4 limos pull up into the building. Kevin Nash is in one, Jarrett in the other, Steiner in the 3rd, and who’s the mystery man in the 3rd? Scott Hall, ladies & gentlemen! Why on Earth do they need a limo per person? Are they going to require their own separate rings for themselves and their opponents when they wrestle?
Crusierweight Title Tournament
Psychosis vs Kaz Hiyashi
Before I get to it, they’re having this tournament because Oklahoma relinquished the belt. So he remains UNDE-FUCKING-FEATED. If I were with WCW, I’d quit on fucking principal.
The Juice comes out with Psy, and we’re all stoked to hear him rip off The Rock. I seriously don’t get this. Black Machismo, I got that. But this? It makes literally no sense, and no one is going to like it. Well, at least it’ll be less than a year before he smokes PCP and goes crazy in an Australian hotel. There’s a funny little spot where Psy revs up to boot Kaz in the face, but Kaz just sort of lays down, so Psy gives the attack to Kaz’s boot.
Psychosis rolls up Kaz after about 4 minutes. *
The Wall vs Kid Romeo
Well, The Wall hits the chokelsam then the pin in short time. DUD
Kevin Nash has announced that there’s a $15,000 bounty on Terry Funk. I don’t get it. He’s not challenging for any title, he isn’t the Commissioner. Why waste the money? Does Nash put the bounty on his dry cleaner too?
We cut to the nWo, and it’s Scott & Scott, the Scotts, if you will. It’s the Scotts & Jarrett sitting in a room with some real attractive women, so attractive in fact I was wondering when Harley Race circa 1979 had joined the nWo. Anyways, the “girls”, say they want to see “blood & guts”. So, the guys call 3 rookies from outside, and asks them who wants to have a try out! They’re all eager, but a man named Al Greene gets it. Unfortunately it isn’t the R&B singer. One of the other fellows is Christopher Daniels.
Norman Smiley vs Shannon Moore
There’s a guy in the crowd with a sign reading King Korn Carn, and that’s the highlight of this episode. The two end up battling to the outside, where for some odd reason Shannon Moore goes for a cover. Not to be outdone in odd moves, the ref starts to count the pin.
Norman clams on the chicken wing submission at about 5 minutes. *
Al Green vs Tank Abbot
Tank hits Al with a right, but instead of pinning him he just walks out of the ring while the ref counts to 10. Al Green doesn’t get to his feet in time, thus loses. What the h….YES! It’s Big Al! That means we’re so close to the Leather Jacket on a Pole match, and Tony Schiavone’s greatest blurb ever.
The Cat comes out to dance. He assures people that he’s gonna whip some other people. Most folk don’t know about the greatness that was The Cat. In 1998, I believe, he was fantastic. Sonny Ono was his manager, and he’d always talk about being a 3-time world karate champ, he was awesome.
Bam Bam Bigelow vs Terry Funk – Hardcore Match
Bam Bam is out to collect the bounty, baby. Of course, it’s never really said what one must do to collect it. I’m shocked that Russo didn’t want to have Bam Bam literally kill Terry Funk, as to have wrestling’s first live snuff, and then go on a tirade against the oppressive TNT censors, and how because he can’t murder a man on live TV, WCW can’t win the ratings war.
Funk hits a head-butt on Bam Bam, that honestly looks more like he’s kissing him. Near the end, Knobbs & Finlay come out for no reason, and pummel on Bam Bam. Funk places a chair on himself right as Bam Bam executes a flying head-butt.
Funk with the pin in about 10 minutes. *
Sid vs A Harris Brother
OK. So Sid wants to be champion. Nash does not want him to be. Nor does anyone else. Well, Nash sets it up that they’ll meet tonight for the title, but before Sid can earn that right, he must face Jeff Jarrett. But Jarrett still can’t wrestle. So now he has to face a Harris Brother. This is actually quite the typical WCW cluster-fuck, that I’ll explain at the end of this article, with an excerpt from The Death of WCW.
