[Note From Caliber: Hey dudes. Sorry it took so long for the update. I’ve been really busy with my book, Str8 Gangster, and my other endeavors. Sebastian will explain his absence too. So, basically, it was just a perfect storm of being busy. I promise I won’t let it run this long again without an update. And without Stacy]
Sorry for not reviewing WCW for the last two weeks, last week it was my birthday and Sunday, when I usually review these all my family members were over and the Sunday before that I was at WrestleMania. Anyway I’m back and I’m torturing myself just for you!
So we get a shot of Tank arriving to the arena in a motorcycle and some dumb fans actually chant for Tank. We cut to Adamdale interviewing Jeff Jarrett and Mike basically points out that Tank is wrestling Sid Viscous for the title tonight. Jeff says slap nuts.
We cut backstage to two guys telling Stacy to go away. Um, I don’t think a guy would ever tell Stacy Keibler to go away.
The Mamalukes vs Lane and Idol
Lane and Idol are two guys with big sparkly jackets. I don’t know who is who as the only time they’ve even showed these people were backstage and the commentators never took the time to differentiate and STACY KEIBLER!!!!!!! Stacy Fucking Keibler goes to the commentating table. Disco bitches about it for some reason. Stacy says she should be a manager. I… would describe more of the match if A) I cared about it and They didn’t keep cutting from the match. I’m going to just differentiate between the two guys by mullet and blondie… and then Stacy Keibler starts dancing on a table. Okay, Idol is the blonde one and he has the match won but no one cares. Johnny comes back with a kind of Edge DDT for the win.
DUD The match was barely focused on and it was used to service a stupid angle but Stacy Keibler’s hot.
After the match Stacy goes in the ring and dances with the Mamalukes plus Disco Inferno. Then the Harris Brothers attack the Mamalukes and Stacy leaves the ring. The NWO music comes on afterwards and its really funny because the fans look down the ramp waiting for someone to come out because they don’t know that Harris Brothers are part of the NWO.
Commentators talk about matches that are happening later tonight. Sid vs Tank and Jeff Jarret vs Vampiro. Then they talk about Kevin Nash and Tony says that Sting’s going to be here but Madden doesn’t buy it. Buff Bagwell is hitting on Elizabeth backstage as he brags about how buff he is. Elizabeth turns him down, what!? If I was a chick I’d be drooling all over Buff. Actually, I already do.
Hogan does a promo while probably on cocaine. Hogan talks about he was speaking to a coffin and the coffin spoke back and then say he’s going to destroy Flair’s flesh with a strap, also smoke is going to come out of Hogan’s nose. Then he whips the ground with his belt a bunch of times and we cut to Mean Gene.
Mean Gene’s in the ring and he does Flair’s intro. Flair comes out with Lex and Elizabeth. For some reason Flair’s wearing a leather jacket making me wonder if Flair was a bully in highschool or if he practiced cutting himself. Some drunk chicks shake their tits in the screen. Back to the ring and Flair yells Hogan a bunch of times and then yells woo. Flair’s dead because Luger is four percent body fat and then Flair woos a couple more times. Luger talks about how Sting doesn’t have it anymore as I zone out because of how boring Luger’s promo is and just watch my Sister play Super Nintendo Spider-Man Maximum Carnage. Luger wants to have a match with The Stuff because he hit on his Wife. Pssh, nothing can get back the greatness of the DDP/Buff Bagwell feud. Mr. Perfect (yay) starts to stand up for Minnesota and tells Luger to lose the Mr Perfect hair cut. Mr Perfect says if he can’t beat Flair… something about being butt naked next Monday. Um, I’m rooting for Perfect.
Booker’s getting interviewed and Booker lost a match because this guy cheated on Thunder so he’s mad and he’s going to take out his steam on Kidman. We get back from the break and Tony got a phone call that says Sting is going to be here. Madden still doesn’t believe it.
Mean Gene has an interview with Jarrett and Jarrett calls Gene slap nuts and slappy.
2nd Match: Bookah vs Billy Kidman w/ Torrie Whoreson
This match should be good if it doesn’t have some stupid angle where Booker’s so mad he gets DQ’d or Billy Kidman botches a bunch of things.
Booker brings Kidman into the corner. Clean break, so much for the DQ idea, yay! Electric chair by Booker and a whip, elbow to the head. Whip but Kidman dodges a clothesline and does a cool reversal off the shoulders into a roll up. Booker reverses a whip with another whip and gets the scissors kick but Torrie distracts Booker and then the Harris Boys come in for no fucking reason and take them both out. Kidman and Booker get their asses kicked but the camera focuses on Torrie because she fell off the apron and hurt her fucking foot. Oh boo-hoo. She doesn’t even do a good job of selling it, she just grabs her foot as Tommy Young looks at it for injury.
