Monday Nitro – January 3rd, 2000

I have to watch the first video package again to understand what the Hell is going on. Scott Steiner says he’s going to retire but ends up joining the NWO that has Bret Hart in it for some reason and they beat up Sid Viscous and someone runs over a limo with a monster truck. My head already hurts.

A planes touched down but we don’t know who’s in it.

Nitro theme song sucks big time. Its just some chicks dancing and flames going all over the place.

We’re live from Greensville, SC.

There’s going to be a new comissioner and there’s a tag tournament going on.
Buzzkill/Rotundo beat Konnan/Malenko to advance
Harris Boys beat Finlay/Meng to advance
Pg-13 beat Rick Steiner/Berlyn to advance
Nash and Scott Steiner beat Sid Viscious and the Wall to advance
Leroux/Midnight beat Harlem Heat (who the Hell made that decsion?) to advance
David Flair/Crowbar beat Karagia/Vampiro to advance
Smiley/Asya beat Saturn/Duggan to advance
I’m not sure if I’m not reading this right but it seems to say ock cck/Bagwell beat Disco/Vito to advance

Can’t believe I just took the time to write that.

Road Dogg [Buzzkill] comes out, wait Road Dogg [Buzzkill] was in WCW? I never heard about this, what the Hell? The Varsity club comes out, Hell if I know who these guys are, they have carnival music for some reason and some cheerleader with a trampoline. She then starts jumping on it while cheerleading. The Club gets cheap heat by calling the crowd losers. Harris Boys come out and these guys look like an odd combo of Undertaker 2002 and Steve Austin, um, any time after WCW.

1st Match: Harris Boys vs The Varisty Club

Harris Boys team up on Roadkill and HOLY SHIT STACY KIBLERS ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE RING! Stacy is trying to hold up the practices or something with a RTC like group and the Harris Boys win with a bulldog.
DUD Was barley match. It was kind of a squash but they didn’t even pay attention to the match the whole time and it was only like two minutes long.

Bobby Heenan thinks the commisoner is knat.

Scott Steiner, Nash, and Jeff Jarrett are backstage pondering where Bret Hart is. Bret Hart convinetly starts walking backstage only to be attacked by Sid Viscious wearing a neck brace. We get a replay of what we just saw but this time its brought to you by Wendys! NWO are coaxing Bret, Bret says he’s fine so NWO ko’s the EMT’s. That was actually kind of cool now that I think about it.

DDP’s coming to the show. Shit does everyone show up late here? Gene asks DDP about his match with Bagwell at the ppv. DDP ignores him but Mr. Perfect tells him that he’s wrestling tonight. Yay, I’m kind of a DDP mark so I’m all for it.

Pg 13 vs
Hell do these people look like hicks, one of thems wearing a jeckl hat, they then make fun of the crowd for looking like hicks, and follow that up with bad jokes and a rap worse than Cole’s.
DDP runs in so… 2nd Match Pg 13 vs DDP

DDP hits his two Diamond Cutters and then… leaves. Jeez, he didn’t pin them or anything. Its kind of like that segment with Sheamus this week on Raw where he just kicked Jinder Mahul and left but worse because DDP just squashed a tag team that the fans are supposed to take as a serious threat.
Wait apprantley that wasn’t that match, they’re supposed to wrestle Nash and Steiner but no bell has wrung and they don’t seem to be wrestling them. Nash hits one of the guys with an elbow and the Ref counts the pinfall.

So 2nd Match NWO vs pg 13
Nash acts all blown up. If he did this today he’d probably injure himself. They spray paint PG 13. Bobby Heenan says that the new commisoner is Vern Gagne.

A limo is slowly riding to the Nitro arena and whoevers in it will be the commissoner.
I’m just going to refer to Hart, Nash, Jeff Jarrett, and Steiner as the New NWO because they’re all wearing NWO shirts, have the NWO music, and are calling themselves the NWO. They all have baseball bats too.

Bret cuts a promo on Sid calling him a big stupid dummy which is the most insulting thing I can personally think of to say to a person. Fans are chanting for Goldberg. Bret tells them to shut up and does his best thing. He gives the mic to Jeff who’s getting a somewhat mild reaction. Jeff Jarrett wishes everyone a slappy new year. Jeff’s wrestling Chirs Benoit at the ppv in a kind of three stages of Hell match and cuts a promo on him. Nash gets the mic and bitches about not having more than one mic. Oh God, could you imagine them all having mics at the same time and all trying to talk over themselves? Nash says the NWO is still sexy.

