one match. The Dog bites Evan and then hits him with a throw thing.[NFC: and you said you weren’t good at describing things!] The Dog sends Evan to the outside. Finlay throws Evan into the guardrail. Finlay throws Evan into the ring. Dog kicks Evan. This match is so bad and The Dog’s move set is so limited its pathetic. [NFC: Well, he is a dog, after all. My dog can’t suplex someone, so neither can he.] He’s trying to make up for his lack of moves by biting and taunting a lot. Evan comes back with a kick and Three Count try coming in but Finlay takes them all out. Evan goes to the top and Knobbs crotches him even though he’s the face and The Dog hits a slam off the top for the win.
DUD Evan wasn’t that bad but the Dog was and he dominated about 99% of this match.
Flair, Luger, and Elizabeth are backstage and Lex is getting interviewed by Mean Gene. Luger says he’s going to beat Sting, Flair says his son’s old enough to watch out for himself and then we cut to Jarrett being a bitch, as he tells his hookers to grab his things aka his one guitar and then leave.
Nitro girls dance and we cut to Sid and Vampiro, Sid gets Vampiro to come out with him.
Jeff comes out to the stage with the Sluts, Jeff tells them to leave and go back to his dressing room so of course they do. Mark Madden says he’s going to fuck them later, yeah I’m sure you are Mark. Jeff says anyone backstage would be happy to wrestle with him. Jeff’s tag partner is The Wall. Okay, honestly that was pretty smart, they built the Wall as a badass for the entire year and now he’s in the main event scene, that’s actually some good booking by WCW and I kind of want to see Sid wrestle The Wall (can’t believe I just typed that). [NFC: Me neither. Did you have a stroke, man?]
Those Hollywood Cunts find the Demon’s Casket and are going to fuck with it but no one cares because up next….
5th Match: Ric Flair vs Curt Henning [NFC: Ah ah! See! Someone else who thought Curt’s last name was Henning. For years, and YEARS I thought it was Henning. Turns out it’s Hennig. Who knew.]
Yeah they had this match like one week ago but it doesn’t matter because its Ric Flair vs Curt Hennig and if they did this every week I’d be happy. They show Flair whipping Vampiro, so shouldn’t Vampiro be going after Flair? I mean what could Finlay possibly have done that’s worse than strapping him? Also Vampiro and Finlay aren’t even fucking feuding and they’re both supposed to be faces too.
Flair has a mic and says two things are going to happen tonight. Flair says someone like him will never cum (not sure if I spelled that right) [NFC: WHAT ON EARTH?] and then makes fun of their football team.
Perfect brings Flair into the corner and hits him with chops. Back body drop. More chops but Flair hits him with an eyepoke. Flair throws Curt Ziggler through the top rope. Perfect throws Flair into the guardrail and hits him with chops and punches. He puts Flair on the table and hits him with chops. Boo! Go back in the ring and wrestle. As if Flair can magically know what I’m writing twelve years later. He throws Curt back in the ring. Curt suplexes Flair back in the ring. Flair kicks Curt in the balls and then kicks at Perfect’s legs. Curt does the I’m going to grab the ropes so you can kick my leg thing. [NFC: Love that spot] Flair kicks the leg a couple more times. And a couple more times. Back to the outside and Flair throws Curt to the outside. Flair with chops. Back in, wow, this match kind of uh, sucks. Maybe placing these guys in the same match consecutively was bad idea…. Back outside, inside, Flair works over the leg some more. Figure Four by Flair. Now just wait for Perfect to reverse……………………………………………………………………………………………………… and finally. Flair of course lets go, wow gee this match is so unpredictable. Curt with a backslide for two and then Curt just stands there waiting for Flair to do something. Well that’s awkward. Flair goes up to the top and gets caught. I know, shocking. Luger comes AGAIN*!
*See last issue for more details, also check out Spawn 11 written by Frank Miller and the new Batman Court of Owls book
Curt hits the Perfect Plex for the win.
2.0/5.0 Bleh, they didn’t work as well as last week probably from just running out of ideas. Same shit with WWE in 2009, I mean obviously having CM Punk wrestle Jeff Hardy nine hundred times and Cena vs Randy Orton like forty times a year plus an hour long Iron Man match was just a great idea.
Anyway they attack Curt after the match and put his hand on a chair, smash it.
Hollywood Cunts are screwing around with Demon’s casket. Demon catches them but Hollywood Cunts put a carpet on Demon and the beat him up, then leave. Wow, these storylines are just so damn good.
Cut to stupid part with Three Count dancing to really shitty music and looking really, really gay. Then again this was 2000 so I think looking really, really gay and loving bad music was cool. See, nothing changes in twelve years*.
*See Justin Biber and Spawn issue 8 written by Alan Moore.
6th Match: Lane w. Idol (Hollywood Cunts) vs Norman Smiley
Oh my God, all these entrances are so fucking generic you have no idea who’s who from them.
Norman is wearing a Michael Jordan jersey for the home town. They do some roll up stuff and Lane sends Norman to the outside and hits a nice senton. Alright this is just so horrible, Norman comes back with one move and stops to do a bunch of crotch chops. This show is just so bad, I need a break or else I’m going to kill myself so if you read this late you know why…. oh wait its STACY FUCKING KEIBLER! She starts dancing on the table for about five seconds and then Norman wins the match and dances after Demon runs down to save him from the Hollywood Cunts.