Sid hits a powerbomb and pin in about 6 minutes. DUD
Kidman vs Vampiro
Not a bad match, actually. Probably the highest rated match on Nitro in quite a while.
Kidman hits a top rope Frankensteiner for the pin in about 8 minutes. **3/4
They show David & Courtney Arquette in the audience, enjoying Nitro.
They shoot to the back where Vampiro is being interviewed by Mean Gene, but there’s no sound.
Lex Luger vs Booker T
The match is as you’d expect. Afterwards, Sting’s music plays, as a figure appears at the entrance to point a baseball bat.
Luger hits the Rack for the submission in about 3 minutes. DUD
Gene is back with Vampiro, as he tells us that he believes the WWF may have sabotaged his mic. Vamp then tells us about how great WCW is, and he wants a rematch.
Flair & Crowbar come out with super-hot Daffney and jack the announce booth. Ugh.
WCW Tag-Team Title Match
Hardcore Soldiers vs The Mamalukes
It’s about what you’d expect. Ms. Hancock, David Flair’s real life girlfriend, comes out. She’s mighty hot, but honestly, Daffney is a lot hotter.
Vito hits the DDT on Finlay for the pin in about 8 minutes. *
WCW Title Match
Kevin Nash vs Sid
Nash comes out first to cut a promo. He doesn’t say too much worth mentioning, other than the powerbomb is outlawed. My guess is that he’s too lazy to use it, and too afraid to take it from an oaf like Sid. Tony talks about how the last time Nash powerbombed someone, he weighed over 500lbs. Except earlier they were talking about he powerbombed Terry Funk about a week ago. They try and do as little as possible, so the crowd is going dick. Sid gets put in a sleeper, and the ref does the 3 arm deal. Sid’s arm drops 3 times, but then he lifts the other. Isn’t that a loss? I mean, you can’t lift your shoulder after a 3 count, right? Well, Sid can. The ref is bumped, so Sid goes for the powerbomb, resulting in Jarrett running in for the guitar hit. Sid grabs it, and instead hits Nash over the head.
He then lays down, and as the ref gets up, Sid acts like Nash hit him. For this to work, Charles Robinson would have had to have fallen into a pool of acid, eyes first. Because Nash is sprawled out like he’s making snow angles, COVERED in guitar debris. So, Sid does the ol’ switcheroo, and it means nothing because the ref does nothing. Sid gets the pin, and hooray. We have a new champion as confetti falls.
Sid with the guitar hit in about 10 minutes. *1/4
Yeah, it’s a terrible show. There’s crappy wrestling all over the place, and things that don’t make any sense, but honestly, it’s LEVELS above the last show I saw. Quite a drastic improvement. Now, let’s get into what happens with the WCW Title, since we don’t recap Thunder. This is taken from The Death of WCW…
“…During the Sid versus Don match, Don switched places with his twin brother Ron. Sid pinned Ron. During the commercial break, however—and keep in mind, this was therefor not seen by fans at home— it was announced that Sid had beaten the wrong guy and had to return to beat the right one. He didn’t return, so he was counted out……Anyway, since this happened during the break, on TV they pretended that it had never happened. So in the main event, Sid got his title shot against Nash anyway in the most horrendous match since, well, the last time they had a horrendous match, which was at Starrcade the month prior….After all this went down, it was announced on Thunder that Sid had, in fact, pinned the wrong Harris twin. So, nash ruled, he [meaning Nash] was the champion. He then signed a new main event, himself and the Harris Twin That Sid Did Not Beat [that would be Don…well, we think] versus Sid in a cage match for the title. He made sure to note that the only way Sid could win the belt was to pin both himself [meaning Nash, though by this point we wouldn’t have put it past WCW bookers to have Sid actually pin himself] and Ron. Sid managed to beat both Nash and Harris, thankfully putting an end to perhaps the most nonsensical and convoluted story line in the history of pro wrestling…”