Scott Stiener grabs the mic and says he doesn’t need the fans to like him and says that Scott’s fans are educated. Are you fucking kidding me? The only people who like Scott Stiner are the same people who think wrestling is real and Scott’s a great wrestler because he’s big and can throw people around. Scott tells the fans to kick the NWO’s ass. Ugh, these people are going about it all wrong. The NWO was the cool thing, it was anti-hero but that’s why they got cheered. The only time it made sense for the NWO to cut heel promos against the fans was when Hogan went heel and that’s because that was obvisouly a big deal.

3rd Match: David Flair/Crowbar vs Lash Leroux/Midnight

Lash is a fucking rip off of Jericho and Midnight is… a giant black chick.

David starts this off but decides not to use his crowbar so Lash attacks him from behind. Stevie Ray (?) is on commentary and he’s pretty annoyning and he’s mad at Midnight for um, being a girl. Crowbar gets tagged in and ends up flying to the outside and Lash dives on top of them. They keep on cutting to Rick Stiener in the middle of the match just to piss me off. Lash seems pretty decent. He catapults Crwobar into the steps. Lash tags in Midnight and she picks up Lash and slams him into Crowbar. She does a couple of cart wheels and a pretty nice dropkick. Stevie grabs Midnight’s leg so Lash gets in and his a couple of clohtheslines followed by punches. He rams Crowbar into David. Booker T saves Midnight from Ray only for Ray to whip Booker and Midnight. Lash hits a moonsault from the top onto David and then he kind of throws Crowbar and had both guys beat but Johnny Bull and some other guy attack Lash allowing David to get the win.
2.5/5/0 Pretty decent actually, would of been better if it wasn’t over booked, had time to develop, and quit focusing on fucking Rick Stiener. Lash is a pretty decent wrestler but is a total rip off of Jericho. Would be better if he could have his own gimmick.

Tickets go on sale for Nitro and Thunder!

Back to failed gimmicks Lash talks to Disco Inferno only to be attacked by Johnny The Bull plus Rotunda maybe?

Its a new millenium so Lex Luger comes out dressed as Sting. Yes, this makes sense. Luger cuts a promo as Sting basically making fun of Sting. Fuck this I’m getting some Milk Duds.

Fourth match: Stuger vs Jim the Tank Abbot

Jim Tank is about to kick Stugers ass only for Stuger to hit Tank with some Muta spray. Stuger leaves and then Jerry Flynn, who’s probably some buffed out worthless wrestler attacks Tank. There’s a crow there which scares the crap out of Luger. Its supposed to be from Sting but we all know its really from Crowbar. Neh, get it? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink

Bill Bush, the Interim General Manager of something talks about the writers, wait what the Hell? This is NOT a good idea, you should not be talking about writers in a wrestling program. Quit trying to make it seem real, people don’t care, they just want to see some wrestling damn it. Bill announces the new commissoner Terry Funk. I can’t imagine Terry Funk riding a limo, I can imagine him riding a helicopter that was dying, crash, and then do it again, retire, do it again, etc…
Terry says the reason he accepted the job is because he loves real pro wrestling. He calls the NWO fat hogs and says that Vince Russo aren’t giving them slop but buckets of money. He then says he wants to kill Vince Russo but he can’t do it without help apprantley and holy shit he has Arn Anderson as his enforcer. If I was a smark watching this in 2000 I might of marked out.

The fans want Flair. Arn says that he worked his ass off and got emotion from these people because he earned it. He cuts a shoot/worked promo talking about how Vince Russo and Ted Ferra (spell that right?) will never understand what real wrestling is about. Arn says that they’ll never get rid of Funk and him. NWO music starts playing, oh shit. New NWO’s out and Bret Hart’s cutting a promo on Funk. This is kind of funny because Bret has a ton of respect for Funk and Funk did a retirement match agaisnt Bret Hart in a pretty good match. Bret basically says Funk is washed up. Funk refuses to leave and says that he’ll never be beat. Funk adds stipulations to his match against Sid, such as the NWO can’t interfere or Bret will lose the belt. Stipulation two, Terry Funk makes Arn Anderson the Ref for the match. This ppv doesn’t sound that bad actually. Terry makes a powerbomb match between Jeff Jarrett and Sid Viscious for the US Title.

Funk tells Nash/Stiener that he’s going to screw them in the Tag Tournament. Nash replys with I thought you were dead.
That is too funny in hindsight. Nash makes TV show jokes that I don’t get and Nash says the New NWO is going to do things their way. NWO could kick Funk’s and Arn’s ass. Nash then threatens David Flair and tells Funk he’s a deadman. Awww man, some stuff about to go down!
Get your Sting T-Shirt for twenty dollars. You could probably get a cooler Sting T-Shirt at TNA. The one here is just him with his mouth wide open staring at you kind of creepily.
Funk and Arn look for David Flair to keep him safe. Well this is… intresting.

