Jeff Jarrett opens up the Nitro, saying he was screwed and he’s going to show everyone what his nWo is all about. I could not be more bummed about this.
Gene is in the ring, and is ready to interview Hulk Hogan. I could not be more bummed about this. Instead, Luger’s super boring music hits, and I’m left to wonder how on Earth they were able to justify Elizabeth getting a cool $100,000 a year. Anyways, Luger comes out and once again reminds us all that he’s been at 1% bodyfat for 78 years. He also lets us know that Hogan is doomed, and we then find out via Gene that they’re due for a cage match tonight. However, Luger finds this unsatisfactory and is rather upset.
Double J comes out to reiterate the whole being screwed deal.He also lets us know his nWo is going to make some people pay.
We’re treated to footage of Kidman looking for his camera.
Kidman vs Lash
Well, any chances one might hope of this being the only decent match of the night is thrown out the window, as Ron & Don hit the ring and beat the hell out of both of them. Now, I’m not kidding when I say this, I’m truly not, the fucking time keeper rings the bell EIGHTY-ONE FUCKING TIMES. EIGHTY-ONE TIMES. So goddamn annoying I was trying to figure out a way to swanton-bomb myself to end the misery. I have since found that it would be easier to jump up my own ass.
We get a GTV moment called Kid Kam, and we find Buff Bagwell getting insulted by a female. The more embarrassing part is he’s wearing FuBu.
Vampiro vs Finlay
Again, you aren’t getting much. They trade a few punches, and Vamp wins with a roll-up out of nowhere in about 2 minutes. Finlay doesn’t dig this, so Vamp gets a tombstone. *
Booker vs Big Vito
Matches goes a whole two minutes before Ron & Don come in and ruin the whole shebang. Now, the time keeper, wanting to break his previous record, rings the bell ONE-HUNDRED AND FIFTY THREE TIMES. This is absolutely no joke. Not even in the slightest. He honest to God rang that fucking bell 153 times. I mean….it’s stunning how annoying and flat-out stupid someone can be.
They tell us to order the replay, so we can find out Piper was up to. Then, a few minutes later, they just flat out tell us. Beautiful.
We then see Madusa freaking out because she wants a Woman’s Division.
WCW Cruiserweight Title
Prince [C] vs La Parka [10 seconds]
La Parka comes out, but has a massive rack. It’s nice to see they’ve recycled the originally awesome bit where DDP did the same thing. OK calls bullshit, and unmasks Madusa. La Parka comes out and smashes OK with a chair, then drops it to do his awesome strut. Well, Prince grabs it and nails Park with it. He hits the Jumping-DDT and that’s it. Man, thank God we didn’t get a match.
We now get one of my favorite clips of all time, where Ric Flair is standing with Lex as he uses his resistance bands. Ric starts yelling about how Hulkamania is dead, and it’ll never run wild again. He then says to Lex “Tell’em Package!” who just continues to work-out, Flair then repeats himself “C’mon Package! Give it to’em!”. Luger, being an idiot, is still working-out, so Flair gives up and just tells him to “Show’em Package! You’re ripped!” at which point Luger stops working out. Fantastic.
Funk & Rhodes vs The Harris Brothers [about 4 minutes]
This match is going about as good as you’d expect, just before Sid runs out gets hit with a guitar via Jeff Jarrett. Double J then runs to his car, drives off, only for Sid to hijack an ambulance and give chase. Awesome. Well, we come back to the match as Rhodes is beating the shit out of Funk. Why wouldn’t he? DUD
Sid comes out for an interview, and here’s the gist:
– he says something at a normal volume, then screams the last few words and throws up his hands
– Jeff Jarrett cannot be the “master of the master” or the ruler of the world, because Sid will see Jarrett in hell, and hell is UNCENSORED TWO THOUSAND
Buff Bagwell vs The Maestro [3:00]
You’d think that 3 minutes isn’t really enough time for something awesome to happen, but you’d be wrong. Buff goes out to lay some charm on Symphony, yet, unbeknownst to him The Maestro is right behind him. In order to maximize the surprise, The Maestro puts his hands in the air, then makes a scary face before charging Buff, who just side-steps the whole ridiculously stupid ordeal. Buff hits the Blockbuster and we’re good. The Cat comes out to do some mocking, which then forces Maestro to put the ref in a sleeper.DUD
Bam Bam vs The Wall [3:58]
Man, I know full well that I’ll be watching The Wall pushed until the end of WCW. I could not be more bummed about this. The match is short, as The Wall attacks before Bammer can reach the ring, and they trade the upper hand until The Wall hits the chokeslam while Bam is on the 2nd rope. *
We then get a nice clip of Hogan smashing his broken hand against a fence while he screams “LUGER, LUGER, LUGER!”.
After this riveting scene, we get the classic ‘arena darkens as the cage lowers’ bit. This worked in 1983 when things like cage matches were a brutal deal, but after things like TLC matches, and Hell in a Cell, the ol’ cage match just doesn’t have that special meaning anymore. Well, in order to get us real geared up, Hogan gives a promo where he talks once again about snap, crackle & popping Luger. He also says the deal with cage matches is that “one man enters, one man leaves”. I would absolutely not put it past Russo to have a guy face himself.
Hulk Hogan vs Lex Luger [About 11:00 or so]
So, Jimmy Hart is at the Kraft Service, when Luger & Flair come walking around looking for trouble. They beat the hell out of Hart all the way to the cage, when just then The Hulkster makes the save. So, the match starts, and then it never really ends, to be honest. They brawl, and eventually Flair comes back out and gets in the cage. They proceed to beat the hell out of Hulk, he eventually gets the better of the two, and then they eventually get the better of him. Doug Dillinger runs in, and gets his hand busted for his good deed. A few other officials try to save Hogan, only to get the beat down as well. Nitro then goes off the air, just as I was actually getting into all of this. *
OK, this was, surprisingly, a terrible show. There was only one match that went above 5 minutes, and it didn’t even have an ending. Two of the other matches had run-ins that resulted in the fucking time keeper ringing the bell a combined total of 234 times. I mean….I’m speechless. Absolutely incredible. Besides all that, we did get two great moments in the Flair/Luger interview, and Hogan smashing his arm against the fence. I could not be more bummed about this.