We get a recap of the previous week’s Thunder. The nWo kidnapped Arn Anderson, who is Commissioner Funk’s right-hand man, and proceed to beat the hell out of him for the night. In retaliation, Terry Funk kidnaps Double J in exchange for Arn Anderson, and by Arn Anderson he apparently meant a match with Bret Hart. Kevin Nash then says that his match with Funk at Souled Out will have the Commissioner of WCW title on the line. Mid-way through the match, the ref is taken out. We cut to see a beat-up Arn Anderson putting on a ref shirt, in order to help out Funk. Smash-cut to all of a sudden David Flair wearing the shirt, and running out there. Then Funk get’s a powerbomb through the stage, and that’s Thunder. Naturally David would have wanted to help Arn, since he beat him up the previous Nitro.
We open up to see Funk heading out of his limo, followed by Team Buy-Rate which consists of Arn Anderson, Paul Orndorff, and Larry Zybysko.
Dean Malenko & Saturn vs Konnan & Kidman w/ Rey Mysterio
The deal here is that The Revolution [Dean, Saturn, Asya [Asia is bigger than China!] Shane Douglas] dislike The Filthy Animals [Kidman, Konnan, Rey Mysterio] thus they are fighting. The match is Texas Tornado [that’s the term for it when I played No Mercy]. Anyways, they’re fighting for about a minute when David Flair & Crowbar make their way down with superhot Daffney for the interference. Since it’s a no-rules kinda match, there’s no DQ, and since it’s WCW, David & Crowbar are suddenly participants in the match. Mean while, Dean & Saturn take Mysterio, who isn’t in the match, over to a table, and Saturn leaps off of a balcony and crashes on top of Mysterio. So, since Saturn is hurt, David runs over for the pin. Now, Douglas, who’s part of the Revolution, is literally about 6 inches from both of these guys and is just staring at them in disbelief like he’s caught in a mime’s invisible box. He makes no attempt to break up the pin. So, David gets the pin, and there we go. About 4-5 minutes of wrestling, and the last you’ll see of it for about an hour.
We then cut to the announcers, Tony, Mike, and The Brain [he must have been so sad to be involved with this crap]. Tony informs us that this is the part of the show where they give us the night’s rundown, except they don’t know what it is. They say it’s because Funk is “booking on the fly”, but I believe that this is a cover-up for basically the same shit that happens ever week.
We get a segment where we find out that it’s Scott Steiner’s birthday, and for his birthday the nWo got him a few transvestites. These women[?] should all get Oscars, because they act as if they just can’t wait to get naked with the Big Bad Booty Daddy. Honestly, I can’t decide who I’d be less happy to have sex with, because these women look like they were carved out of hepatitis.
Oklahoma comes out, and 11 years later I can still find JR being mocked on my TV. So, he comes out and talks about how women should be in the kitchen, and proceeds to talk about The Honeymooners, a show at the time that was 50 years old. I can’t wait until he starts making jokes about Medusa having been in some of Bob Crane’s videos or something. So, he puts out an open challenge to any women out there, which is really awesome he’s letting us know it’s 1975. Asya comes out, and they wow the crowd until OK hits Asya with a bottle of BBQ sauce. Medusa comes out, and get’s hit in the head with the bristles of a broom for her trouble. The bristles of a fucking broom. She sells it like the bristles were loaded with a Buick Le Sabre or something. I would be shocked all to hell if I ever find ANYONE who says that this angle caused them to buy a ticket, or a PPV. That they just HAD to see Ed’s fat, asinine, obnoxious ass wrestle a woman for the Cruiserweight Title.
Ah, well now it makes sense as to why they had that segment, it was to calm the crowd down before the action really starts! With a rockin’ FIFTEEN MINUTE promo.
Funk comes out with Team Buyrate, whom he dubs The Old Age Outlaws. Each guy gets a turn on the mic, because this show was life or death if we didn’t get to hear 4 promos from guys who’s prime’s enabled them to buy BETA-MAXS for the whole family. Mr. 1derful points out some dudes in the front-row that he says is from his Power-Plant. I recognize the soon to be Kiwi, Chuck Palumbo, and Elix Skipper. I can only imagine that the gimmick of Kiwi, and Billy & Chuck wasn’t what those two had in mind when they signed up at Paul’s school.
OK, they run their mouths for a really long time, just going on about God knows what. The nWo comes out, and they trade barbs. Funk tells Bret that he has to wrestle Nash tonight for the title, and they have to go full tilt, or they’ll be suspended without pay. Both guys say they don’t care, and they’ll take the suspension. It’s always nice to see passion. Funk says he’ll lose the belt if he’s gone for a year, and that does it. It’s nice to think that Bret thought he’d just be sitting at home for a year as the Champion. Funk tells Double J he’s going to have three matches tonight, with three mystery opponents, with each match being different – a wrestling match, a hardcore, and a cage match, and Chris Benoit is the special guest ref. Well, Big Poppa is up, and they literally censor every entire word of his promo. This was one of the worst, if not the worst, promo segment I’ve ever seen in my life.
Well, I’m glad that’s over. So now let’s get into…another interview segment!