The new Harlem Heat talk about how Booker’s a soft ass. Arnold S. was at some weight lifting show and there’s this guy with huge fucking arms. Commentators say he’s twenty eight inches. Well that was… informative.
Three Count are dancing again. Brian Knobbs comes out with a crate of weapons so I’m guessing that there’s going to be some kind of match.Mark Madden bought ten copies of a WCW magazine because Brian Knobbs had a centerfold. Um, that’s kind of lame. Three Count challenge Knobbs to a hardcore handicapped match for the title.
Madden: Oooh, a hardcore three on one, I’d knew one day we would see it on TV.
I’m not sure if that was intentional or not but its funny. Knobbs beats up the entire Three Count with a bunch of weapons. Knobbs sets up a table and sends Keragias through it. Gives time for the other two members of Three Count to recuperate and Shannon Moore hits Knobbs with a crutch and they dogpile Knobbs for the win.
DUD Pretty horrible match and it was really short too.
Finlay and Knobbs said that they’re going to have a mystery partner and they’re going to have a six man tag on Thunder.
4th Match: Norman Smiley vs Dustin Rhodes
This is going to suck. Dustin looks really gay here, he’s wearing these gay leather pants that gay people wear and this big black shirt, he looks like a male stripper.
Anyway, there’s a lot of punching and Norman sends Dustin to the outside. He rams Dustin into the apron. Back in and Dustin hits an uppercut and chokes Norman. Norman comes back with a scoopslam and then, “Does The Wiggle.” Dustin fights back and they fight to the outside. He presslams Norman into the guardrail. He whips Norman into the steps. Back in and Dustin hits a clothesline from the top.
DUD This was nothing but punching.
After the match Dustin grabs Norman’s football helmet and hits Norman in the balls with it. This is some good story development says Ted Ferra.
5th Match: Jeff Jarrett vs Vampiro
Note: I started this review last Sunday and was going to finish it but my Brother had to do homework on the computer so I had to get off and I’m finishing the review today.
Jeff into a side headlock and they do a reversal sequence that Vampiro ends with a shove. Spin kicks from Vampiro and he goes up top but misses a corckscrew moonsault. To the outside and Jeff pressslams Vampiro onto the guardrail. He throws Vampiro back in and comes off the top with a crossbody but Vampiro rolls through for a two. Vampiro goes for a rama that Jeff reverses into a powerbomb. Whip into the corner by Jeff, punches, and then a clothesline for two. Sleeper by Jeff but Vampiro reverses with elbows but Jeff reverses with a backdrop suplex. Vampiro back up and he hits a kind of Rock Bottom. Vampiro into a roll up but Jeff holds the ropes. Ref kicks Jeff’s hands away. Harris Boys come in and takes them out with kicks. However Jarret is back up and goes for a scoopslam but Vampiro reverses into his finisher which is a kind of driver. Jeff punches Vampiro from behind and gets a two. For some reason the bell ringer rings the bell. Match continues. Vampiro with a backdrop suplex but he misses a guillotine legdrop and Jeff hits the stroke for the win.
2.5/5.0 There wasn’t really any selling as they just kept on getting back up but they had some nice drama leading up the to the end and it looked like Vampiro could’ve won.
We cut to Disco Inferno with the Nitro Girls in some club. There’s some dude with CM Punk hair and a bunch of tattoos, he talks about how Three Count pick up all the chicks. Disco thinks he can pick up more chicks and he says he’s going to show Three Count how to dance. This is going to be the best thing ever.
Back to the ring and the Nitro Girls are dancing and David Flair runs in there and starts dancing. David does the worst dancing ever and Daffney’s in the ring with a crowbar. She’s mad at David for dancing with the girls. So he kisses her feet, and then start making out.
6th Match: Artist Formerly Known as Prince Ikeau vs David Flair for the Cruiser Weight Championship
Crowbar is on commentary and does some, actually really good commentary so of course Mark Madden calls him crazy. He’s basically talking about how great each competitor is before the match. David dances and Crowbar calls is a Greco Roman step. David does some punches and throws Prince to the outside. Daffney yells in Prince’s face. Prince back in with punches in bunches. Legdrop and an Angle Slam to David. Crowbar says on commentary its time to turn this into a pier six brawl and throws Prince off the top rope. Daffney chokes Sharmell on the outside of the ring and we cut back to the ring as Prince wins the match.
0.5/5.0 Match sucked but Crowbar’s commentary was funny.