Fifth Match: Buff Bagwell vs Chris Kaynon

Kaynon has Godfather’s gimmick here… except he’s a heel. And he comes out with a thing of champagne. He has a stupid accent. Chris tells the fans this isn’t hollywood and Buff has shitty acting skills. Buff says that this is Hollywood (Bobby: Boy is he lost.) Buff says he doesn’t drink champagne (is Buff secretly straight edge? [Caliber Note: Considering Buff is loaded with anabolic steroids, I’m gonna go ahead and say no]) and breaks it over Chris’s head. Problem is that wasn’t the match I guess, he was supposed to have a tag team match.

Fifth Match: Buff Bagwell vs Asya and Norman Smiley

Asya’s a girl and Norman is in a fucking dog suit for some reason. Buff gets worked on for most of the beginning of the match and then starts Hulking up only for Asya to hit him with a low blow but Smiley accidently hits Asya leading to Buff hitting the Blockbuster for the win.
1.0/5.0 Had a decentish heat segment and wasn’t that bad.

Perry Saturn attacks Buff and then has a staredown with Asya.Hacksaw Jim Duggan comes in and I guess his gimmick is he’s a janitor. He comes in with a 2 by four but Dean Malenko and some other guy plus Perry attack Hacksaw only for the Filthy Animals (Billy Kidman and friends) make the save. Meanwhile the New NWO look for David. They look in the ladies bathroom which is exactlay where I’d look for David Flair. Arn Anderson and Funk find Daffney and she probably knows where David is.

Sixth Match: Scott Steiner Kevin Nash vs The Harris Brothers

The Harris Brothers beat the crap out of Nash so Nash gets his basball bat and the Varsity Club beats down the Harris Brothers but the Ref didn’t see it because he was busy with Nash. Scott who was on commentary the whole match gets tagged in and pins one of the Brothers for the win.
DUD Wasn’t even a match. More of a segment than anything.

Meanwhile Daffney won’t tell Funk or Anderson anything and then she gets kidnapped by Jeff Jarrett.

Seventh Match: Buff Bagwell and Chris…

Well Chris gets attacked by Bam Bam and Bam slams him through a table. Some hot chicks stare at him but don’t really do anything. Jim Ross would of been freaking out about this, asking for medical attention right now damn it! Would somebody get off their damn butts!

Seventh match: Buff Bagwell vs Crowbar vs Vampiro

Crowbar gets a couple of punches and chops but Vampiro comes back with a couple of kicks and a crossbody from the top. Buff the Stuff comes in and we cut to Anderson/Funk trying to talk David Flair. Its really annoyning, has nothing to do with the match, and keeps cutting away to this. I really wish Buff Bagwell would beat up Vince Russo. Somehow David Flair wins this match and he’s not even in it. Or maybe this was a tag match, I’m not really sure. DUD

The New NWO has captured Daffney to get to David Flair. I’m on the phone with my friend Nick and he can’t understand how I’m sitting through this. Vampiro and Bagwell really aren’t that bad at wrestling yet David Flair goes over them. Its funny that Funk and Anderson did a shoot promo on Vince Russo and then does stupid Vince Russo storylines on the same show.

Eigth Match: Sid Vicious vs Jeff Jarrett(C) for the US Title in a Powerbomb Match

Jeff works over Sid’s neck, crossbody, Sid then comes back with a big boot. Then a chokeslam. What how did that not kill Jeff Jarrett? Anyway the Ref gets bumped and then Sid hit a powerbomb but it doesn’t count. Bret comes in and hits Sid with a baseball bat and the NWO spray paint Sid Viscious.

Ninth Match: Kevin Nash and Scott Steiner vs David Flair and Crowbar

Nash pretty much destroys David and Crwobar by himself while Scott does commentary. Nash sends Crowbar flying into the guardrail, beats up David Flair in the corner, and then hits Crowbar with a powerbomb. Arn Anderson comes down as a Ref and hits Nash with a crowbar so David then gets the win. DUD

David repays Arn by hitting him with a crowbar and for some reason Terry Funk and Arn Anderson try to fight the new NWO but get their asses kicked. Bret and Jeff bring Arn into a car and lock him in it and Terry Funk is ko’d in the ring. The New NWO rides away with Arn Anderson stuck in their trunk.

Oh my God, this was the worst episode of anything I’ve forced myself to sit through ever. I figured it maybe it will get better and its better than watching TLC, I mean sure TLC is having shitty matches but at least their having matches and not super shitty angles. Ugh, I’m so glad I only have to do this once a week for my sanity.

I’d give this show a half a toothpick that Razor Ramon chewed that’s stuck in some Madison Square Garden Arena that’s been there sicne the 90’s.

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