Monday Nitro – February 7th, 2000

Man, Daffney just needs to know about Caliber. We’d get along like gang busters, and then we could make out. I’d take a chokeslam into tacs for a shot to make out with her. I have a feeling she’d do the same to make out with me.

We open the show with a recap of last Nitro, as well as Thunder. Sid goes through another a Triple Threat Theater. I’d like to add that this is the 3rd TTT in less than a month. I find this odd, because Russo never does anything overkill.

We’re then given a shot of the nWo sitting in a room, going over some evil deeds. Of course, the technical people have screwed up, because we can also hear the guy in the ring vamping the crowd.

3 Count is in the ring, trying to sing to their music. Evan says to hit the music, despite the fact it’s already playing. Then the music starts to slow down, then speed up, then slow down. We then see that Norman Smiley is in the truck, messing with things. Oh snaps. You see, the joke is on us though, because hearing this music getting messed with is really annoying, and they continue the bit for quite a while.

Norman Smiley vs Evan Karagias
Norman’s been on a tear, having defeated 2 out of the 3 members of Three Count. He’s looking to make the full monty tonight. Honestly, there isn’t much to talk about, because it doesn’t go on for very long at all.
Norman rolls up Evan for the pin in 2:20. *

The nWo then hit the ring, and bring with them a couple of paintings of an artist’s interpretation of chlamydia . No, wait, I’m sorry, the paintings are in fact “nWo babes”. Yikes. So, the Harris Brothers have basically nothing to say, and then Scott Steiner goes on his infamous shoot promo where he bashes Ric Flair. For his roaring unprofessionalism, he’s suspended. With pay. Oh, and he’s told it’s one of the best promos of the year, despite the fact the prick was stumbling over his words like an embarrassed 8 year old. The fact that Steiner hasn’t been the first person to choke to death on oxygen is amazing to me. For those who haven’t heard it, here it is…

Am I the only one who thinks that Scott Steiner’s son is probably afraid to bring any girlfriend’s over to the house, because his dad then parades around with body oil, and telling the girl “you need be wit a real man! Look at dat bicep, baby! Liggest arm in da worlds baby! This guy don’t have shit! HE’S FAT! I make roof…make you hit the roof with…LARGE ARMS, BABY!”?

Anyways, besides Scott stammering like the moron that he is, Double J says that Scott Hall faces Sid for the title tonight. Basically as a way to soften up Sid for Double J at SuperBrawl 2000.

Booker vs The Wall
Booker comes out to what sounds like 50’s sitcom theme music. He also doesn’t get any pyro. Fire belongs to Stevie Ray, although strangely he has no heat. OH SNAPS. The Wall is one hell of a crappy wrestler, and does nothing to disprove me here with this one. Clarence Mason, who I believe is known as Biggs or something like that now, comes out with a bunch of cops and says that Booker must be arrested. Naturally, Book is distracted.
The Wall hits the chokeslam and gets the pin in 4:39. *

As Booker is hauled away in cuffs, Tony lets us know that this is the first time anyone has been arrested on Nitro. Well, obviously the times that Goldberg was for stalking Elizabeth, and Nash for using the powerbomb don’t count.

Barbarian vs Tank Abbot
Tank punches Barbarian and he’s out in 1:11. DUD

Seriously, what the HELL is the point of this Tank crap? He doesn’t even fucking pin the person! Well, at least we’re gonna get the Leather Jacket on a Pole Match with Big Al. So I guess it’ll all be worth it.

Thank God, Oklahoma is here. Apparently, he’s facing a dead horse. And my oh my, he’s beating this dead horse far worse than I’ve ever seen one beat. He lets us know that he’s in charge of the women’s division. He then brings out Madusa’s DR, who tells us she’s had a ton of plastic surgery. Madusa comes out, and proceeds to beat them up. I can only hope this leads to a Triple Threat Theater or something.

I Quit Match
David Flair vs Terry Funk
Before hand, Funk gives Flair a chance to quit, which Flair doesn’t seem to want to do. See, he says he doesn’t want to do this, but will because it’ll teach his father a lesson. It’s not so much of a match, to be honest. It was nice to see Flair not act like a moron, which at the same time is obnoxious because why can’t he remain in character? Either way, it’s nice to see him get multiple pile-drivers on concrete, and then a pile-driver through a table. Which is a REAL pile-driver through a table, not like that lame-ass one that Funk did to Flair in ’89. I understand things like that didn’t happen. But it wasn’t even a proper pile-driver, and the table didn’t break, they just sort of tipped over. Anyways, like I said, there’s no real match here. Flair gets a few blows with a chair, but he just gets the living crap beaten out of him, until people come down to help, and the match just stops, really.
*

Disco Inferno vs Stevie Ray
If you add up all the time spent on wrestling for this show, I honestly think it wouldn’t even break 15 minutes, and this doesn’t help either. Stevie Ray executes the work-rate of dick, before putting us all out of our misery.
Stevie hits the Flapjack for the pin at 2:22
DUD

Sid informs us if he sees the nWo “misshin” around like a monster, ooh, a 6 headed monster, then…well, that’s sorta it, really.

Hardcore Title
Bam Bam Bigelow vs Brian Knobbs – Finlay special guest ref
They throw a lot of crap into the ring, hit each other with it, and that’s about it. They really aren’t giving me a lot to write about tonight. Although Finlay does double cross Knobbs, so there’s that.
Finlay hits Knobbs with a chair, Bigelow gets the pin and the title at 3:03. *

KISS Demon vs Kidman
I’m shocked that after the wild success of the KISS Demon, we didn’t get the Aerosmith Dude Who Looks Like A Lady or something to that effect. But I’m still shocked Russo didn’t turn the Mamalukes into a 50’s singing band so he could call them the Doo-Wops. Anyways, this probably gets honors of best match of the night. After Kidman wins, Crowbar runs out and pummels him. The timekeeper doesn’t dig this, and proceeds to ring the bell THIRTY-TWO TIMES. That is no joke. Crowbar then bows a bunch to the Demon. I am beyond shocked that this wasn’t beating Raw.
Kidman with the Top Rope Frankensteiner and the pin at 3:20. *1/4

Lex Luger comes out with a chair that is branded with the Hulkamania logo. Luger goes on to say that he’s the greatest, as well as the future of pro-wrestling. Hell, who in their mid-40’s ISN’T the future, really? He says that when he gets Hogan in the rack, he won’t be laughing. When he breaks his back, he won’t be laughing. When he breaks his arm, he won’t be laughing. He knows Hogan isn’t in the building, so he wants to send a message to Hogan, via his best friend, Jimmy Hart. Jimmy comes out, tells Luger that more people see Hogan check his mail than go to a WCW show. Huh. Well, of course the message that Luger wants to send isn’t verbal, it’s a rack. He isn’t laughing.

WCW World Title Match
Sid vs Scott Hall
They wrestle for about 30 seconds before the ref gets bumped. Jarrett runs down, helps Hall beat up Sid. As Double J walks away, Hall hits Sid with the Edge, and goes for the pin. Double J doesn’t like that, so he hits Hall with the guitar, and puts Sid on top. The ref counts 3, and there we go. Jeff tells the nWo, you’re either with me, or that bitch. They don’t censor bitch, but they censored “butt-sucking”. OK.
Sid gets the pin in 6:39

OK, when we first started this site, the episodes were the worst wrestling on TV I’d ever seen. Now? It’s the most boring. Sure, things make a little more sense, but they’re SO FUCKING BORING. In a 2 hour show, there was less than 20 minutes of wrestling. Not that I want more, because none of the matches even broke *1/2. One month down, only….eleven more to go.

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