Sid is injured backstage and there’s a broken guitar right next to him. Mean Gene says he’s not going to be able to wrestle. Sid starts yelling but pauses because he’s “woozie.” Sid says he’s going to beat up Jeff Jarrett at Uncensored. So Jeff Jarrett wants to wrestle Tank Abbott, the UFC fighter over Sid Viscous?
7th Match: The Cat vs….
The Cat tells them to turn off the music. Then he talks about James Brown and how tight he is with him. The Cat makes fun of the crowd for being fat and redneck. You can’t see The Cat’s eyes because he’s wearing this ridiculous pimp hat. The Cat shows like two seconds of James Brown dancing from the ppv. Then The Cat decides he has to dance so he starts dancing in the middle of the ring. Okay, so The Maestro has to listen to any music The Cat picks for him so his hot valley Symphony has a boom box and impromptu match.
7th Match: The Cat vs The Maestro W/ Symphony
Cat beats the crap out of Maestro but he goes insane because of how bad the music is coming from the boom box and the Ref gets distracted for no reason. Maestro hits The Cat with the boombox and wins the match.
Lex Luger can’t find his bat.
8th Match: Ric Flair vs Mr Perfect
Yay! Lock up and Flair whips off but Perfect comes back with a shoulder block. Lock up and Flair brings Perfect into the corner. Perfect comes back with chops. Flair begs off into the corner and then runs at Perfect so Perfect throws him over his shoulder. Perfect works over Flair’s legs. Flair comes back with an eye poke. Chops in the corner but Perfect reverses with more chop. Flair Flop over the turnbuckle. Flair goes to the top which ends with a slam off the top by Perfect. Perfect with ten punches in the corner. Chops by Perfect and Flair reverses and whips Perfect into the Ref. Perfect with a Perfect Plex but the Ref’s dead. Luger comes in for no reason and beats up Perfect and Flair. Perfect goes to the outside and gets a chair. The Ref stops him from using it which leads to a lowblow from Flair for the win. Then Flair whips Perfect with a belt.
3.0/5.0 You’ve gotta be kidding me, a match I was looking forward to and they fucked it up by overbooking it. The match was technically solid until the end.
9th Match: Lex Luger w/ Elizabeth vs Buff The Fucking Stuff Bagwell
Lex hits some knees and goes to a side headlock. Shoulder block by Lex but Buff comes back with a dropkick and then does the coolest dance ever! Lex throws Buff to the outside and comes off the apron with an ax handle. Ha, I wrote that before it actually happened and I was totally right. Lex throws Buff into the guardrail and then throws him into the table. He chokes out Buff’s Stuff (throat) with a cable. Lex throws Buff The Mother Fucking Stuff into the ring. Elbows by Lex inside the ring for two. Lex hits the Steiner Recliner but Buff’s The Stuff and he starts coming back but Lex comes back by sitting on him. Buff starts fighting back with clotheslines but Lex comes back with elbows. Buff dodges a blind charge in the corner and Buff hits a splash in the corner for two. Flair comes down to the ring and attacks Buff but Buff takes him out and hits a jumping DDT on Lex. Flair hits Buff on the leg and Lex is DQ’d.
2.5/5.0 Eh, match was okay till the end and the crowd was really into Buff. Sting comes in there with a baseball bat and hits Lex with it a couple of times. Lex and Flair run away as Sting and Buff celebrate in the ring.
Main Event: Sid Vicious(C) vs Tank Abbot for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
Tank comes down to the ring in a motorcycle. Sid has a lot of tape on his ribs. Tank hits Sid and hits a front face guillotine choke thing and yells, “He’s going to sleep,” a bunch of times. Tank punches Sid to the outside. Sid back in and Tank hoists Sid over his shoulder and slams him down. Tank pulls Sid’s hair because he’s a badass a I guess. Chinlock while sitting on Sid’s back to apply more pressure. Sign says, nice beer gut Tank. Tank brings Sid into the corner and Sid does a lot of disturbing panting. Tank punches Sid in the ribs some more and then punches Sid down. Tank takes time to talk shit to the fans and Sid gets back and goes into a crossface which Tank taps to.
DUD That’s the match that we’ve been building up to all night? It really sucked and involved a lot of punching. Hell that was a John Cena match, Sid got beat up throughout the whole thing and then comes back with one move to win.
1.0/5.0 The entire show was really bad with all three “main events” ending really fast or being heavily overbooked. There’s not anything to really watch here, but Flair/Perfect was pretty good, plus Jarrett vs Vampiro and Buff Bagwell vs Luger were both decent.