Mean Gene is here to introduce the two. He says “this next young man is truly the stuff! Diamond Dallas Page!”. DDP apparently think that Buff Bagwell has been sleeping with his wife. They show us a few clips of them arguing with Buff denying it vietmanly. DDP says they slept together, Buff says they’re just friends. That’s that. So, what do we get now? A segment where they stand in the ring and talk, and can’t hit each other for 5 minutes, or they’ll be fined. DDP says they slept together, Buff says they’re just friends. DDP says they had sex, Buff says they’re just pals. DDP says Buff stuck his penis in Kimberly’s vagina, Buff says amigos. After 5 minutes, DDP finally punches Buff. Good God. It was pretty impressive that they were able to take about 25 seconds of material and stretch it out to 2 seconds.
Double J vs ???
Alright, it’s go time. Double J comes out and anxiously awaits his opponent. Funk comes out to introduce what individual he’s got for Double J, and it’s….George “The Animal” Steele.
Double J vs George “The Animal” Steele
George hasn’t aged since I last saw him, he still looks 70. So, it’s a hardcore match. Double J takes for ever to get in the ring. The Animal eats the turnbuckle, Double J then smashes him with a guitar. Arn sneaks in, hit’s him with the Spinebuster, then Benoit pulls Steel over Double J and counts the fast three. First off, it’s really awesome to see George Steele getting a victory in the 2000’s. Also, it took 3 fucking people to beat Double J. Are you kidding me?
Stevie Ray comes out to explain that Booker T & Midnight are suckers. Booker T & Midnight come out to dispute this fact. Stevie Ray slaps Booker, and they agree to a match at Souled Out.
Double J vs ???
Funk tells us that this next guy is a former WWF Tag & Intercontinental Champion. For some odd reason I think it’s Tito Santana, and it’s…
Double J vs Tito Santana
Well, I’ll be damned. So, it’s a Dungeon Match, which means you can’t touch the floor. Honestly, I can’t dump on this too hard, because Tito still has the moves, and they could have actually had a pretty decent match if this wasn’t WCW. Well, a football player who Double J was giving shit before the match comes up the apron, at the same time Larry comes up on the other side to talk to Benoit, thus letting Mr. 1derful come in and piledrive Double J. He puts Tito on top of Double J, and Benoit hits the fast count. OK, so that’s FIVE GUYS and a fast count it took to beat Double J. I mean, this literally makes absolutely no sense.
Tank Abbot comes out, and apparently he’s been beating up Doug Dillinger. You know that WCW higher-up with a beard you’d see now and again? Well, he comes out, and Tank tells Doug he can get a free shot. Doug takes it, Tank beats him up, then Jerry Flynn comes out and kicks Tank in the head. Tank sells it for half a second before getting up and smiling. None of this was explained.
Double J vs Super Fly
All night the mystery guys would show up in a car, and the camera would cut right before the reveal. Well, they screwed up and showed us Snuka. So, this is a cage match. They fight for a minute before Orndorff and Zybysko come in to even things up a bit. So, all 4 guys, Snuka, Benoit, Paul & Larry lay into Double J. Snuka climbs to the top of the cage and leaps onto Double J, Benoit follows suit with a flying head-butt. Both of these moves injured Double J, and he was out for a while. Thus screwing up the PPV line-up. Well, it only took 4 guys, 2 leaps from on-top of a cage, and a fast count to beat Double J. That’s it? If they really wanted to make this believeable, as well as make sense, Arn should have drove in on Grave Digger and ran over Double J, and then have Funk touch all 4 turnbuckles, get to his feet to beat the 10-count and win the ladder match.
It’s main event time…
Bret Hart [C] vs. Kevin Nash – WCW Championship
Through out the night, they kept showing clips of Bret & Kevin becoming more and more hostile towards each other because neither would lay down. So, they’re angry. The match itself actually isn’t that bad. I thought it was going to be really short, but they actually brought it, well at least Bret did. After about 10 minutes, Nash grabs a chair, and before he can get into the ring, Arn Anderson runs down and hits him in the back with a pipe. Arn just so happens to be in a ref shirt, I assume because his shift at Foot Locker starts after the show is over, or something. Well, Arn then gets Bret’s attention, and while that’s going on, Sid runs down and takes out Bret from behind. Arn gets in the ring as the cage lowers. Sid gives Bret a chokeslam, then a powerbomb. He goes for the pin as Arn makes the count.
I’m stunned. The match started as a normal wrestling match between Bret Hart & Kevin Nash with Charles Robinson as the ref. It ended with Arn Anderson as the ref, counting Sid’s pin on Bret Hart in a cage match. This is the most INSANE thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Vince Russo literally has to have something wrong with himself. How can he in anyway say this makes sense?! HOW?! 2/3rds of the guys who started in the match ended up being replaced near the end and it carried on like nothing happened! I’m gonna give Russo the benifit of the doubt, and just assume I had a stroke.
Hands down, without a doubt, the worst wrestling television program I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
Also, as a little PS, this was Bret Hart’s last official, real wrestling match. The greatest technical wrestler of all time’s last match was the biggest clusterfuck ever, on a throw-away program, while Shawn Micheal’s got to have his final match as the main event of WrestleMania in an incredible bout with the Undertaker. Well, that’s fair.