Sid yells some incoherent shit into the microphone and then whispers some incoherent shit into the microphone, and then laughs. Cut to Tank Abbot bitching backstage. [NFC: Oh, man. Sid vs Tank? I want to see that in the way you want to see your friend squeeze infection out of a wound or something. You know?]
Tank Abbot goes into the ring and says he’s not leaving the ring because he’s a little bitch and is mad because he lost to Sid Vicious. Mark tells Tony to go kick Tank’s ass. You know, in real life he probably could.
Well La Parka comes down and of course he’s going to get his ass kicked because WCW sucks and hates anyone with real talent. Tank beats up La Parka like I said in like ten seconds. Boo! La Parka would kick your ass in a shoot Tank. Meng comes down to the ring because WCW thinks that a fat Samoan dude is more dangerous than Tank. The officials won’t let Meng come down to the ring even though Tank won’t get out of the ring, what kind of sense does that make? Officials make him leave and then Tank just leaves…. what a waste of fucking time.
Talking about a waste of time here’s the Nitro girls. Oh what am I talking about, these Nitro girls have made more sense than anything else on this show. [NFC: The Nitro Girls are because of Sable. Seriously. Sable was so popular they had to bring in, what, 8 women to try and compete with 1.]
Hogan cuts a promo that makes no sense. [NFC: You sir, are a liar]
7th Match: Billy Kidman vs Stevie Ray
At first when the Harlem Heat music came on I thought it was going to be Booker T and got all excited. [NFC: Ha] Then Stevie came out and I knew this match was going to be a carrying fest. Then Stevie brings out Big T and that other giant dude. Yeah because Stevie needs two others dudes against someone he’s like two feet taller than. Kidman says he has someone to back him up and ITS BOOKER FUCKING T! Fuck yeah! Booker T kicks the shit out of everyone because he’s Booker Fucking T! Now its a tag match so….
7th Match: Booker T and Billy Kidman vs Stevie Ray and Big T
Stevie Ray comes back with a Sheamus kick. Big T in and Stevie Ray ends up outside, Booker hits Book End and Kidman hits a frogsplash. He has the match won but then the Big dude Taz, or Kaz or something takes out the Ref. Big T hits something that the camera doesn’t catch and pins Kidman for the win.
DUD Match was way too short and Stevie and Big T are just really, really untalented so that may be a big thing.
A Dustin Rhodes match next? Fuck!
Commercial for Top Gun on my torrent for some reason, it sucks, don’t let anyone tell you differently. [NFC: atta boy!]
8th Match: Dustin Rhodes as the” Badass Redneck” (I’m not joking, that’s his fucking gimmick) vs…..
Dustin grabs the mic and says he beat up Terry Funk and Terry kept on getting up. Dustin says Terry is stupid and cares about what these stupid people think. Dustin says the fans are ungrateful. He then makes “inside” references calling them marks and internet freaks. He’s going to rap around barbed wire around Terry’s head or something.
Terry comes down to the ramp so I guess they’re wrestling.
8th Match: Dustin Rhodes as the” Badass Redneck” (Still his gimmick) vs Terry Funk
Terry comes down to the ring with a bag and says he has Dustin’s illegitimate brother in it. Cody Rhodes? Nope, its just a turkey. He says he’s fat and his ass stinks just like his Daddy. Terry says if you strap it on I’ll strap it on (ha) but Dustin hits Terry with some powder and hits a botched piledriver. This show is so bad. Another piledriver that he doesn’t botch (I clap) but Terry comes back with a punch and then scoop slams Dustin onto barbed wire. Dustin runs away…. I don’t think that counts as a match but whatever. [NFC: WCW used rubber tipped barbwire. Dusty also told Sandman that he should always be wrapped in it]
Main Event: Jeff Jarrett and The Wall vs Vampiro and Sid Vicious
Brawl to start and Sid brings Wall to the outside. Vampiro with kicks to Jarrett. Sid is beating the shit out of Wall with random stuff on the Commentator’s table. Sid kicks Wall around. Sid throws Wall in and tags in Vampiro even though he and Jeff Jarret were just the legal men and that just changed without a tag. Jeff knees Vampiro and Wall clotheslines Sid. Mark Madden says that Vampiro is Sting, and I have a theory that Vampiro is Sting and we are all secretly Vampiro*. Vampiro gets the semi-hot tag to Sid. Sid hits Jeff with a backbreaker, then knocks Wall off the apron and then hits the legdrop. Chokeslam by Sid for one as Wall breaks it up and Sid acts like he was stabbed in the back. Well I guess one punch from Wall can kill BamBam Bigelow. Sid clotheslines Jeff to the outside, then runs into a choke from Wall. They’re fighting over a chokeslam but Jeff hits Sid with a guitar and Wall chokeslams Sid. Jeff covers him for the win. Wall also chokeslams Vampiro on the apron in a pretty sick spot.
1.5/5.0 Match was really, really short which sucks because of all the build up it had. The match was very rushed due to this and you could tell as they didn’t really have time to work up the hot tag with Vampiro thus losing the bulk of the match. The match was good wrestling wise but it was just so damn short and feels very anti-climatic after an hour of build up.
Final thoughts: Show was lame, it wasn’t even fun to watch. It was boring, Flair vs Perfect wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be, the main event was a disappointment, and the best match on this entire show was a freaking spot fest. Well, it can only get worse from here. I just can’t wait for them to ruin Buff Bagwell by making him a heel.